Attended an office party last night. There was plenty of booze and food, including some of the chocolate variety. Sadly, no heaving bosoms. The point is that I'm feeling lazy today. So make do with something old but good, good.

This guy has talent. May lack girlfriend.

High-tech toilet manufacturer Toto Ltd., has admitted more than two dozen instances of malfunctioning thrones. Unfortunate victims reported seats which began giving off smoke, and, in three extreme cases, actually went up in flames. At this point, you're asking yourself just how the fuck a toilet catches fire. Aren't they all just porcelain, plastic and water? Not here in Japan. Japanese toilets are incredibly sophisticated, with features such as multi-stream bidets, temperature controlled seating, ambient lighting, and blow-drying action. Of course, these are just the standard options. A fully tricked-out Toto toilet (model S5000 in Cotton White) recently defeated Garry Kasparov in a best-of-seven chess series. So this latest development comes as no surprise to those of us dumping in the land of the rising sun. It was really just a matter of time before the toilet learned to fight back. Toto is scrambling to rectify the situation with free checks and repairs for all affected model numbers. I highly recommend you take them up on their offer.

Jikei Hospital in Japan has begun installation of the country's first 'baby hatch'. Once launched, bored mothers will be able to deposit their unwanted babies in complete anonymity. The hatch comes furnished with incubator, monitoring camera, and fire-extinguishing sprinkler. It is hoped the device will save the social lives of countless young women each year. In response, the Salvation Army announced they would one-up the hospital with their own plan to accept donations of both newborns and elderly. Explained Etsuo Susuki, Salvation Army Lieutenant Tokyo Prefecture, "We aim to be a one-stop drop-off for all your parental and filial obligations". When asked whether he expected a dramatic increase in foot traffic to their local thrift stores, Lieutenant Suzuki predicted, "brisk" business on the baby end, but "sluggish" sales of the aged given "they can be difficult to retrain and, in all honesty, are not nearly as cute once fully grown". Retailing analysts offered a more dire forecast, pointing out that Japan currently leads the world in surplus senior citizens. Ever the optimist, Lieutenant Suzuki noted that the Salvation Army was also facing stockpiles of argyle sweaters, polyester slacks and sensible shoes. Hinting at a possible retail strategy that would see a 3-piece outfit included with every geezer sold.

Write your own joke. Also available (honest injun): Jumbo Homo Sausage, Spicy Homo Sausage Spotted at 7/11 in ebisu.

The past two weeks have seen local newspapers and blogs heaping praise onto Tokyo's latest mega-development. The launch appears to have been an overwhelming success with visitors expected to top 25 million in 2007. Personally, I can't be arsed to drop by. Partly because I'm adverse to crowds. Partly because I've got a backlog of shows to plow through on my Tivo. But mostly because, as a general rule, I oppose all urban gentrification that doesn't yield a Kenny Rogers Roasters. However, I shan't let a complete lack of first-hand knowledge stop me from posting on this hot topic. I can easily regurgitate a review similar to the current crop:

"Blah blah design blah blah Japanese aesthetic blah. Blah design blah minimalism blah blah. Blah luxury brands blah design blah blah fashionista blah design blah design blah design blah design."

Entertained a guest from out of town over the weekend by taking her to the ping pong bar. Always gets a good reaction. However, this has been my 'wacky' go-to bar for close to a year now and friends are beginning to make repeat visits to Tokyo. So, I'm on the hunt for a newer, more bizarre, bar to amaze my friends with. Perhaps one that's inspired by a full contact sport. If you know of an unusual place, post your recommendation in the comments section or send me an email. In the meantime, here are my predictions for the next implausible, yet totally hot, concept bar: Stratego Bar Beekeeping Bar Crochet Bar Amateur Radio Operators' Bar Model Train Conductors' Bar Jousting Bar Nakame Takkyu Lounge 1-1-13 Kami Meguro-Ku +81.3.5722.3080

Growing up I donated plenty of quarters to the bank of prize dispensing machines outside my local Loblaws.

Over time I acquired an impressive collection of marbles, miniature cars, glow-in-the-dark bits of plastic, toy soldiers, superballs, lick 'em & stick 'em tattoos, and other similarly noneducational junk.

But I don't recall any anatomical models of the female urogenital system complete with removable full-term fetus.

Not a one.

The three months of intensive field work took me from the pachinko parlours of Tokyo all the way to the opium dens of Bangkok. And when August finally began winding to a close, I made the fateful decision to defer my acceptance into Grade One. After all, there were more smarts to be gleaned on Asia's teeming streets than in any grade school library.

Instead of Mrs. Chadwick and Principal Henderson, I received my schooling from the likes of Suzy Wong and Pat Pong. My motto back then: Live fast, die young, and leave behind a wicked-cool hockey card collection. I even paid a visit to Khoa San to have this tattooed across my neck.

But I never forgot my promise to Mrs. Chadwick. So, here's my overdue paper...