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We recently fielded a last-minute request to serve as officiates at a local wedding. During the course of the conversation, it came out that the caller was not the bride, but rather a friend of the bride.
It’s not unusual for us to receive last-minute calls. People do make last-minute decisions to marry and ministers do sometimes cancel. We’ve never had the call come from anyone other than the bride or groom however. It turns out that the friend is hosting the wedding at her house. Nice, huh? Most of the wedding party is from “back east,” and she thought it would be more fun for them to come to sunny Arizona for the wedding. She made that affordable by sharing her home. But wait. Later in the conversation, we found out she is eight months pregnant! Is she nuts, or is she the kind of friend we each would enjoy having? Better question: are we this kind of friend? I love thinking about how this friend will affect the upcoming wedding. She’s thinking she would like to become a wedding planner. I think she’s going to be a great one! She’s already a great friend! Your kids don’t get it.
Yes, we know they’re floating around in the clouds now that they’re engaged and the stage has been set for them to live happily ever after. Yes, we know they’re too busy to think, between working, planning, and living the life. Yes, we know they’re being bombarded by pitches from wedding vendors and advice from their goofy friends. Yes, we know they’re worried about the future – their new home, their 2.6 kids, their dog, and their SUV. But can’t they just take a minute to listen to us? What WE want? We certainly could teach them a thing or two, which we would gladly do if it would save them some of the pain we went through. If only they’d listen. If only they’d do it our way. Some of us are paying for the wedding after all. Well, here’s the message. You’re not helping. That’s right, you heard me. You’re being your parents. Or your in-laws. Or your friends. You’re not any better at being parents of the bride or groom than you were at being the bride or groom. How could you be? From reading a wedding planning book? Give me a break. You want a joyful wedding and a joyful marriage for your kids. Who wouldn’t. You love them. If you pause to think about it, that’s exactly what they want too – a joyful wedding and a joyful marriage. So what’s the problem? I’m going to let you figure that one out yourselves. But here’s a clue: How about engaging the kids in meaningful conversation about what a joyful wedding looks like for them? About what a joyful marriage looks like for them. Get beyond what flavor cake we’re having. Get to the vision. Get to what’s important. Then ask yourself the same questions. And share those answers with the kids. I’m pretty sure you’re going to be surprised by the results! February 26, 2007-
It’s just another one of twenty million benchmarks In a sea of firsts, this one is a second A click on that spinning wheel which never slows Giving meaning to it isn’t difficult It brings to mind a purple evening filled with joy As we celebrated out intention to live as one And gave official birth to the vision we live daily A vision that fills me up with all that I cherish Thank you for being my partner, companion, lover, And soul mate Recently a friend of ours, who practices natural healing, described his shock at learning that at least two-thirds of his patients did not want to get well.
After a while, he figured out the many benefits of sickness: lots of attention and sympathy, time off work, release from the expectations of others, freedom to choose when to participate – stuff like that. On the one hand, this seems bizarre. On the other, it makes perfect sense. I think it may explain why brides and grooms don’t seem interested in wedding coaching. After all, misery brings attention and sympathy. You may have to take time off work to get your wedding planning done. When you make a mistake, don’t look your best, or hurt someone’s feelings, they’ll understand because they know what you’re going through in the wedding vortex. If you don’t want to show up, you can just blame it on all of the many burdens of wedding planning. You’ll probably never have this kind of opportunity again – until you end up in the hospital. But you’ll be wearing a different kind of gown then. The price, however, could be your life. Not just in choosing sickness over health – but in choosing misery over joy. I’m not talking about your wedding, which can still be quite miserable; I’m talking about your marriage. You see, when you get used to choosing misery instead of joy, you grow ever more attached to those things you get from your misery. Don’t fool yourself by thinking you’re going to turn it off on your honeymoon. When we talk with wedding vendors about the coaching we do, the one comment they ALWAYS make is “Where were you when I got married??” Valentine’s Day has come and gone. Now what? Today is the wedding date of my parents, 57 years ago. My mom passed on 20+ years ago after 30+ years of marriage, and my dad remarried a couple of years afterwards. He was married the 2nd time for almost 20 years, before his wife died. For couples to remain together these days for such lengths of time is not as common as it was in my parents’ generation.
However, back then, couples remained together through thick and thin. Most women didn’t feel they had a choice to leave if their husband turned out to be totally different from the man they thought they’d married, or they discovered who they truly were or even if it was an abusive marriage. Men were similarly boxed in: they had the role – and pressure – of breadwinner. Of course, couples married “for better or worse, for richer or poorer...” and divorce was not really permitted. I am grateful that these days we can all consciously choose what we want in life, in a partner, in a marriage. This permits great freedom. It also requires taking responsibility. Are you up to it? Are you up for creating the marriage of your dreams? You can, you know. Your thoughts and your intentions are powerful and creative. You need to be clear in both if you are to actualize your heart’s desire. It’s not the easier way, but it sure is the more fulfilling one. And, it starts right after the engagement when you forge ahead on your wedding planning project. When you consciously choose and create for your highest good, your being married for decades will be meaningful and based on true values and not because you felt you didn’t have the freedom to live the life and be with The One you wanted. Freedom. Choice. Responsibility. Joy. It’s up to you. That’s a lovely phrase.
What is “thick?” What is “thin?” For me, thick is what it feels like when I’m stuck. In the mud. In the muck of situations in my life. You know what that feels like. Nothing is quite going your way. Some things aren’t even pretending to go your way. And there’s so many of them. You can’t quite get a handle on the whole mess. There’s no traction – no place to grab onto to start turning things around. That’s the thick. For me, thin is what it feels like when nothing is happening. Nothing is working. Energy is being expended. Goals are being set. Doing is going on. But the world is gliding by without being affected by all of this. Like a giant “so what?” That’s the thin. What you try to do with thick or thin is just get through them. Go with them. Allow them to resolve themselves. Better yet, we can look inside and try to figure out our part in creating this mess. After all, the mess is an exact reflection of who we’re being. Who are we being in order to attract this thick and thin? It’s easy to blame ourselves then. That’s where your honey can help. Joyce helps me know that I’m alright. In showering me with unconditional love – love despite the muck – she lets me know that I am worthy. When she reminds me that I’m worthy, that helps me remind myself. And there’s nothing quite like feeling self-worth to help you shake off the muck and move gently through thick and thin. Have you thought about the day after you say “I do”? You know, when all the excitement and focus on the wedding is over, you’ve returned from your glorious honeymoon, and now it’s back to the ‘real’ world.
We get so wrapped up in the wedding that we forget that that is just the beginning. I, for one, had given little thought to our life after the wedding. In fact, I wasn’t even sure I was going to feel any different after saying some words and exchanging rings. All I was sure of was that I wanted to be with Rog for the rest of my life. I would take what came and we’d go through it together – somehow. Like our wedding planning, time has been a factor in the ever-unfolding of our relationship. And, like our wedding planning, we hit some bumps along the way in our first few months as husband and wife. Initially, in the first few months of “the day after,” our egos clashed a little when we treated the one (our relationship) as two (separate self-centered individuals). I realized I had to learn to trust that Rog really loved me as he said he did, which was a love of a magnitude and breadth such as I’d never experienced. And, I had to learn that what was best for us as a couple, the third entity that was born out of Rog and out of me, and how we faced each other and the world was what mattered. Gratefully, I’m often a quick study. We have developed a style of communication that works for both of us. We always talk matters over as soon after as we realize that something might be off kilter. We always come back to our love and joy. And, I like keep our marriage promises nearby to remind me of the commitment I made to this dear man. We are really here to help support the other to be all that he/she can be. I don’t look to belittle my husband but to honor and respect and cherish him. I don’t look to get from him what I lack. We are two individuals who have come together and in the overflow have created this third entity, this wonderful union of two souls in a holy relationship of marriage. So what’s “the day after” look like to you? Here it is, a solid week since we posted a blog. And, now it’s November 1st! Where did the time go? How the time doth fly!
Halloween is past, Thanksgiving is just around the corner, and Christmas will be here in the wink of an eye! Oh my – that means 2007 is just a double wink away. Rog and I never seem to have enough time to do all that we want or think we’re supposed to do, and it flies by so quickly. And, we’re not even planning a wedding! I’m grateful to say that there is loads of fun in all that I do because I do so much of it with my beloved life partner, who is also my business partner. I hope your wedding planning and other adventures with your honey are full of fun and joy too. Still, it can feel like quite a load. Rog and I were talking yesterday morning about all that we have on our business plate and expressing that if we only did this more efficiently, or tried that strategy, or put more focus on that, everything would come together and be peachy fine. The light bulb went off and I realized that that wasn’t the answer. We are some of the most organized, hard-working, efficient people you could ever meet. It’s not about doing more or being more of something. The bottom line is that what we are trying to accomplish requires far more than the two of us. It most definitely is not about we’re not good enough. We certainly are. However, we cannot do it alone. Neither can you. You have a bazillion details to attend to, and wouldn’t it be nice to accomplish them in love and joy and with as little stress as possible? Ensure that by talking regularly with one another and getting a reality check about your expectations and your accomplishments. Then, ask for help. And, more help. Paid help, volunteer help, and help from Spirit. The time may fly, but it will do so with less stress and far more joy. Yesterday was my honey’s birthday. He’s not one to make a big deal over the occasion. Still, he’s open to celebration at any time, so why not for his birthday?
In the evening we gathered for dinner with his daughter and her boyfriend. And as I noted, the three of us would not be sitting around the table if Rog had not been born. For this I am so very grateful. On our first birthday together (this is now our third time around) I thanked his parents for bringing him into the world. Yeah, I’m pretty corny and sentimental... Rog’s birthday is just a particularly extra good reason to celebrate the love and joy we have. In the same way, your wedding is a particularly extra good reason to celebrate the love and joy you have... and have others bear witness to. That’s one reason why we say “It’s not just another party.” I hope you will never lose sight of that love and joy as you go about the wedding planning process, when you walk down the aisle, when it’s your paper anniversary year, when you’re sitting on the porch in your rocking chair. Yep, every day is a wonderful day to celebrate life, each other’s life, and the joy and love we hold for one another. Happy Birthday, Rog! Here in the Phoenix area, October and November are two of the prime months for holding weddings, outdoor weddings especially. The temps are generally in the low 80’s during the day, and by sundown, they reach the delightful mark - with scenery to match.
Since we had only recently decided to actively serve as officiants at weddings, we had not made our availability known to couples. So, even though in all likelihood you have everything set for your upcoming nuptials, we’d just like to let you know that we have some availability during these busy months to be your celebrants in case the need arises. Rog and I love to marry couples together – “The Two Reverends” you might call us – as it is yet another time in which we get the opportunity to think about our own love and the joyful wedding we created in which to celebrate and share it. Feel free to contact Rev. Joyce at Joyce@BizWorksStudio.com or Rev. Rog at Rog@BizWorksStudio.com. We can help things get back on track so you can go about choosing – and having – joy for your wedding. What are Sundays for? Church, perhaps. Family, certainly. Day of rest, might be nice.
I just like hangin' out – doing whatever seems to come up next for doing. I was up pretty early this morning, enjoying the quiet in my study, when the phone rang. That seemed kinda strange. Then I noticed it was my business phone. And then I saw who was calling. It was my honey, calling from our bedroom. She wanted me to come hang out with her, but didn’t want to get up to get me. That set the tone for the day! When I got up for the second time, we got comfortable together in the living room, sipping our morning coffee, reading spiritual books. Then she made pancakes – yum! After breakfast had a few minutes to settle, we walked over to the neighborhood park and shot some hoops. My honey is pretty deadly when she uses the backboard. Back at home, we did a very thorough cleaning of the bedroom together – oiling all the furniture and washing even the dust ruffle. We met for a financial conversation after lunch, which led to some serious planning about our business and our future. I made dinner. Joyce is washing dishes while I write today’s blog. We still have to make the bed and shower. And then we’ll be back where we began, in each other’s arms. That’s my kind of Sunday! Almost every morning, I don’t make coffee. Oh, I still love my morning coffee. I just wait until Joyce asks me if I want her to make it.
I could make my own – I’m quite capable in this regard. But there are a couple bonuses if I choose not to make it. First, my honey gets to do something nice for me. It’s a gift. By allowing her to make the coffee, I create an opportunity for her to be a giver. She likes that. And then I get to be the receiver. That’s nice too. It doesn’t matter how many times she makes coffee, I always smile when I see her walking into my study with that cup in her hand. What a wonderful gift! Of course I have to thank her then. Expressing gratitude brings up positive emotions for both giver and receiver. And I am truly grateful. Then we hug. Sometimes I think the whole exercise is just an excuse to sneak in one more loving embrace. So be it. And as I sip that coffee, I remember the love surrounding its making and delivery. I’m not usually much for rituals. This one is a keeper! Every Friday morning I usually head to Doc’s for a chiropractic adjustment. A little bit of crackin’ of the neck here, a bit of a massage there, and let’s not forget some applied kinesiology, AKA muscle testing, to see how my adrenals are doing. I really feel refreshed after leaving Doc’s office.
So what are you doing to get refreshed after a bout of wedding planning and running around? Are you ready for an adjustment? Perhaps you need a physical adjustment for your aching feet (boy, were my toes out of whack this morning!). Or maybe what you really need is an adjustment of attitude. It can be so easy to snap at someone when we are tired and overwhelmed with so many things to do and decisions to make - and far too easy to aim at our beloved. So on a regular basis it is worthwhile to take stock, to make sure that you are taking care of yourself in all ways: emotionally, spiritually, mentally, and physically. Not only does this serve you well, but it helps ensure that those around you get to be around the best you that you are. Is it time for an adjustment? This morning, Joyce and I were having an innocent little conversation when she stopped me to clarify something I had just said. Issue!
I’m a communicator. I work hard at being understood. This was a simple sentence and she wasn’t getting it. What’s up with that? Instead of giving her twenty million rewordings of the little sentence, which is what I would usually do, I asked her what she didn’t understand. Instead of thinking she couldn’t have been paying attention, I stopped to see what the heck had gone wrong. Instead of feeling attacked, she immediately joined in trying to figure out what she had missed. We couldn’t figure it out. So I changed a few words and she got it right away. Even then, we couldn’t figure out what had gone wrong. We’re just about to arrive at moral-o-the-story time. Or in this case, two. First, under ideal conditions, communication is nearly impossible. That’s right – nearly impossible. Two intelligent people, sitting across the table from each other, paying complete attention to what they’re saying/hearing, who love each other and talk all the time, still can’t reach understanding on a simple sentence. When conditions are less than perfect, well, I just wonder how any communication happens at all. More important, since communication is so difficult, how wonderful to have a partner who IS totally engaged in the effort – one who is willing to stop and examine the process – and to learn everything she can to improve the likelihood that one day, we WILL understand each other! That’s right, love is weak. It doesn’t get you what you want.
It doesn’t get you the right wedding dress. That takes money. It doesn’t get you money. You either have to work for money or extort it from your family. It doesn’t get you the date you wanted at your chosen venue. Somebody beat you to it. It doesn’t get Uncle Ned to stop drinking at the reception. Three strong men couldn’t prevent that. It doesn’t get your honey to show up on time. It’s just not going to happen. So, what good is love if it doesn’t get you what you want? Let’s ask that question from another angle: what do you really want? Do you know the feeling of unconditional love? What does it mean to you when, for at least one person in the world, you can do no wrong? When you know that regardless of what happens, that one will always be there with open arms to accept and comfort you? What is it worth to be lost in that embrace? Would you trade the stuff for that feeling of unconditional love? I’ve played almost every role a guy can in a wedding: groom, groomsman, musician, and celebrant – some more than once. And I’ve lived to tell about it.
But father of the bride? That’s one I’m not looking forward to. It all began a few years back, and I don’t remember whose wedding I was attending at the time. Suddenly, instead of relating most closely with the groom, for some reason I started feeling closer to the father of the bride. Yikes! Neither of my girls is talking seriously about getting married – yet. That’s a good thing because I don’t want to give them away. I don’t want to do the big welcome toast at the reception. I don’t want to dance the father-daughter dance. And I don’t want to think about footing the bill. I don’t know why it rattles me. The first time I watched Steve Martin in the movie “Father of the Bride,” I thought it was hysterical. The second time, it hurt. Since then, I can’t watch it at all. Have you noticed how fathers of the bride seem sort of lost at weddings? Like they’re trying to play their role but can’t quite figure it out? Like they know they’re supposed to be having fun, but they’re not? Like they know they’re supposed to be happy for everyone, but they’re kinda faking it? I know it’s tough for brides to break life-long ties with their parents and friends as they prepare for their new lives with what’s-his-name. But what about all those poor fathers of the bride? Who helps them through their difficult time? Dads, this one’s for you. If you’ve ever married off a daughter, I hope the wedding time passed quickly and without a lot of drama. I’m sure we’ll get over it, eventually. The groom... the father of the groom... the father of the bride... It seems like men just can’t ‘win’ at a wedding. It really does seem like a wedding is for women only. The women – the bride mostly of course – are the ones that get the most attention – heck, the only attention – and make the vast majority of the decisions. Well, I just don’t get it...whose idea was that anyway?
Without men, we wouldn’t be having a wedding in the first place. The bride wouldn’t even have been born – remember biology class? And, without a groom, there’d be no bride. In fact, without a groom’s father, there’d be no groom, and without a bride’s father, there’d be no bride. Oy vey. What a predicament – especially for the $100 BILLION dollar wedding industry (up from $80 billion). Guys, aren’t you tired of being discounted especially when you play such a huge role in this whole gig? Oh, and let’s not forget that it’s mostly YOUR money that finances the show. I say it’s time to rise up and be counted. I say if marriage is to be an equal partnership, then the wedding should be too. I say let’s embrace our beloved men as we go about this wedding thing and show them how dear they truly are to us (and not just for their wallets). I sure am looking forward to seeing and hearing from more of you the next time I’m part of a wedding. Please don’t disappoint me, guys. Father of the groom. Now there’s an entirely useless role for a wedding.
You don’t even get a special walk up the aisle. You just sort of sneak in from the parking lot and sit where you were told – quietly please. You don’t get to do a special toast at the reception. And you don’t get a special dance with anyone of note. Your partner is plenty busy however with her duties. So you don’t even get to see her much. You can hang out with your family. Fortunately, you got to pay for the rehearsal dinner. That’s the least you could do. And, the most. At the last wedding we attended, the father of the groom got to wear a tux matching those of the groomsmen. At least we could tell who he was. That’s it. Your big moment is to pick up a check at the restaurant. And that’s your only moment. You would think the father of the groom would have SOMETHING to contribute. I know, let’s start a new tradition for fathers of the groom. Something with beer would be good. Something the day after the wedding, when everyone else is asleep. I didn’t used to. Too much show. Too heavy on the costumes. Too much perfume and makeup. Too many expectations. Too much perfection. Too much judging.
Then, for some reason, I got over it. Yep, I’m still a guy. I would probably still choose watching a good basketball game over a wedding at least eight out of ten times. I still prefer shorts and t-shirts to a tux. I don’t need no wedding cake - give me a cheeseburger and I’m happy. But there was something about the last three weddings I attended that’s changed my point of view. First, there was my own wedding – our wedding. The love in the room that night was hanging so heavy in the air that it instantly brought a tear to Joyce’s eye. Actually, quite a few more than one. We still revel in recalling the magic that night. Then we attended the wedding of some friends. Although they were clearly stressing over the production, somehow, I wasn’t swept up in all that. When everyone started western dancing and sweat started pouring as they helped us learn the steps, it hardly seemed like the same wedding. And then there was the last one – the one just this past weekend where Joyce and I got to serve as celebrants. Wow! For a few minutes there, the four of us were really working up front. We were connected in a way that made it feel like we were the only ones there. The energy exchanged through our tears, choked words, and loving glances left its mark on me. So I’m a changed guy. Got wedding? Bring it on! ... married couples. Yep, it fortunately or unfortunately seems that way.
Rog and I officiated at a wedding for the first time this past weekend. It was wonderful. We attended the reception as well, so we got to hear the talk of the guests. It seems that the wedding couple, smitten with one another and glowing and so full of love, made many think warmly of their own wedding and their initial love. Now, I think it’s great to reminisce. But when the current state of affairs hasn’t kept up with that memory, that’s another matter. It pains me to see couples not connected to one another after having shared so much of their life, their time, and their energy with one another. And, the tendency is often that the longer the marriage, the less connected. Of course, it doesn’t have to be that way. Each of us can, at any time, just stop and reflect upon the “meaningful promises, loving gazes, and tears” that we surely experienced at our own wedding and carry it with us always. For one hour, one week, one year, twenty years. What a wonderful way to get back to the joy within no matter what is going on outside. It really doesn’t take much. Yep, it’s really magical to relive our joyful moments when we are witness to a wedding. And, for me, it’s far more “loverly” to live them day after day after day with my chosen partner. As we were driving to perform our very first wedding ceremony, we found ourselves asking first, why are we doing this?
That wasn’t too hard. We really love the bride and groom and wanted to help them find joy in their ceremony and their marriage, just as we had in their wedding planning. We wanted to learn about weddings from a different perspective. And we wanted to experience again the joy of our own wedding. But then we asked, do we ever want to do this again? That was tougher. Despite our coaching, the bride and groom had been sucked into the wedding vortex, where sanity goes out the window along with a lot of dollars. What’s worse – yes, I am making a value judgment – we got sucked in with them! Ouch! We got a little crazy and perfectionist in our preparations. We went a little overboard on our spending. We poured in quite a few more hours than we would ever have budgeted. On the way to the wedding, I told Joyce about the blog I was contemplating, entitled “Ridiculous.” That’s about how I felt. Fortunately, we waited until the ride home to begin answering the question! For a few moments that afternoon, up front, we felt as though it was just the four of us – bride, groom, Joyce, and me. We will always cherish those emotional moments, as we waltzed through meaningful promises, loving gazes, and tears. Ridiculous? Probably. Will we do it again? You bet! When your partner can’t make her commitment – can’t get her share of the work done – what then?
Do you remind her? Scold her? Keep after her until she gets it done? Do you blow it off? Let it go? See if she gets it done tomorrow? Do you do it for her? Pick up the slack? And if you do, is it a sacrifice? Are you resentful? Do you make sure to update the scoreboard? Do you let it be known? Or, do you see it as an opportunity – an opportunity to deliver a gift? Do you do your good deed secretly? Do you find joy in the giving? Joyce made a commitment to herself and to me to blog here every other day, as we had been doing. She hasn’t kept that commitment yet. She’s been working at other stuff and being very productive. I wouldn’t want to slow her down. And she’s been covering for me, without a word, in the kitchen. So I can be productive. So I keep sneaking in and blogging for and about her. It’s fun really. Then she finds it. And it’s fun for her too. This is when work becomes joy. A great partner can help you figure that out. And she does it by not doing her work – so you get to! How wonderful is that! I was thinking about the relationship between Joyce and me this morning – thinking that every day I am amazed by her and surprised by our growing love. There’s just nothing to compare, at least around here.
Which made me wonder, “Why are you comparing?” Ordinarily I’m against comparing. Too much judging and scorekeeping for me. On the other hand, comparing this morning helped me understand what’s important for me – made me look at the criteria I use to compare. Joyce keeps saying these really cute, funny things. And she’s got a wonderfully positive way of being. Except some days. Then she’s so aware of being in a funk and focused on getting out of it. She even asks me for help. Then there are those days when I’m in a funk. She’s there gently helping me out. And then there are the hugs. I don’t really want to compare our life together with anything. I just want to live it fully, in joy, every day. And if possible, figure out what pixie dust got sprinkled on us so I can pass some along to you! I was sitting in the dining area sipping my decaf while Rog was making breakfast for us this morning. I just stared at him, this magnificent being.
I was musing how this was my husband there. Ooooo-eeee. My ‘best-est’, ‘best-est’ friend. I am living with my ‘best-est’, ‘best-est’ friend! How very awesome. What a trip – what constant fun. If I get so excited about just staring at my beloved while he makes breakfast, can you imagine how I am when we’re engaged in activity together?! Is that how it is for you both? I hope so. And if it is, then of course, you’re together in the wedding planning process. Deciding on the location, test tasting the menu, writing your vows together, and on and on. Opportunities to know one another even better and to work as a team gracefully. And, you’re having fun to boot! Such a deal. Yes, I know there is so much to do if you’re going to have an event that at least somewhat resembles a wedding. And, believe me, I know it can get overwhelming. But, if you’re in it together – like you’re going to be in marriage together – you can get through it, and you can have fun and joy along the way. Here’s to you and your beloved! God bless. |
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