Joe has been seeing a psychoanalyst for four years for treatment of the fear that he had monsters under his bed. It had been years since he had gotten a good night's sleep. Furthermore, his progress was very poor, and he knew it. So, one day he stops seeing the psychoanalyst and decides to try something different.

A few weeks later, Joe's former psychoanalyst meets his old client in the supermarket, and is surprised to find him looking well-rested, energetic, and cheerful. "Doc!" Joe says, "It's amazing! I'm cured!"

"That's great news!" the psychoanalyst says. "you seem to be doing much better. How?"

"I went to see another doctor," Joe says enthusiastically, "and he cured me in just ONE session!"

"One?!" the psychoanalyst asks incredulously.

"Yeah," continues Joe, "my new doctor is a behaviorist."

"A behaviorist?" the psychoanalyst asks. "How did he cure you in one session?"

"Oh, easy," says Joe. "He told me to cut the legs off of my bed."

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next ten months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?" "You're going to die," she replied.

Once I was sick and I had to go to an ear, nose, and throat man to get well.

There are ear doctors, nose doctors, throat doctors, gynecologists, proctologists, any place you got a hole, there’s a guy who specializes in your hole.

They make an entire career out of that hole. And if the ear doctor, nose doctor, throat doctor, gynecologist, or proctologist can’t help you, he sends you to a surgeon. Why?

So he can make a new hole!

A fellow walks into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had.

He said, Shingles.

She took down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.A few minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked him what he had.

He said, Shingles.

She took down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room.

Ten minutes later a nurse came in and asked him what he had.

He said, Shingles.

So gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

Fifteen minutes later the doctor came in and asked him what he had.He said, Shingles.

The doctor asked, where.

He said, outside in the truck, where do you want them?

Three physicians are out golfing - then, a sudden storm, a bolt of lightning, choir music in the background and St. Peter appears.

St. Peter says to the first of the trio: "You know the routine. Let's hear what you did with your life."

The first one says: "Uh, well, I graduated second in my class from Yale, and decided to devote my career to the prevention of lazy-eye blindness in children. I've written more than twenty papers on the subject, have lectured at every medical society in the world, and was awarded the Nobel prize for medicine in recognition of my contributions, small as they were."

Peter looks at him and says: "Heck, I don't even need to call on you, I read some of your lectures myself. You're in!"

Sound of trumpets, gates open, angels carry him inside. "See you guys at the nineteenth hole!" he yells over his shoulder.

Peter says to the second of the trio: "OK, you're next. You know the routine. Let's hear what you did with your life."

Number two clears his throat and speaks quietly: "I, uh, didn't have the illustrious career of my fellow, but I can honestly say that I lived a good and productive life, and that I never cheated anybody or bent the rules to make my job easier. Come to think of it, I should also mention that I've spent one day a month at the free clinic for the past twenty-three years, helping to assure proper neo-natal and pre-natal care for disadvantaged mothers and children."

Peter looks at him and says: "Hmmm..." He picks up the gold plated telephone, says "Yes, sir", and listens for a moment: then nods, puts the phone down and says "The boss says the free clinic counts for a lot, and he'll let you slide on the affair with what's-his-name's secretary: you're in, too."

"OK", says the Archangel, "third ones the charm. How about you?"

The last doctor straightens his back, looks him in the eye and speaks: "I realized very early on that my expertise was as a people manager, and I've made a solid career by forging proactive alliances between doctors, nurses, patients, and other health care professionals. I managed the Wall street Community Health Plan for seventeen years, and during my stay I formed the first Tiger teams in health care management, combining professionals from all areas of expertise to contain health care costs and establish realistic levels of care and service on a going forward basis. During my tenure at WCHP, the average cost of care per patient declined over sixty-four percent."

Saint Peter raises an eyebrow, and then the phone chimes: he lifts it slowly. "Yes, sir. Yes, sir, sixty-four percent". After a moment more, he smiles, and says "of course, sir, that's very fair."

"The boss says you can come in, too", he tells the much-relieved executive.

The gates slide open, the trumpets blare, the angels come out, and then Peter intones:

"Oh, by the way - the head guy only authorized you a two-day stay."

A rich businessman’s wife broke her hip. The businessman got the best bone surgeon in town to do the operation.

The operation consisted of lining up the broken hip and putting in a screw to secure it. The operation went fine, and the doctor sent the business man a fee for his services of $5000.

The businessman was outraged at the cost, and sent the doctor a letter demanding an itemized list of the costs. The doctor sent back a list with two things:

1 screw $ 1

Knowing how to put it in $4999

$5000 total

The businessman promptly paid.

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him that she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.

"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.

He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write "spaghetti" on the back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.

Six months went by, and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and said, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means."

The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you."

Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, and fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the hospital emergency room. The head medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.

So the wife picked up the card and read: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs; two without."

A child psychologist for a school is asked to see a pupil who draws all his pictures with black and brown crayons.

He talks to him. Nothing obvious.

He gives him projective tests. Nothing shows up.

Finally, in desperation, he gives him some paper and a box of crayons.

"Oh goody," says the boy, "I get an old box in school and only black and brown were left."