Bill recieved a call from his attorney, insisting that they meet at once. He arrived at his attorney's office, and was ushered in immeaditly.

"Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the attorney asked.

"Well, if those are my choices, I guess I'll take the bad news first."

"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."

"That's the bad news?" Bill was stunned? "If you call that bad, I can't wait to hear the terrible news."

"The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary."

Please accept without obligation, express or implied, these best wishes for an environmentally safe, socially responsible, low stress, non addictive, and gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday as practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice (but with respect for the religious or secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or for their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all) and further for a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated onset of the generally accepted calendar year (including, but not limited to, the Christian calendar, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures). The preceding wishes are extended without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual preference of the wishee(s).

At the start of an important trial, a small town attorney called his first witness to the stand. She seemed like a sweet, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. You've become a huge disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a hot shot lawyer, when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She replied, "Why, of course I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, also, is a real disappointment. He's lazy, bigoted, never has a nice word to say about anybody, and he drinks like a fish. He's been divorced five times, and everybody knows that his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."

The judge rapped his gavel, to quiet the tittering among the spectators in the courtroom. Once the room was silent, he called both attorneys to his bench. In a quiet, menacing voice, he warned, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"

A banker and a lawyer got into a car accident, on a small country road. The lawyer had figured that nobody else would be on the road, and had raced through a stop sign. The banker, on a cross street, had no time to react and couldn't have missed the lawyer if he had tried. Fortunately, neither driver was hurt.

The lawyer, seeing that the banker was a little shaken up, helped him from his battered car and offered him a drink from a hip flask. The banker accepted, took a deep drink, and handed the flask back to the lawyer. The lawyer held the flask for a minute or two, and gave it to the banker again. The banker took another swig. He again returned the flask to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away.

"Aren't you going to have a drink yourself?" asked the banker.

"Not now," answered the lawyer. "I'll have something after the police leave."

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time, robbing banks in Texas.

Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, DEAD or ALIVE!

A trigger happy, young, enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track down the bandit on his own and collect the reward. After a lengthy search, the Ranger tracked the bandit to his favorite cantina and snuck up behind him.

At the sound of the Ranger's guns cocking and preparing to fire, the surprised bandit turned around only to see both of the Ranger's six-shooters bearing down on him.

The Ranger announced, "You're under arrest! Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll drop you where you stand," his finger becoming itchy on the trigger.

However, the bandit didn't speak English and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish.

Fortunately for the Ranger, a bilingual lawyer was present in the cantina and translated the Ranger's demand to the bandit.

The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried next to an old oak tree behind the cantina.

"What did he say, what did he say?", the Ranger hurriedly asked.

To which the lawyer replied, "Well, the best I can make out he said ... DRAW!"

"I have good news and bad news," the defense lawyer says to his client.
"What's the bad news?"

The lawyer says, "Your blood matches the DNA found at the murder scene."

"Dammit!" cries the client. "What's the good news?"

"Well," the lawyer says, "Your cholesterol is down to 140."

A man is defending himself at trial after having been caught by a game warden just as he blew a Spotted Owl into a flurry of feathers.

After reading the charges, the judge, well known for his environmental sympathies, gravely announced that since the species concerned is in danger of imminent extinction, he would have to make an example out of the defendant.

The man, waxing eloquent, said he was very sorry for what he'd done, but that he was totally destitute and needed the bird to need his hungry children. All he had to his name, he said, his coice cracking with emotion, was the little bit of bird shot he had left in his gun.

The judge took off his glasses to wipe a tear from the corner of his eye, and after regaining his composure, told the defendant he would let him go with a warning this time.

The man beamed with pride as he started out of the courtroom.

Just then, the judge called out, "Oh, by the way, what does a Spotted Owl taste like?"

The man's face came alive as he turned around and said, "Your honor, it's hard to describe. Sort of a cross between a Bald Eagle, a Whopping Crane and a California Condor."

A man was charged with stealing a car, and after a long trial, the jury acquitted him. Later that day the man came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing. "Your honor," he said, "I wanna get out a warrant for that lawyer of mine."

"Why?" asked the judge, "He won your acquittal. What do you want to have him arrested for?"

"Well, your honor," replied the man, "I didn't have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the car I stole."