We all do it. We all make assumptions. We know better. We know we shouldn't make assumptions, but we do it anyway, often without even realizing we're doing it.

A few weeks ago my son called, as he often does, to talk with me about what's going on in his life, and on that particular day he was telling me about how he'd learned he was going to be moved to a different department at work, and how he was disappointed because he preferred to stay in the department he was already in.

I had asked him then, if he'd voiced that desire to his boss and he said he'd mentioned the switch (without really voicing his desire to stay in his current dept.), but that his boss told him he needed his talents in the other department.

Then a few days later, he called to excitedly share with me that one of his co-workers, whom he'd talked with about the change, had gone to his boss to state a case for why he should stay in his current department. Apparently his co-worker was quite convincing, because his boss decided not to move him to a different department.

I told him how happy I was for him, and asked him if he realized now that he could have done the same thing for himself. He paused for a moment, and said, sounding almost surprised by the realization, "Yeah, I guess I could have, huh?"

When I asked him if it had occurred to him initially to approach his boss to state his case for staying in his department, he said that it had, but.... Knowing my son as well as I do, I told him that I was betting that somewhere in the back of his mind was the belief that it wouldn't make any difference if he spoke up and/or that it would be confrontational if he did. He said that was exactly what he'd been telling himself.

His conditioned mind had made a couple of self-defeating assumptions...that it wouldn't matter, that it would be confrontational...and what he discovered was that it didn't have to be confrontational and that it could make all the difference...he could have simply and calmly (as his co-worker had done) state the benefits to his boss and to the company, of leaving him in his department.

It was only in hindsight that my son realized that he'd been making assumptions. He'd been blaming an inaccurate view of the situation (that his boss' decision was beyond his ability to influence) for his discontent, when in reality it was his own self-defeating assumptions that were casting him in the role of victim.

This realization, even in hindsight, brings with it a new level of awareness. It doesn't guarantee that he won't ever again make self-defeating assumptions, but it makes it more likely that he'll catch himself doing it if he does. Awareness is key. If you can become aware of the self-defeating assumptions you're making, you can then challenge them.

How to Get Out of Your Own Way

1. Become Aware - The next time you're feeling the victim to some situation or circumstance, the first step to getting out of your own way is to become aware. Take a good look at the thoughts that have been running through your mind. What assumptions might you be making about the situation or about your ability to influence the situation?

2. Challenge the Assumptions - Once you've become aware of the assumptions you've been making, the next step is to challenge those assumptions. What if those assumptions are just that? What if they aren't true? What if it's those very assumptions that are getting in your way?

3. Explore the Possibilites -  Self-defeating assumptions severely limit our view of what is possible. If your original assumption is untrue, what positive, pro-active steps might you take? What possibilities might there be that your self-defeating assumption was preventing you from seeing? (If you find this step challenging, engage a supportive, non-judgmental friend or loved one who is able to see the situation from a more objective perspective, to help you brainstorm.)

4. Take Action! - Take whatever positive, pro-active steps you identified in step 3. If you find this step intimidating or scary, ask yourself...What have you really got to lose? In my experience, nine times out of ten, the answer to that question is nothing. If, indeed, no action you take will serve to influence the situation, then you're no worse off than if you'd allowed the self-defeating assumption to stand and you'd done nothing. The difference is, having taken whatever steps you could, you'll come away from the siuation knowing you did all you could, rather than feeling victimized, and you won't get lost in regret later, wondering if you'd only done this or that, if things could have been different.

So my question to you is this...what self-defeating assumptions are you making and how might you, and your life, be different if you challenge them?

Those were the words I once saw on a bumper sticker. It made  me laugh aloud because, strange as it may sound, it's great advice. It's just the kind of simple, yet profound wisdom that can transform your life.

Have you ever noticed that your thoughts, for the most part, are much the same day after day after day? If the exact thoughts aren't the same, the general content often is. 

It's as though our thoughts are caught in a perpetual loop that plays over and over again creating our own personal "Groundhog's Day." (For those of you not familiar with the movie, the main character finds himself stuck re-living the same day of his life, over and over and over again.)

A great deal of these thoughts are negative and not only don't serve us, but hold us back from being and expressing all that we are. They keep us stuck reliving the past, or fantasizing about the future, wondering "what if?" and "if only..." These thoughts create unnecessary worry, stress, anxiety, fear, and regret.

They're full of judgments and criticism, comparison and complaint about ourselves, our lives, and others, creating feelings of guilt, shame, inadequacy, dissatisfaction, resentment and unhappiness.

It's no wonder that we go in search of answers, of a better way, of anything that will give us some relief from the constant stream of thoughts, and that will help us attain the happiness that, at times, can seem so elusive.

If you've got a shelf full of self-improvement books then you know that much of the "self-help wisdom" tells you that you have to work hard to identify your limiting beliefs and to then change or control your thoughts, or replace them with positive affirmations.

But it doesn't have to be that hard. You don't have to identify every limiting belief or change every negative thought to a positive one. Instead, just don't believe everything you think.

Sounds easier said than done, right? It's not really, although it does take practice, and like anything else, with practice it gets easier and easier.

Rather than get caught up in a negative thought loop, practice becoming aware of your thoughts before they race wildly out of control and use them as a reminder to bring your attention back into the moment.

It's only in this moment, right here, right now, that you can be happy. You can't go back into the past to be happy, and you can't jump ahead into the future to be happy, and you don't have to "fix"  yourself or others or your life, to be happy.

You just have to be present in this moment rather than stuck in your head. When you buy into believing everything you think and you get caught up in the perpetual loop of those thoughts, you're missing out on your life, on this moment. It's believing everything we think that creates much of the misery we feel and that sucks the joy and the fun out of our lives.

You can spend the precious moments of your life caught up in wishing things were different, beating yourself up for things you "think" you should have done or not done, telling yourself that you'll be happy when this, that or the other thing happens, or that you'll never be happy because you came from a dysfunctional family, aren't pretty enough, smart enough, good enough, etc....or you can stop believing all the bs your mind likes to feed you and you can get fully engaged in your life, in this moment, because...

It's only in this moment, right here, right now that you can be happy.

There are some activities that naturally fine-tune your ability to be fully present and living in the moment. Any activity where truly intense focus is necessary to avoid the threat of death requires that you learn to be fully present in each moment. Skydiving, rock climbing, motorcycle riding...

If you happened to read my previous post, then you know that my oldest son bought a motorcycle just over a year ago. Needless to say, while I was happy for him, there was an underlying sense of panic...a fear that one day I'd get one of those phone calls every parent most dreads...telling me that my son had been in an accident.

It required every bit of my live-in-the-moment skills to let go of that fear so that it didn't consume me. Had I not been practicing living in the moment I could have spent much of the last year missing out on my life, driving myself nuts with worry, but that would only have served to make me miserable, and probably to make my son miserable with the relentless nagging to be careful that would likely have resulted. : )

It would not, could not, have prevented my son from being in an accident or prevented the dreaded phone call that would follow if he were.

That dreaded phone call came last Friday morning.

My son was riding his motorcycle home late Thursday night when a large flat-bed truck ran a stop sign and made a left turn directly in front of him. He was traveling at 45 mph and had only a split second to react. He swerved hard to the right, missing the flat-bed of the truck by mere inches, only to realize in the next moment that he could not avoid the curb that he was then rapidly approaching.

He hit the curb with such force that his butt flew three feet off the seat of his bike. It was in that moment that he let go of the handlebars. The last thing he remembers was looking down at his bike five feet below as he flew through the air, then the flash of white light he saw as his head hit the ground and he began tumbling, coming to a stop about 40 feet from where his bike lay.

Thankfully, all things considered, he suffered only minor injuries...a few broken ribs, a badly sprained wrist and ankle, a mild concussion and many abrasions and bruises.

Had he not been fully present in those moments, had he not swerved in that split second, had he hit the truck, or had he not let go of his bike in the moment he hit the curb, had he gotten tangled in the bike, the result could have been much, much worse.

It was precisely because he was living fully in the moment during those split seconds that he was able to take the instantaneous actions that saved his life.

I had a "Duh!" moment the other day. Not as much fun as an "A-ha!" moment, but valuable all the same. "A-ha!" moments are those moments when everything clicks into place and you gain a new understanding or insight. "Duh!" moments, on the other hand, are those moments in which you recognize something quite obvious that you should have been aware of, usually are aware of, but that you somehow lost sight of somewhere along the way.

My "Duh!" moment came after a couple of days of feeling cranky. At first I couldn't figure out why I was feeling so irritable. All I knew was that I was. Sometimes simply becoming aware of it shifts it, but this time I was aware of it and I wanted VERY much not to be feeling so irritable but that wasn't helping. It felt at the time almost as though it were beyond my control. I didn't want to be feeling cranky, but I was, dammit, and the more aware of it I became, the more cranky I got because I wasn't shifting out of it easily. (It's a vicious cycle that way.)

Mid-way through the second day my frustration with myself and my mood was so intense that I wanted to either scream or cry. "What the hell is my problem?" was the question that kept running through my mind. I live an extraordinary life that I share with an amazing man, doing work that I love. Most days I experience a depth of happiness, contentment and satisfaction that for most of my life I'd never even dreamed was possible. Reminding myself of this truth, however, was not helping. So, what the hell was my problem?

I hadn't been feeling very well for several days, but it wasn't so bad that I needed to lie in bed all day, I just wasn't quite up to par. No big deal, except that I have a bad habit of expecting myself to function well regardless. That's where it began...with my frustration with my inability to ignore how I was feeling and to function as if I weren't sick less than well. (You see....I have a hard time even writing the word "sick." I don't want to admit that I am sick, let alone cut myself some slack.)

It was my resistance to not feeling well that originally created my frustration and irritability. Resisting what is, regardless of whether or not what is meets your preferences, always causes unnecessary grief. I wasn't feeling well, and no amount of pushing myself or trying to talk myself out of the fact that I wasn't feeling well, was going to change it. I needed to let it run its course and had I accepted that at the outset I could have been gentler with myself and allowed myself to work when I could and rest when I needed to.

To make matters worse, the frustration and irritability was infectious. It carried over to everything else. My "Duh!" moment came when I realized that I was mentally complaining about everything...little things....things that don't normally faze me in the least. Duh! No wonder I was cranky. I had inadvertently shifted my focus from one of appreciation for the moment and what is, to one that was focused solely on my life's inability to meet my personal preferences for how I thought it "should" be. In the process I created an even greater gap between my preferences and what was. Hmmm....funny how that works. : )

The next time you're having an "off" day, feeling cranky or irritable, take a good look at the thoughts that've been running through your head. Complaints, whether or not you ever speak them to anyone, serve no purpose but to make you miserable, and miserable to be around. Try accepting, and surrendering to what is, rather than resisting and bitching about it and I'll bet your mood will turn around very quickly.

On the surface my life is quite ordinary. I'm not a billionaire. I don't own three gargantuan homes, a fleet of ridiculously expensive cars or a private jet. I don't have a personal chef, a housekeeper or a butler. I don't have a giant walk-in closet with 3,000 pair of designer shoes, an expensive evening gown for every day of the year or a jewelry box full of diamonds. And I'm not sitting on the beach on a tropical island sipping a margarita as I write this. (Although I'm working on that last part...how cool would that be?!)

Despite not having all those things, I live an extraordinary life. I live a life that for most of my life I never even dared to dream of. More than that...that I didn't even know was possible. It was so far out of my experience that I couldn't conceive of living the life I do now.

You see, I'm not a materialistic person and I don't measure my life by the things I own or the balance in my checking account. I measure my life, as the quote above says, by the moments that take my breath away. My life is not extraordinary because of untold material riches, but because of the richness of the experiences each day brings. It's in the little but oh-so-meaningful things...

It's waking each morning wrapped in my honey's arms, the feeling of being so well-loved filling my being.

It's the sound of the birds chirping outside our window as the early dawn light softly fills the room.

It's our sweet puppy greeting us with unrestrained enthusiasm and excitement after we've been gone, whether for five minutes or five hours, or watching her romp with the other dogs at the doggie swimming pool.

It's tickle time with my honey's boys, the sound of their laughter, or the look in their eyes when they gaze so adoringly at their dad.

It's the unexpected phone call from my son (calling from CA) to share some news, or simply to say hi.

It's the sound of my son's laughter and the sparkle in his eyes when he teases me.

It's witnessing a client's spontaneous "a-ha!" moment, or hearing the joy in their voice after a new breakthrough.

It's brainstorming a new idea or project with a colleague that sparks even greater passion for the work I do.

It's the sight of my honey coming up the walkway after work, and the soft, sweet kiss that follows.

It's that first bite of a delicious meal, or the first sip of a really good espresso or wine.

It's the feel of the sun, and a cool breeze, on my skin on a warm summer day.

It's a cold beer on a hot afternoon.

It's the sight of a beautiful rainbow after an afternoon thunderstorm or the amazing sunset that lights the sky up with shades of orange, pink, and purple.

It's kicking back in my favorite comfy spot with a good book, indulging in a luxurious massage, or catching up with a friend.

It's the long, heart-to-heart talk with my honey that lingers into the wee hours of the morning.

It's waking early on the weekend to realize I don't have to be up and snuggling back in for another hour or two.

It's cruising along in my sweet little honda civic on a gorgeous day with the tunes cranked up, singing and moving to the rhythm of an upbeat song.

It's laughing with my honey until we cry and our sides hurt. 

I could go on and on. My life is filled with these moments, as I'm sure yours is too. What makes them extraordinary, what makes my life extraordinary, is living in the moment, being fully present for these moments. Reveling in them, savoring them, opening my heart and soul fully to them, and truly appreciating them.

It's brought me indescribable joy, made my life (and my biz) so much more meaningful and fulfilling that even in those moments that are less joyful, or downright hard, there's an underlying sense of peace and well-being.

Extraordinary is one of those illusive words that has different meanings for different people. Only you can define what an extraordinary life is for you. How is your life extraordinary? And if it isn't, what do you need to do to open more fully to your life and to the precious moments that can make it extraordinary?

Photo originally uploaded by dtcchc

1.  You shall not worry, for worry is the most unproductive of all human activities.

2.  You shall not be fearful, for most of the things we fear never come to pass.

3.  You shall not carry grudges, for they are the heaviest of all life's burdens.

4.  You shall face each problem as it comes. You can only handle one at a time anyway.

5.  You shall not take problems to bed with you, for they make very poor bedfellows.

6.  You shall not borrow other people's problems. They can better care for them than you.

7.  You shall not try to relive yesterday for good or ill, it is forever gone. Concentrate on what is happening    in your life and be happy now.

8.  You shall be a good listener, for only when you listen do you hear ideas different from your own.

9.  You shall not become bogged down by frustration, for 90% of it is rooted in self-pity and will only interfere with positive action.

10. You shall count your blessings, never overlooking the small ones, for a lot of small blessings add up to a big one.

~ Author Unknown

Have you made other commitments to live by? If so, I hope you'll take a few moments to share them in the comments.

Photo originally uploaded by claireg73

 Whether you're writing posts for your blog, writing marketing copy, or speaking to potential clients if you really want to connect with your market you've got to say what you need to say. Not what you think others want you to say, or what you think you should say, but what you need to say, what you feel called to say.

A couple of weeks ago, after talking with a client about getting the word out about her services, I received an email from her, that said in part:

"These days, there are few things that have me feeling scared. The greatest fear I experience is around our marketing. I often will literally have fear - I break out in a sweat when getting ready to send out a marketing piece or when I make changes on our website. It all ties in with my fears of being misunderstood.

I've spent a lot of time trying to control situations to make sure that everyone is getting what I actually mean and not misinterpreting me and forming false assumptions. Since I can't control anyone, clearly this is a losing proposition! Then the idea of putting a marketing piece out into the ethers (on the internet) where I have absolutely no idea who is looking at it and what they are thinking - well, no wonder my fear goes through the roof!"

No wonder is right. And she's not alone in recognizing that it's scary to put yourself out there like that for all to see, and inevitably, criticize. But here's the thing...holding back or editing yourself in an attempt to please everyone is actually counter-productive. Your message, the message you feel called to share with others, isn't meant to appeal to everyone, because you aren't meant to serve everyone. In the attempt to please everyone your message will actually lose much of the appeal it would have held for those you are meant to serve.

Saying what you need to say, without restraint, will be incredibly appealing and will resonate in a big way with those you're meant to serve. When you say what you need to say, those you're meant to serve will know, without doubt, that they're in the right place, that they've found the right person, or product, or program or blog, to serve their needs.

And those that don't get it? You aren't meant to serve them and saying what you need to say creates a filter so that you don't waste time (yours or the potential client's) venturing into work with a client who isn't ideal for you, and for whom you aren't ideal. They'll move on to someone else. Someone who is better-suited to serve them.

Life is all roses and sunshine and you live a fairy tale existence. Nothing ever goes wrong and you're always happy. That's the #1 myth about living in the moment.

I'm not sure how that myth got started but I suspect it had something to do with the positive thinking/affirmations movement. You know the one...where you're led to believe that if you try hard enough and think enough positive thoughts, that you'll always be happy, never suffering a moment's distress. The problem with attempting to maintain a constant stream of positive thinking is that we're intelligent enough to recognize when we're bullshitting ourselves.

And therein lies the critical distinction between positive thinking/affirmations and living in the moment. One is based on trying to convince yourself that life is all roses and sunshine even when the fact that you're dripping wet from head to toe is evidence that your parade has just been rained on, and one is based on the reality of the moment, on what is rather than on what you'd like reality to be.

It's this myth that living in the moment means always being happy that can leave you feeling as though you must be somehow doing it wrong or it's  something that only a select few "enlightened" spiritual masters ever attain, because, come on, let's get real here...no one is happy ALL the damn time.

The truth is, living in the moment, isn't about being happy all the time, thinking nothing but positive thoughts, or repeating affirmations all day long. It's not about being Mary Poppins. It's about being fully present in each moment with whatever is happening and with whatever you may be feeling, without resisting it, exaggerating it, telling stories about it, getting lost in the past, or projecting into the future.

Living fully, living in the moment, is about embracing all that life has to offer and cherishing the experience...the joys, and the sorrows. The beauty of living in the moment is that the more you're able to stay present to the moment, the more joy and peace you'll experience. Then even when the sorrows arise, as they inevitably will from time to time, you may find, as I have, that it doesn't last as long, and that despite the momentary sorrow, there's a knowing that underlies it, a knowing that you'll be okay, and that the sorrow will pass.

That's my oldest son, sitting proudly on his brand-spankin' new motorcycle, moments after rolling it off the showroom floor last July. His excitement that day was palpable. I think the last time he'd been that excited was on his 2nd birthday when his dad and I presented him with his first car - a little red (battery operated) corvette.

His excitement that day was equal to my fear. As I snapped that photo that day, I was smiling at his excitement, even as I was internally panicking. I wanted to be happy for him, was happy for him on one level, but equally afraid on another.

The idea of my sweet little boy (okay, yes, I get that he isn't a little boy anymore...that's beside the point) cruising along at 65 mph on the freeway with cars zooming past him...well, suffice it to say, even now, the thought makes me physically shudder. There is no fear quite like that of a parent for the life of their child. If you let it, it can consume you.

I drove my son completely nuts for the first few weeks, with nearly constant reminders to be careful, to remember that motorcycles are virtually invisible to other drivers, to be sure he was ultra-aware of his surroundings, etc. etc. etc. I knew I was driving him crazy. I knew I was being the stereotypical, over-protective mother, but I couldn't quite help myself.

Everyone I know who rides, or has ever ridden, has put their bike down at least once, if not more than once, and the thought of the potentially life-threatening reality of my son doing so at some point, was, to put it mildly, causing me to go a little out of my mind. I joked to him and to others, that I'd never have a peaceful night's sleep again, and I was only half-joking. It didn't take long for me to realize that if I didn't somehow find a way to let go of my fear, I really wouldn't ever have a peaceful night's sleep again.

My son was 20 when he bought that bike. No longer a child, and living on his own. It was out of my control and there was nothing I could do to ensure his safety, or to change his mind about riding a bike. He's 21 now, living in California, and he rides that bike every day. He doesn't own a car, and has no plans to purchase one. He rides that bike, day or night, sun or rain, clear skies or (gasp!) through thick, early morning (as in 3am) fog.

Last week, the rear tire went flat while he was traveling 55+ on a winding stretch of two-lane highway. As he described the tail end of the bike suddenly going wild, the only thing that kept me from having a heart attack right then and there was the fact that his voice on the phone proved he'd survived the scare unharmed.

If I allowed myself to think about, to envision, the possible dire consequences of his passion for riding, I would literally go out of my mind. So, I don't. I simply do not think about it. Most of the time.

Occasionally, the thought that the middle of the night phone call I most dread might come, does unwittingly enter my mind, as it did last night as I was drifting off to sleep. The fear gripping my heart like an icy-cold, iron vise. The thought that I could lose my son so unbearable, that I simply must shut it out again.

It's a form of denial that serves me well. It's the kind of denial that is, indeed, a very good thing. A sanity-saving thing. While denial is not something I would normally recommend as a healthy coping strategy, in instances where the circumstances that elicit fear are completely and totally out of your control, there's nothing much else to do. It serves no purpose, whatsoever, to allow fear to become a constant companion.

Denial then becomes a means by which to let go of the fear. It allows me to look at the photo of my son on his bike, and smile. Smile at how proud he was to have bought it himself. Smile at how excited he was to live something he'd only dreamed of before. Smile to know that riding is just one of the ways in which he lives his life fully. Joyfully. And that, more than anything, is what I've always wanted for my son.