The Grammys were largely boring and atrocious, with Amy Winehouse winning three awards thanks to the appropriately named song Rehab and a taped performance that failed to entertain because it wasn’t live and didn’t feature Winehouse melting down on stage in dramatic fashion. USuxxors.com considered covering the event live, but we were too busy [...]

In breaking news from last night, Kirstie Alley was spotted last night eating a cheeseburger from a corner diner by a slew of X-17 and TMZ photographers, who blocked traffic for five minutes while snapping away photographs of the Scientologist actress. One photographer was killed when he squatted in front of a moving car [...]

The giant battle between six politicians and their armies of campaign staffers and devoted, obsessed followers ended sometime early Wednesday morning when everyone feel asleep after a completely uninteresting Super Tuesday. The only action came from scattered groups of Ron Paul supporters who continued their animalistic frenzy, slaying and oftentimes devouring supporters of other [...]

As the country prepares itself for the long and arduous process of electing someone to run for president in 24 different states today, mass hysteria grips the country. Six politicians fight for survival. Supporters wage war against each other. Bill Clinton eyes up Dennis Kucinich’s really hot wife, threatening to take her [...]

The rap industry is in red alert mode as Fat Joe has beef, and for once it’s not attached to a hamburger bun topped with cheese and 20 pounds of grease. Fat Joe is on the warpath after fellow rapper 50 Cent referred to the hefty hip hopper as fat. Yes, even U Suxxors is [...]

ABC was hit by a lawsuit today for millions of dollars from the Federal Communications Commission after claims that five year old footage of Dennis Franz’ naked ass caused a sudden weekend surge of violent deaths, suicides, rioting, excessive sexual activity, pick pocketing, pedophilia, and bestiality. “We can’t have that,” said FCC chairman Kevin Martin. The suit [...]

Mexico was nearly the site of a bloody battle yesterday when CNN talking head Lou Dobbs parachuted into the country just a few feet away from the border crossing armed to the teeth with ammo, weapons, and two samurai swords strapped to his back. Standing slightly sideways at all times while looking straight [...]