WASHINGTON, D.C. - Last week the federal government voted to bailout the credit mess in the United States. At the time, it seemed like a good idea. This week, however, things look different.

The reason for the problem is simple. Not only is the United States deep in debt, but the federal government itself has access to far less than the $700 billion it has promised. In fact, right now the feds only have $35.75 in the bank.

Because of that, the U.S. House of Representatives, led by Speaker Nancy Pelosi, has asked for help in bailing out the faltering economy. TBNN has learned that on Sunday Pelosi asked the wealthiest organization in America to help. Rather than call on Microsoft, which ranks second, Pelosi called Lakewood Church, the wealthiest non-governmental organization in the United States.

Pastor Joel Osteen admitted to being somewhat surprised by the phone call. "I always preach that if you believe in God, He will show you favor. That is what He has done for us. But I never thought we would have the opportunity to help our country like this. For many churches, $700 billion might seem like a lot of money, but for us it's not that big of a deal. In fact, that's about half of what my Christmas bonus will be this year."

According to tax records, Lakewood Church's net worth stands between 2.2 and 2.3 trillion dollars. Some of that money comes directly from tithes and offerings, but most of it is revenue from Pastor Osteen's popular books: Your Best Life Now and Become a Better You.

Osteen admitted to TBNN, "Ever since we stopped using the bible at Lakewood, our congregation has quadrupled in size. Instead of looking into the scriptures, which can be so easily misinterpreted, we simply use my books. Since everyone in our church is required to buy them, that brings in a lot of money. Also, because many churches want to get big like us, they are copying what we do - even purchasing my books."

Osteen added that Lakewood was happy to help out the government just as long as Speaker Pelosi held up her end of the bargain: the feds will repay the $700 billion at a 13% interest rate.

Said Osteen, "With all that interest money piling in, we'll be able to buy another big building - maybe the Astrodome. I hear it's vacant."

A Book Review-- Okay. So you missed church last Sunday? Now you’d like to return and worship the Lord, but you know you are going to have to explain to at least 3-9 folks why you were not in church last week. You pull into the parking lot. You park. You take a deep breath. You open the car door.

There she is… Mrs. Arnder. She approaches you and says “We missed you last Sunday.” Of course, you can tell by the inflection and questioning in her voice that she really is saying, “I noticed you were not here last Sunday” and simultaneously asking, “Where were you?” Regardless, you nod. What can you do?

Then he approaches… Mr. Davis. He asks, “Have you been okay?” Of course, you can tell by the timing and non-concern in his voice that he is really saying “I noticed you were not here last Sunday” and simultaneously asking, “Where were you?” Regardless, you nod again. What can you do?

If this happens to you often and you wish you had something to say in response, you need We Missed You: A Book For Those Who Skipped Church Last Sunday. It gives you in depth details of how to answer those "Where were you?" questions that have been masked with stealth questions from hypocritical Christians. If you are a sincere Christian who wants to do the right thing, We Missed You: A Book For Those Who Skipped Church Last Sunday encourages you to always assume those asking the questions are Christians. The book encourages you to consider that the questioner maybe sincerely concerned.

Using Christianity as a premise, how could you have acted differently? We Missed You gives you a plan of action. For example, here is an excerpt from Chapter 1: “We missed you last Sunday”...

• When asked this surface question, start out by looking the individual in the eye in a real sincere, heartfelt, understanding way. Consider that this individual is honestly telling you that you were missed. This should not cause you to begin spewing forth all sorts of excuses about why were you out. Instead, such a statement, if taken to heart, should cause you to feel great joy that someone has missed you. If someone missed you, your first thoughts should be “Awwwww, you missed me? You missed little ole me? Me? You truly missed me?” Well, if you are able to bring yourself to the point to think such questions, the next step is to go ahead and ask these questions out loud. Make sure to use an appreciative, humbled, and honored voice. But don’t stop there. Let the feeling of being missed overtake you. Meditate in the thought that you were missed. You were not there last Sunday. You are here now. Once you become overwhelmed in this emotional thought, add your physical self to the mix and wrap yourself around the questioner who missed you. Do not let the questioner go until she knows that you are really truly here right now. Take your arms and fasten them around this kind human who has expressed sorrow at the memory of not having been in your presence last week. It is your duty to give her the comfort and assurance that she will not have to suffer the coming week with the thought of having missed you this Sunday. Make sure she truly remembers that she was able to encounter you today. Do so by not stopping at a simple hug. Take the hug to a full 7 second squeeze. Add words. As you count in your mind toward seven (ever mindful that this very person missed you last week) around second #3, I suggest that you give a very loud, very sincere, very heartfelt, “I missed you too. How sweet of you to say!” Really let the emotion come out in your voice. Do not rush the statement. The person must remember every word. The hug, together with the words, will most likely resound in the questioner for at least the rest of the week. After the 7 second hug, just watch the reaction. You take it from there.
• Note: try to remember if the person used the precise words “We missed you” and not the personal “I missed you.” If "we" was used, now is the appropriate time to ask who the others were that missed you so you can reassure them also.

Chapter 2: "Have You Been OK?" gives you "recollection pointers" to enable you to comfortably discuss the details of your entire week non-stop for 10 minutes. With the "recollection pointers" of We Missed You, you may be surprised how the the minutia of your life will continually flow off of your tongue effortlessly. By simultaneously thinking, speaking, as well as gesturing in symphonic cohesion, the concerned questioner will have an overwhelming sense that you are, indeed, okay. He may even have peace of mind about your okay-ness for weeks to come.

We Missed You contains 26 potential scenarios to enable you to skip every other Sunday with the confidence that, in no time, your skipping will never be brought into question (at least not to your face.)

Albany, Texas-- The Albany Gazette is reporting that Jim Rodgers may be publicly removed from the pulpit of First Baptist Church Albany as early as this Sunday. An unnamed source within FBC Albany reported on condition of anonymity that a majority of deacons within FBC Albany have substantial evidence that Pastor Rodgers may no longer be pro-choice.

Canterbury, England - The Archbishop of Canterbury, Rowen Williams officially announced today that the Anglican Church would be issuing a posthumous apology on behalf of "all Christians everywhere" to the Biblical character of Achan, the son of Carmi, the son of Zabdi, the son of Zerah, from the tribe of Judah. As the story goes from Joshua chapter 7, Achan, the son of Carmi, the son of Zabdi, the son of Zerah, from the tribe of Judah sinned when Israel entered and conquered Jericho by taking some of the "accursed things" that God had "devoted to destruction." When Achan, the son of Carmi, the son of Zabdi, the son of Zerah, from the tribe of Judah was discovered he, his entire family and all his possessions were stoned and burned.

"We really feel like he got too hard of a punishment," commented Williams. "Who among us hasn't been tempted to steal at one point and time or another. Sure, he deserved to be punished in some way for what he did, but I don't think stoning him and his family was the right thing to do; it was rather extreme in my opinion. Joshua and Israel could have used a bit more discretion."

TBNN was able to obtain a portion of the statement which reads,

"Achan, the son of Carmi, the son of Zabdi, the son of Zerah, from the tribe of Judah: Several thousand years after your death, the Church of England on behalf of all Christians everywhere owes you an apology for misunderstanding you and, by getting our first reaction wrong, encouraging others to misunderstand you still, and for stoning and burning you and your whole family. We try to practise the old virtues of 'faith seeking understanding' and hope that makes some amends for depicting you as a sinner all of these years. We know that the God of the New Testament would not have done such a thing to you."

The full statement is set to be released this Friday.

Park City, Alabama
Amateur photographer Malcolm Fhorbes believes he has captured a truly supernatural appearance of Jesus Christ. This photo, taken on the shore overlooking Daphne’s Bayfront Park was snapped at just the right moment. “I was reading Luke’s Gospel in chapter 17 just a few seconds before I took this picture,” says Fhorbes. Even through the lens I could see the resemblance to our Lord. Combine that with the fact I was reading in the Bible about lightning, and well, there you are.”

The remarkable photograph appears to be in the form of a man walking on water. “I only wish he had framed up enough to capture the face!” sighed Malcomb’s pastor, Rita Preston of 1st Unity Church of Park City. “I just know it would have been the sweetest, most accepting and loving, lightning sort of face.”

“Since when did Jesus become bow-legged?” snorted detractor Harold Wallace, a local Park City barber. “Next you know, we’ll be havin’ all the weirdoes comin’ down yeaha lining the beach for another glimpse. We get lightning yeaha right reg’lar. No tellin’ wha folks ah be a tellin’ themselves they been seein’ out thar.”

Malcolm believes otherwise. “This was a divine appearance. I saw it with my own eyes; I know this is real.”

Martal, Brazil - Young and playful, little Maria (that's the only name she has) likes to spend her afternoons with her friends catching bugs or just playing hide-and-seek in her small Brazilian village. For her, life is slow, simple and hard. Orphaned almost 6 years ago, she is one of the many poor children of Brazil who live from day to day not knowing where they came from or what the future may hold for them.

At "seven something" little Maria also faces another predicament, one which could ultimately make her an outcast among her own small group of friends. It all started about a year ago when missionaries arrived in her small village of Martal to setup work among the poor and orphans. Life began to instantly improve for many in the village as a new orphanage was built and a clinic was setup to provide basic medical care for people. Maria was instantly taken into the orphanage.

"I liked my new home very much when they brought me to the orphanage," she said. "It was clean and I began to make new friends with other girls like me who had no mother or father."

All seemed to be going well for little Maria until just a few weeks ago when the orphanage began filing records on all of the children. When it came time to process Maria's birth record, none could be found anywhere.

"This presents us with a genuine predicament," said Roger Forth, the missionary who runs the orphanage. "It's very hard for me to believe that she doesn't know when she was born. I think it's obvious that if one is really alive he or she will be able to know the exact moment in which it happened. If little Maria can't produce this information then we have no credible reason to believe she's really alive to begin with."

While some have objected to the stringent requirements, others working with the mission are in firm agreement with Forth's position.

"I think Roger is exactly right on this one. How can you really be alive unless you can go back and remember a time when you weren't alive?" said fellow missionary Parker Gillis. "I can tell you the exact moment I was born. I have my birth certificate at home and it has my birthday clearly written on it, right down to the minute. If ever I doubt that I'm alive I just look at that birth certificate and I'm assured that I really exist."

Until little Maria is able to produce a credible testimony of her exact moment of birth, she has been deemed "not really alive" by the orphanage and thus ineligible to remain there. She is currently residing with an elderly lady in the village until she can find other arrangements.

"I know it must seem cruel," commented Forth. "We're not trying to be mean or anything, but we must reserve our space for those who are truly alive, specifically those who can go back to a time and place and tell us specifically when their birth experience happened. I seriously doubt that anyone without that knowledge is truly a person."

Many of you, (okay at least a few of you) have probably been asking "Where's Tom?" Well, I'm still here. I'm still alive and well. The fact of the matter is I've had to take a break for a while. I'm sorry to say that in the grand scheme of my life and responsibilities that this blog has had to take a back seat. Believe me, I love blogging. I wish I had more time to put some of the ideas that I've had up here, but alas, many other things are consuming my time and energy that are of far greater importance. All this to say, I'm still planning to continue with the blog, I've just had to take a break for a while. It is my hope to return to the Box tomorrow.

Thinking Inside,
Tom

LUANDA, ANGOLA - Recent reports indicate that while the majority of the world now has the bible in its own language, many smaller tribal groups in Africa do not. Thousands of distinct people groupings with their own heart languages remain without access to the Word of God. Don Simmons decided to do something about that.

Dr. Simmons was previously professor of anthropology and missiology at Pensacola Christian College. When he found out about just how many tribes in sub-Saharan Africa are without the scriptures, he made the choice to no longer sit at home but to move to Africa and do something about it. This happened in 1987.

After spending about a year in the capital city of Luanda, Don and his wife Marjorie moved into the bush about 300 km to the southeast. This placed them close to their target group: the Luyana people. Dr. Simmons reported to TBNN that the Luyana are a primitive tribe (pictured above) who have no access to the bible, electricity, or running water. Their diet generally consists of various rodents, mid-size insects, and subtropical plantlife. The Simmons struggled through their first few years in the bush, but managed to acclimate. They now speak the Luyana language and have a good relationship with one of the main tribal leaders in the area.

For the Simmons, the largest frustration for them has been translating the bible into Luyana. Although they can speak the language, which is composed mostly of clicks and clacks in the back of the throat, they cannot seem to get it down on paper.

According to Mrs. Simmons, "This has been a great frustration for us. We know that the Lord called us here over 20 years ago, but we can't seem to get much of anything down on paper. These people have heard the gospel from us, but they demand evidence. We tell them there is a holy book that confirms this, but we just cannot get it down on paper. We haven't even completed one book yet!"

Dr. Simmons lamented along a similar theme, saying, "Our struggle is how to get the language of the King James Version into Luyana. We want these folks to be able to read the pure, undistorted Word of God. We do have plans in the future to teach them English so they can read the Authorized Version for themselves. However, in the mean time we want to get the KJV translated into Luyana. Unfortunately, we can't seem to get words like thee, thou, ye, hitherto, and goads to translate into Luyana with any meaning for these people. It just doesn't work. I don't know what we are going to do. Some well-meaning friends from back in the USA suggested that we use the original Hebrew and Greek to help us, but we certainly don't want to introduce any false teaching into this tribe. We're stuck."

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HENDERSONVILLE, NC - While growing up, Gloria Phillips knew that she was not exactly like the other girls at Harmony Baptist Church. The girls enjoyed their time together in Girls in Action (GA's), focusing on cooking, sewing, and learning about missions. Gloria, on the other hand, wished that she could be with the boys in Royal Ambassadors (RA's). RA's seemed like so much more fun to her since the boys got to hunt, camp, and play kickball.

As she grew older, Gloria realized that she enjoyed spending more time with the boys in youth group than with the girls. She dreaded having to attend Acteens. Now that she is an adult, her least favorite activity of the month is the meeting of the Women's Missionary Union (WMU).

Gloria recently decided that she just couldn't take it any more. That's when she did the unthinkable. She petitioned the church to join the Men's Brotherhood. In Southern Baptist life, the Brotherhood is a gathering of the men of the church to discuss men's issues such as sports, hunting, and fishing. There is also a great deal of eating. Occasionally, spiritual issues even come up. For example, does God care who wins this week's college football game?

Since Gloria is much more interested in Brotherhood-type activities, she asked the Deacon Board if she could join. According to Gloria, "I realize that this is a bit out of the ordinary. However, this is the way God made me. I also know that we are all one in Christ, and that God does not look at us differently. After all, Galatians 3:28 says, 'There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is neither male nor female; for you are all one in Christ Jesus.' How can the deacons argue with that?

As of the writing of this post, no answer had yet been given to Gloria. TBNN did manage to interview one of the deacons, who wished to remain nameless. He said, "I understand Gloria's wishes, but this is taking things a bit too far. The church has already become far too feminine. As men, we need a place to call our own. Sure, we only meet for breakfast once a month, but we know that we've got that time to look forward to. If a lady, no matter how masculine, comes into the Brotherhood, it will change the whole dynamic. We have to draw the line somewhere."

When asked what she will do if the Deacon Board rejects her request, Gloria lamented, "If that happens, I'll probably have to leave the church. I've been told by some very friendly ladies from work that their Church of Christ is extremely welcoming toward people like me."

You know how it is. Your standing in church on a Sunday morning singing "And Can it Be." The Organ is full and loud and the congregation is singing out as the last verse beings. But just then it hits you, the shock and horror as you realize what you're doing. Perhaps it seems innocent to many, perhaps even absurd to some that you would even find it a problem, but you know in your heart of hearts that you are dreadfully close to breaking the regulative principle of worship...you are tapping your foot.

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The Anglican Communion has been struggling over the last few years due to disagreements within its body over a variety of doctrinal issues. Due to these difficulties, many long-time Anglicans have been leaving the church for other places of worship. Even Tony blair has left the Anglicans behind. In order to stem this tide, the communion has decided to take desperate measures.

In an exclusive interview with TBNN, Archbishop Rowan Williams said, "We must broaden our horizons beyond where we have been. If we do not, we will simply cease to exist as the Anglican Church. That said, at our latest Lambeth Conference we finally decided that we should do away with the bible as our source of wisdom and instruction. It is far too limiting in what it calls for. I think this move will allow us to be much more creative in our worship services."

After giving this explanation, Williams showed us several other texts that the communion will be looking at. These included the Koran, the Bhagavad Gita, and Dr. Seuss' Green Eggs and Ham.

Williams continued, "We are excited about a few changes that may be upcoming. In particular, we are contemplating the idea of combining our infant baptisms with ritual child sacrifice. Since we are now free from biblical restrictions, this practice makes sense. We can both keep to tradition (baptism) and appease the gods (sacrifice) all at the same time. We are not yet sure how the parents will feel about this, but we're convinced that with a little instruction and explanation, they will come around to the idea."

The Communion expects new practices like this one to both increase church attendance and heal the various rifts which currently plague the denomination. No word yet as to when the first baptism-sacrifice is scheduled.

Serious Preface: Before today's silliness I would echo my brother's request from yesterday. Please be in prayer for those in the path of Hurricane Gustav. I am particularly concerned as a good 75% of my immediate family live in Baton Rouge, Louisiana (including Brother Slawson!) So as most of you are waking up and reading this Monday morning, they are going to be hunkered down. Thanks. Now you can laugh...

Word Publishing is gearing up for its latest release the Thomas Kincade Bible of Light. The Bible features over 400 inspiring paintings by the popular artist intermingled with the NIV version of the Bible.

"This is an exciting new release," said Michael Patterson, chief editor for the project. "We think that this Bible will really inspire people as they read God's Word each day, or each week, or month. It also makes a great conversation piece, so one might could say it is perfect as a tool for sharing the gospel."

The Bible is set to go on sale this Friday at major Christian retailers around the country, and will be available in genuine leather, calfskin or gold leaf. The Bible also comes with a deluxe display case. Prices range from $189.99 for the genuine leather edition to $679.99 for the deluxe gold leaf, Young Pastor's Study Edition with built-in security alarm for the display case.

Topeka, Ks - In an exclusive interview with an anonymous member of the John McCain campaign, TBNN has learned that the Rev. Fred Phelps of Westboro Baptist Church is not a potential vice presidential running mate for the Republican ticket. Some had speculated whether Phelps, the controversial and often inflammatory pastor, might be a possible choice. But when TBNN questioned the campaign worker it became clear that Phelps is "nowhere in the picture."

"No, Phelps will not be at today's rally," said the worker. "I don't think he was ever a consideration."

With Phelps out of the picture speculation is now turning to exactly who will be chosen with some experts suggesting names like John Hagee, Creflo Dollar and Hank Hanegraaff. Others have speculated that the Rev. Jesse Jackson will be named. McCain is expected to make his announcement today at 12PM EST.

DENVER, CO - Later this week, Senator Barack Obama is expected to be named the presidential nominee for the Democratic Party. Due to his popularity, Senator Obama will make his acceptance speech in front of an expected crowd of 70,000 at Invesco Field.

TBNN has been forwarded an advance-copy of the Senator's acceptance speech. While it is filled with the typical rhetoric of any acceptance speech, it did contain something that surprised even us. It appears that Obama will finally weigh-in on the much debated issue of which bible translation is best.

In the speech, Obama will say, "I've given much thought and prayer to this issue. Let me first say that I prefer the original Hebrew and Greek. However, I also realize that the common man cannot read those languages. Therefore, the issue is which of the English translations best renders the meaning of the originals."

Obama will continue, "Although I have preferred other translations in the past, my current favorite is the New Living Translation. In fact, from this day forward I will hold an NLT-only position!" At this point in the speech, the Senator will pause due to the expected loud applause.

"My reasoning, after much prayer and fasting, is that the NLT has come from a thought-for-thought or idea-for-idea philosophy of translation. This stands in opposition to the word-for-word translations such as the KJV, NKJV, NASB, ESV, HCSB, etc. Because the NLT uses a thought-for-thought approach, this translation cannot be as exact as some of the others. This allows me to claim to like the bible while still holding to blatantly unbiblical positions such as supporting partial-birth-abortions and same-sex unions." Again, long, loud applause is expected.

TBNN has discovered that Obama will conclude his speech by saying, "My faith is very important to me. I have faith in God, that's why I carry the NLT. I also have faith in acceptance, tolerance, and diversity. That's also why I carry the NLT. With this loose translation as my guide, along with several trans-gendered communists, I will lead this country to places it has never been!"

By Dr. Bill

Houston, TX As a natural extension of “anointed” music, it was inevitable that Charismatic icon Joel Osteen would turn to the sky for a new rain of spiritual blessings.

Sunday evening, Osteen excitedly shared with 1100 attendees in Atlanta, “Several miraculous thoughts converged on me this afternoon. I saw the crushing hunger of the world and so few dedicated servants of God to relieve that suffering. I saw the supernatural anointing that comes upon obedient believers when touched with oil from my fingers. I saw supernatural power flowing from our anointed praise band, washing over all of you. Suddenly all was clear. Suddenly I knew. I knew what I must do. And I invite you to join me in God’s next and greatest campaign to bless the world through our anointed efforts for Him. Are you with me? I said, ARE YOU WITH ME? I SAID, ARE…”

What Osteen has come up with is nothing less than inspired. Osteen Anointed Sky Song Ministries is all about music, crops, oil, and money. According to Osteen, “It is well known that if you sing to plants, they grow better, so it's not hard to see how music, crops and oil that I have personally blessed can come together to relieve world hunger.”

Osteen plans to begin his blimp ministry just outside of Houston dedicated to anointing farmer's fields (following a donation to his ministry) using drums of fertilizer saturated sunflower oil. As the anointing progresses, Hillsong praise choruses will blare down onto the growing crops. According to Osteen, “We have people clamoring to get in on donating funds to help us bring this blessing to the world.”

Drummer, Turk Lee said, “I hear there are openings for rotating praise bands on the blimp. That’s like, so cool. Gotta try it, ya know?”


Program director Curtis Swift speculated, “If this ministry takes off, there will be satellite projects birthed in foreign lands with evangelical blimps embarking in "prayer cruises" over Muslim towns doing the same thing.  You can contact me if you have friends wanting in on that.”

Newark, NJ - Representatives of the Episcopal Church USA announced on Monday plans to begin allowing the ordination of straight males within the denomination. The news was received with mixed results within the denomination, but many reacted favorably to the news.

"I personally think it's wonderful," said Rev. Patricia Lauden-Phat-Wilkenson. "It's important that our denomination be seen as one that welcomes people from all walks of life, even straight males. They're no different from any of us really. They just want to serve God, and who are we to say they cannot fulfill that calling because of their gender or sexual orientation."

But while some celebrated the news, others were disappointed in the announcement and are already planning to voice protests.

"It's despicable," said Rev. Allison Porter-House-Nichols. "Our denomination is going to the dogs. If they start allowing the ordination of straight males, who knows what they'll allow next, like freaks who use the Bible."

Porter-House-Nichols went on to further state that she plans to stage a 1 hour "hunger strike" this Friday evening at 11:00PM at her parish in Newark to protest the decision.

"We plan to let those in charge know that we're not pleased with this decision," she stated. "If we need to we'll plan as many of these 1 hour hunger strikes that we need to in order to get our point across."

DAYTONA, FL - Youth Pastor Chad Talbot of Oceanside Baptist Church has discovered an inventive way to get his youth to communicate much more frequently with God: texting. In fact the youth group's new slogan is simply, "TEXT WITHOUT CEASING!" (Click here for their inspiration.)

According to Chad, "I could tell that most kids in the youth were not spending much of any time in prayer. The truth is that the quiet nature of traditional prayer is just too slow, too silent, and too un-technological to appeal to this generation. Instead of complaining about that, I figured that we should go with it. Since every kid these days likes to text, why not encourage them to do so?"

Amy Phillips, a sixth-grader at Oceanside, told TBNN, "I text my friends all the time. Ever since my mom got me unlimited texting, I probably text my friends more than I actually talk to them. When Pastor Chad suggested that we text God, at first it seemed a little weird. But then after I did it a few times, it was great. Now I'm texting God at least ten times per day, which is way more than I ever used to think about Him."

Pastor Chad has laid out a few guidelines in the "TEXT WITHOUT CEASING!" program. He has suggested the following: First, when you text God, don't do it while talking with friends. Second, when you text God, don't cut Him off to take a call. Third, when you text God, make sure you have a signal. Fourth, when you text God, remember to thank Him once in a while."

Chandler Harris, age 14, said, "I enjoy texting God, but I do have a problem. I'm always telling Him about things I need, but I never seem to hear back from Him. I have a Blackberry Bold, so I can get e-mail, too. He never seems to want to tell me anything."

Pastor Chad has one final warning to his kids, "Above all else, when you text avoid using OMG!"