(original text in Russian by californian-bi4)

A long time ago, when I was a freshman in college, we had this art history class. The subject was really-really interesting; however the lecturer was truly shit. None of the guys in our group liked him. Every Saturday, he opened the door exactly at 7:55 AM, and closed it permanently at 8:00 AM.
Late by 1 second? Sucks for you. Here’s why.

For the entire year, he showed us slides of paintings, sculptures, mosaics and stuff. From wall scribbles of the ancient man to modern artists of the 80s. He had tons of these slides, like a thousand of them or something. And, of course, there was an exam at the end of the year.
First a couple of standard questions, then one more for each time you skipped class (!). He took out a random slide and you needed to name the author and the title, or at least the author, or at least the title. We sort of remembered how Mona Lisa and Malevich’s Square looked like, but the rest posed a serious problem. Therefore, we developed a special classification system, which worked 95% of the time, and I believe it still works as of today!

By remembering these simple rules, you can easily become the arts-expert-guy among your friends.

1. Dark background and suffering faces? That’s Titian for sure.





Exception – this young bare-assed lady with no signs of intelligence. Not too hard to remember. Venus of Urbino; there’s certainly something venereal about her.



2. Does the picture contain huge asses and even men have cellulite? Have no doubt – that’s old Rubens.







3. Do the guys in the painting look like medieval Italian fags? That’s Caravaggio, all right.





He actually painted women a couple of times. Here’s Gorgon Medusa, for example. I have no idea why she looks like Johnny Depp, though.



4. Lots of little people? Bruegel.



5. Lots of little people + tons of unexplainable crap? Meet Hieronymus Bosch. Yeah, just like that German refrigerators company.





6. Should the painting have (or seem to lack) a couple of Cupids, the author could be:

a) Boucher



b) Watteau





6. Looks great, everybody’s naked and have Schwarzenegger-like shapes. Michelangelo.





7. Balerinas? Degas! Degas? Balerinas!





8. Contrasting, sharp style? Thin, bearded faces? Señor El Greco!





And finally:

9. Everyone, even women, share resemblance to Putin? That’s Jan van Eyck.





The End.

Original text (c) californian_bi4
Painting scans taken from Smallbay.ru

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