"Don't worry that children never listen to you; worry that they are always watching you. - Robert Fulghum

This is what our kids expect from us:

1. Don't spoil me
   I know quite well that I ought not to have all that I ask for. I'm only testing you.

2. Be Firm with Me
   I prefer it; it makes me feel more secure. (Note - anger is not firmness).

3. Don't let me form bad habits
   I have to rely on you to detect them in the early stages.

4. Don't correct me in front of people if you can help it
   I'll take much more notice if you talk privately with me.

5. Let me make mistakes
   I need to learn the painful ways, sometimes.

6. Don't nag.
   If you do, I shall have to protect myself by appearing deaf.

7. Remember that I cannot explain myself as well as I should like.
   That is why I'm not always very accurate.

8. Be consistent in what you say and do.
   Inconsistency completely confuses me and makes me lose faith in you.

9. Don't put me off when I ask questions
   If you do, you will find that I stop asking and seek my information elsewhere.

10. Please love me.
    I need lots of understanding and love to thrive.

Useful Books »

• Parenting the Strong-Willed Child
• How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk
• Setting Limits with Your Strong-Willed Child : Eliminating Conflict by Establishing Clear, Firm, and Respectful Boundaries
• The Emotional Incest Syndrome: What to do When a Parent's Love Rules Your Life

"To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance." - Oscar Wilde

1. Ambiguity is the first rule of flirtation. Surprise is another basic element of romance. Mystery is enticing, secrecy is suspect.

2. Few women can resist a sharply dressed man.

3. Mystery is good. But if you're not going to tell her where you're taking her, be sure to tell her what to wear.

4. Lunch is the safest first date. Never ask a first date if he or she believes in love at first sight. After the things that first attract you, notice the hands.

5. An old but worthy axiom: Don't do it on the first date. If you don't sleep together on the first date, it won't matter so much if he doesn't call. If you don't try to sleep with her on the first date, she'll be intrigued enough to go out with you again.

6. Persistence pays. But, if you are turned down three times in a row, stop asking. Obsession is not romance.

7. Always have a plan for a date. Don't ask, "So, what do you want to do?"

8. If he opens the car door for you, unlock his side before he comes around.

9. A kiss can be a comma, a question mark or an exclamation point. Learn basic punctuation.

10. Call when you say you will. Follow through. Head games only create heart aches.

11. Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep the standard for the rest of your life.

12. There are enough healthy people in the world that there is no excuse to fall in love with the emotionally challenged. Try not to be the first romance after someone's painful break-up. Let some other sucker go through the recovery period.

13. Romance treads a thin line between love and lust. The line between love and lust is as fine as that dividing love and hate.

14. In the beginning, believe everything.

15. A small gift or bottle of champagne stashed along the path of a moonlight walk is priceless. But romance will dissolve very quickly in large amounts of alcohol.

16. Memorize her favorite color, flower and scent. Memorize his favorite sport, color and food. Write down her dress, shoe and ring sizes. Write down his shirt, pant and shoe sizes.

17. When a man offers to make dinner, he's either a better cook than you or he's getting serious.

18. Doing a man's laundry is romantic, until he expects you to do it.

19. No one can read your mind.

20. Bring her flowers when you haven't done anything wrong, or she'll think you've done something wrong whenever you bring flowers. When he stops bringing flowers, buy some for him.

21. If a man's friend finds you attractive, you will only be more attractive to him. If a women's friend finds you attractive, pretend you don't notice. She'll love you for it.

22. Save water - shower together. Condoms mean never having to say you're sorry.

23. Recognize what you can't change about someone - almost everything. (The only time a woman can change a man is when he's a baby.)

24. The first gift to a woman should be large enough for you to catch if she throws it at you. While an electric drill may be the perfect gift for a man, few women are thrilled with a vacuum cleaner for a birthday present. A gift of cologne to a man is tricky: if it's not what he wears he'll wonder who you knew who wore it.

25. Never forget that men are just boys who are older. Allow him to show off.

Useful Books »

• 10 Foolish Dating Mistakes That Men & Women Commit: And How to Avoid Them
• How to Make Anyone Fall in Love with You
• Understanding Women: The Definitive Guide to Meeting, Dating and Dumping, if Necessary
• 1001 Ways to Be Romantic

Not finding anyone to play with, a kid took out his baseball bat and decided to practice alone. He said out aloud, "I am the greatest baseball player in the world" and threw the ball up. He swung his bat and missed. He picked up the ball and repeated, "I am the greatest baseball player in the world". He threw the ball, swung his bat and missed.

Dauntless, he concentrated hard for a moment on the bat and ball in his hand. Again he said, "I am the greatest baseball player in the world" and with a determined focus, threw the ball up and swung the bat hard. But again he missed.

He paused for moment.

And then picking up the ball, told himself, "Wow, I am the world's greatest pitcher!".

The moral of the story -

"What really sets superstars apart from everyone else is the ability to escape dead ends quickly, while staying focused and motivated when it really counts." - Seth Godin

Marissa Ann Mayer, the vice-president for search products and user experience at Google, has a similar advice for success - fail faster. In her words (from Turning Limitations into Innovation):

"Have you ever wondered how a product so lame got to market, a movie so bad actually got released, a government policy so misguided got passed?

In cases like these, the people working on it have spent so much time and are so personally invested that it's too painful to walk away. They often know the project is misguided, yet they see the effort through to the painful, unsuccessful end. That's why it's important to discover failure fast and abandon it quickly. A limited investment makes it easier to walk away and move on to something else that has a better chance of success."

Related Notes »

• Overcoming Failure
• How to be Successful

Books »

• The Dip: A Little Book That Teaches You When to Quit (and When to Stick) (80 pages)

"Fools say they learn from experience. I prefer to profit by others' experience." - Bismarck

1. Knowledge doesn't make you intelligent.
   Understanding does. Understanding = Knowledge + Experience. A virgin can read the Kamasutra, but he won't comprehend it until he has sex. The current leaders of US and UK "know" democracy. But by trying to force it down the throats of others, they show their lack of understanding of it (because they've never built it from scratch).

2. Faith is more important than religion.
   Even the atheists believe in something. It is faith (in whatever we believe) that keeps us going. We lose our self if we lose faith.

3. People will always judge you by your actions and not your thoughts and beliefs.

4. Anxiety can result from avoiding something.
   When you feel resentment and frustration and avoid dealing with the situations causing them, they often get converted into anxiety about something else. If you are really worrying about something, and have no idea why ask yourself, "What am I really upset about?" and deal with that instead of focusing on your feelings of panic.

5. Women. I still don't understand them.
   This I know - Women dress stylishly to impress other women, not men. Go figure!

   

6. Sometimes life sucks. Just suck it up.
   It'll pass. It helps to remember the last time you felt bad. You'll realize you've been through worse and have come out of it too.

7. Empathize more, advice less.
   Sometimes we just want to be understood. If you start shooting "logical" advice when the other person wants you to listen, he / she will feel criticized. Even if the other person wants advice, empathic listening will make them more receptive to your ideas. When in doubt, ask.

8. Think big, start small. Persevere.

9. Don't argue. Win them through action.
   An argument often offends people - words are interpreted according to a person's mood and beliefs. Actions and demonstrations are much more powerful and meaningful.

10. Don't see things with your eyes only.
    If you aren't flexible, life will break you. Practice looking at yourself, others and situations from a different perspective. Be willing to broaden your beliefs - understand Islam, read Desmond Tutu, read Gandhi.

Related Notes »

• Facts of Life
• The Rules of Life
• Secrets of Success

Books »

• All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten
• Things I Want My Daughters to Know: A Small Book About the Big Issues in Life

"I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant." - Robert McCloskey

Most people believe they are good listeners.

Listening for the sake of a conversation is easy. But listening with the intent to empathize - understand how the other person thinks and feels - is quite difficult. In a personal relationship, active listening - the skill of listening with a purpose - is especially important to enrich relations and resolve (and prevent) conflicts. Some of the things that interfere with our listening are:

1. Selective Listening:

   This happens when the listener doesn't pay attention (consciously or unconsciously) to what the other person is saying, either because they (i) don't like or respect the person or (ii) they don't agree with the other person. In such cases, often due to personal prejudices or a strong conviction, the listener tends to automatically disregard and 'tune out' what they disagree.

   Solution: If you don't like the speaker, disregard your feelings for him / her and focus all your attention to the topic being discussed - the idea isn't to get the speaker to like you but just to try to understand him / her. If you find yourself drifting or tuning out to what the other person is saying, focus on the things you disagree with and be more inquisitive - try to find out how the speaker thinks and came to believe or conclude what he / she said without starting an argument or becoming emotional. Equally important, convey to them how you formed your opinion on the subject being discussed. Again, the idea is to just try and understand each other rather than trying to prove who is right or knows more.

2. Jumping to Conclusion:

   Some people don't listen carefully because (i) they assume they know what the speaker is going to say next or (ii) they believe the speaker has some hidden motives. In both cases the speaker spends more time trying to figure out a reply or in 'uncovering' the hidden motives than actually listening.

   Solution: Remember, even superman wasn't a mind reader. So don't try to be one. Yes, you could make educated guesses based on non-verbal cues or your personal knowledge of the speaker. But you have an equally good chance of being wrong (this is one of the main reasons why couples have disagreements). So don't try to mind read; and if you have formed any assumptions, clarify and find out if it is right before acting on them.

3. Passive Listening:

   Passive listeners don't participate in the conversation when they disagree with the speakers and pretend to agree or compromise to avoid any confrontation.

   Solution: Passive listeners are often perceived as weak and / or boring because they don't communicate their thoughts. Realize that disagreements become ugly confrontations only when you take things too emotionally. Learn to be more assertive and expressive about your thoughts and feelings.

4. Relative Listening:

   There is a joke that there are two kinds of people in this world - one who will listen to you when you tell him not to pee on a fence (because it is electrified) and the other, who will disregard your advice and insist on peeing on the fence to find out if you were right. Relative listeners fall into the latter category - they constantly look into their past experiences and personal knowledge pool for references to what the speaker is saying before accepting anything. They thus appear self centered and arrogant and usually indulge in selective and passive listening.

   Solution: While a strong internal frame of reference (belief system) is good, it doesn't mean we have to automatically disregard anything that doesn't fit into it. Sometimes, the best way to show someone that you trust them is by accepting their advice and not being afraid to follow it.

5. Rehearsing:

   Some shy and anxious individuals worry about freezing up in a conversation, so they spend a lot of time in thinking about what to say next. Hence, they aren't able to pay attention and often miss out on what the speaker is actually saying.

   Solution: Relax.

Related » Assertiveness

"Good management is the art of making problems so interesting and their solutions so constructive that everyone wants to get to work and deal with them." - Paul Hawken

(The original author of these 'management tips' stories is unknown. )

A woman is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. When her husband doesn't answer the door, she quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. She opens the door, to find Bob, her next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $750 to drop that towel." She thinks to herself, "Men can be so dumb sometimes ...", smiles and drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $750 and leaves. The woman goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was our neighbour Bob," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the $750 he owes me?"

Management Tip 1: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

.......... ..........

A priest and a Nun get into a cab. When the Nun sits down and crosses her legs, she reveals a leg through a slit in the gown. The priest gets excited and can't control himself. He stealthily slides his hand up her leg. The nun says, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The priest feels embarrassed and immediately removes his hand and tries to recollect Psalm 129.

After sometime, he again can't help himself and lets his hand slide up her leg. The nun once again says, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologises, "Sorry sister, the flesh is weak and gives in to temptations."

He drops her off at the convent. On his arrival at the church, the priest immediately rushes to look up Psalm 129. It said - "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Management Tip 2: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

.......... ..........

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and their manager are walking towards the cafeteria for lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you ONE wish."

"Me first! Me first!", says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Puff! The Genie sends her to the Bahamas.

"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Puff! The Genie grants him his wish.

"OK, you're up," the Genie looks to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Management Tip 3: Always let your boss have the first say.

.......... ..........

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?" The eagle answered, "Sure, why not."

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Tip 4: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

.......... ..........

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings? They're packed with nutrients", replied the bull

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was then spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Management Tip 5: BullShit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

.......... ..........

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Management Tip 6, 7 and 8: (1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy. (2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend. (3) When you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

"Don't just focus on what you want to say. Most misunderstandings arise because of how you say it."

Regardless of the level of our communication skill, interacting with people can often be quite stressful. Learning to be assertive can help us reduce and cope with this stress. Assertiveness is a communication style where we express our personal rights and feelings more openly.

Everyone is assertive to some level, but the level of assertiveness could vary according to the social situation. For example, a man could be very assertive with his colleagues at work, but not with his wife and kids. Assertiveness training (AT) defines some basic concepts and skills to enhance our assertive behavior under varied social interactions.

Communication Style

Assertiveness training defines three different communication styles used by us when we interact with someone:

• Aggressive: Examples of aggressive behavior are fighting, accusing, threatening, and a general disregard for the other persons feeling. Aggression is about dominance. A person is aggressive when they impose their will onto another person and tries to force them to submit.

• Passive: People behave passively when they let others push them around, when they do not stand up for themselves, and when they do what they are told regardless of how they feel about it. Passivity is about submission. Nobody likes being dominated, but it might seem like the smart thing to do at the time (perhaps to avoid disagreement or confrontation).

• Assertive: Assertiveness is about finding the middle path. We behave assertively when we stand up for ourselves (when required), express our true feelings, and do not let others take advantage of us while, at the same time, being considerate of others' feelings.

Obviously being aggressive or passive has its advantages. If you are always aggressive, people won't try to push you around and you may get things done by cowing others down. People who are passive and give in to the demands of others may stave of disagreements or confrontation and be generally liked by everyone. However, if you are conceived as pushy and aggressive, people would prefer to avoid you. Passive people might end up being taken for a ride, as people take advantage of them, and feel anger and resentment.

Personal Boundaries / Rights

Assertive behavior is about a balanced approach. It is not about simply choosing between an aggressive or passive style of communication. It's about respecting the rights (personal boundaries) and feelings of others and expecting others to respect your rights and feelings too. If someone doesn't respect your rights and feelings, you communicate it to them. It isn't about scoring points or getting even by lashing out at them (aggressive) or feeling hurt and not talking about it so as to not embarrass the other person (passive). Assertiveness is about respect - for self and others.

Assertiveness training emphasizes that to be assertive, one must be clear about their (and others) rights while communicating. The five basic rights of every individual:

1. You have the right to do anything as long as it does not hurt someone.
2. You have the right to maintain your dignity by being assertive - even if it hurts someone else (provided you are not intentionally trying to hurt them i.e. being aggressive).
3. You have the right to make a request from someone, as long as you recognize that the other person has the rights to say no.
4. In many interpersonal situations the rights aren't clear. But you always have the right to discuss the problem with the persons involved, to clarify it.
5. You have the rights to your rights.

Assertive Behavior

The behavioral characteristics of assertion include:

1. Openness implies being clear and specific about what you want, think and feel. A lack of openness often leads to misunderstanding. "I didn't like that movie", "I feel irritated when you show up late", "I want to eat Chinese. Can we get Chinese?" are statements that are clear and unlikely to be misinterpreted.

2. Directness means addressing the person / situation directly. For example, if you are in a group and want to say something to someone, communicate directly with that person instead of addressing the whole group and hoping that the person gets the message. Or, if you want your husband to get you vegetables from the supermarket, address it directly, "Will you please get a packet of frozen peas from the supermarket?" instead of asking, "Will you, by any chance, be going out today?".

3. Honesty in communication implies that you be truthful and not mislead the other person. Example: your friend says, "I don't like your hairstyle" and you reply, "Yes, I don't too" when in fact you actually do. When we aren't honest, we deprive the other person a chance to get to understand and know us better.

4. Appropriateness implies taking the social and cultural context into consideration before communicating. Asking out a girl in a bar might be appropriate, but trying to get a date with a widow on her husbands funeral can certainly get you into trouble. In other words, don't forget your manners!

If our communication isn't open and direct, the other party has to do a lot of guessing work to determine what we are actually trying to say or want. They may also feel manipulated (especially if you are being dishonest too). Behaving inappropriately will lose you respect and invite ire against you.

As we grow older and deal with more complex social interactions between friends, family and co-workers, we also learn to be flexible. Here, flexibility implies learning to control emotions so that we can choose our communication style as per the situation, and not let our emotions dictate our approach.

For example, if your life partner or boss is yelling at you, it would be more prudent (and assertive) of you to NOT give in to anger and be aggressive too. However with a stranger you might prefer (choose) to be angry and aggressive when threatened, to have an advantage. Or you might purposefully choose to be passive when you are being robbed at gun point, so as to not endanger your life (even if you know Karate and fell like thrashing the mugger!).

Becoming Assertive

After understanding the basic concepts, the next step in assertiveness training is practicing it out. Assertiveness training deals with behaviors of various complexity. In the first phase, we need to practice our non-verbal cues. This means, while communicating

• Stand straight
• Make eye contact
• Speak loud enough

In the second phase, we need to practice

• saying yes or no, when we want to
• ask favors and make requests
• communicate our feelings and thoughts in an open and direct way
• and handle put downs

In the third phase, we need to learn

• adaptive behaviors in job situations
• the ability to form and maintain a social network
• develop close, personal relationships

Related Notes »

• Active Listening
• Self-Esteem

Useful Books »

• The Assertiveness Workbook: How to Express Your Ideas and Stand Up for Yourself at Work and in Relationships
• Too Nice for Your Own Good: How to Stop Making 9 Self-Sabotaging Mistakes
• Your Perfect Right: Assertiveness and Equality in Your Life and Relationships
• Verbal Judo: The Gentle Art of Persuasion
• When I Say No, I Feel Guilty

A goal properly set is halfway reached. - Abraham Lincoln

We've all experienced it - some days life just seems boring or mechanical. Sometimes the feeling lasts for a few weeks or months. Sometimes even years. Suddenly, one day, something happens that makes life seem more exciting.

Maybe you meet that smart someone who excites you enough and you think, "Hey, he / she's cute (or funny or nice or sexy etc.) and I'd like to get to know him / her better". Or maybe you pick up a magazine out of boredom and read a fascinating article and tell yourself, "Wow, I want to know more" or "I feel so strongly about this that I should do something". Most tend to attribute this [sudden] new found happiness and zest for life to some event / person / fate or "moods". Some just enjoy the moment and remain ignorant about the cause.

But the more observant among us know that the real 'something' that always made life interesting was the conscious or unconscious decision to do something - the moment a goal was defined, big or small.

Why Do We Need Goals?

It should be obvious - if you know what you want, it is far easier to attain it than if you are vague or ambiguous. Here's how goals help us:

• Goals give us a sense of purpose; something to look forward to.
• They motivate us.
• They keep us busy.
• Goals increase our power of concentration.
• They help us prioritize our desires, simplifying decision making.
• Goals help us to feel more in control of our life.
• Achieving them gives us a satisfaction, and the experience contributes to our personal growth.

Conscious goal setting increases our chance of achieving our goals.

Why does Goal Setting Work?

Goal setting works because the whole process is inclined towards making us think. Thinking is the world's most difficult thing to do. Careful preparation and thinking before acting doesn't necessarily guarantee success. But it makes us more aware of our thought process. Hence when we fail, we are at a better position to realize where our thought process was flawed and learn quickly from it.

How to Set Goals

Not all goals need an elaborate plan of action as described below. Small goals, like (for e.g.) going to the opera, don't need much thought. However, to achieve ambitious goals that are long term, a plan of action definitely helps. Here are a few things to keep in mind -

1. Write it down

   This cannot be emphasized enough. Write your goals down. Trying to organize thoughts in our mind is very difficult. Important points tend to get lost as we start another thought process. Our goals also need to be constantly on our mind so that we don't get distracted and remain committed to it. Thus, writing down the goals is very important to organize our thoughts and commit the plan of action to our memory. It also helps when we need to review our goals later.

   There is a huge resistance in us to not write down our goals. Deep down, a fear of failure is the most common reason. After all, writing it down is like a commitment to yourself. If we write our goals and not work on it for a long time, most of us accept it as a sign of failure. Probably because we tell ourselves, "I desired this so much, so why didn't I work on my goals? Maybe it's because <add a blame yourself or blame something else reason here>". To prevent this personalization / blame paralysing trap from setting in, we need to ask ourselves, "What do I do next?" rather than "Why did I fail?".

2. Break it down:

   Most long term, ambitious goals can appear to be unachievable and overwhelming unless we break it down. Breaking down a goal to smaller and more specific objectives makes it easier to achieve it and gives us more clarity on how to do it. Achieving these smaller objectives excites and motivates us further. Start the process by answering the question, "What do I want?" - eg. "I want to be a millionaire", "I want to improve my social skills", "I want to get passing grades". Then start breaking them down into actionable objectives that'll help you achieve them.

   Eg. "I want to improve my social skills" could be broken down into the following objective goals:

   • Objective: Learn to start and end a conversation.
     I will read and practice one chapter of the book '[Some Book on small talk]' every week till I complete it. (Start Date: 2006/12/20.)
   • Objective: Improve my small talk skills.
     I will pick a topic and have a conversation about it with different people every other day for 6 months. (Start Date: 2006/11/20.)
   • Objective: To curb my anxiety when I am with a girl.
     I will ask out 2 girls I am not attracted to, for coffee, every month for a year. (Start date: 2007/01/01.)
   • ... and so on ...

   This whole process gives you more insights into the obstacles you might face, your own limitations, other goals you might have to achieve first and so on.

   Always start your objective goals with 'I will', avoiding the word 'try'. 'Try' implies avoidance. If you feel like using the word 'try', perhaps the objective goal might be a bit too ambitious. For example, if your goal is to improve social skills and the action goal of asking out girls for coffee makes you really uncomfortable, aim a little lower, like - 'I will approach and have a conversation with 1 girl every week, for a year'. Objective goals should be action-oriented, specific, realistic, positive and a commitment. (For more on breaking down goals into objectives, read 'Reaching your goals').

3. Be specific

   "So you want to 'make more money'? Here's a dollar. You must be in seventh heaven now - you have more money now than you did before!"

   I am sure you get the message - we need to be clear and specific about our goals. 'Walk for an hour every morning at 6.30 AM till my body mass index is 20' is better than 'Do walking exercises' because it helps us track our progress and use the feedback to better our approach. Provide enough detail so that there is no indecision as to what exactly you should be doing when the time comes to do it. Being specific helps us to focus our efforts and clearly define our approach.

4. Be Realistic:

   Sure being positive is motivating, but if it doesn't have a dose of reality we usually end up going in circles without realizing it. Deciding to become a millionaire when you are 40, might be achievable (others have done it), but choosing to become a millionaire by first becoming a classical singer (without any training) might not be a very realistic approach. While framing your goals, be realistic about your ambitions, the time you can commit and your physical abilities.

   If you aren't sure, ask the opinion of others and request them to be brutally honest. Seek out these opinions from those who are themselves successful.

5. Don't Over-plan:

   Planning for a goal is hard work and an important step to achieve it. Over planning, or spending all your time on just planning the goals, is a sign of hidden anxiety about a goal. By spending time only on planning, you fool yourself into believing that you are working on your goal, but the actual fact is that you are avoiding executing the plan. If you keep postponing to act on the goal, perhaps the goal might be too ambitious for you and you need to make it smaller (see tip 2). Or you may need to use a little cognitive therapy to confront your fears.

(This article is a work in progress.)

"Learn all you can from the mistakes of others. You won't have time to make them all yourself." - Alfred Sheinwold

Katherine Nichole Deibel, a grad student at the University of Washington, states in her Deibel Rules of Life:

1. You hold some responsibility for any event that occurs.
2. No matter how hard you try, you will never see the invisible truck that will run you over in the street.
3. You can fail yourself, but failing another is not permissible.
4. If something you desire that others you love have is denied to you, do not hate that which you desire, but instead embrace your friends' having of it. Denying something to all is not the answer.
5. Live. Then die. In that order. No exceptions.
6. Talking to yourself is okay. Giving yourself the silent treatment because you're mad at yourself is not.
7. Our imaginations house our future, our potential, and our ruin. Make sure your imaginary friends are not your enemies.
8. You are not your parents.
9. Saving some bread for the future will not work. You can only eat in the present.
10. Just as cars should allow pedestrians to pass, so should the pedestrians occasionally allow cars to pass.
11. Time is an illusion invented by the Swiss to sell watches.
12. All views are important to hear because somewhere in the chorus of opinions is the single melody of truth.
13. Buying a Brita water filter alone will not save the environment.
14. Misunderstood words can still hurt once understanding is achieved.
15. You are not the hero of some movie, novel, film or story. You're not the villain either. You are not even a supporting character for someone else. You just are.

Dr. Michael Juda, Harvard-Smithsonian Center for Astrophysics, believes:

1. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
2. Follow the three R's: Respect for self, Respect for others and Responsibility for all your actions.
3. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.
4. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
6. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back,you'll be able to enjoy it a second time.
7. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don't bring up the past.
8. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.
9. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life. Do all you can to create a tranquil, harmonious home.
10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

Charles J. Sykes, author and educationalist wrote the article Some rules kids won't learn in school for the San Diego Union-Tribune. (This article is sometimes wrongly attributed to Bill Gates.) The following is a pared down version:

1. Life is not fair; get used to it
2. The real world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.
3. You will NOT make 40 thousand dollars a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice president with a car phone, until you earn both.
4. If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss. When you screw up, he's not going to ask you how you feel about it.
5. Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping; they called it opportunity.
6. If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.
7. Before you were born your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way paying your bills, cleaning up your room and listening to you tell them how idealistic and cool you are. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try cleaning your own room.
8. Your school may have done away with winners and losers. Life hasn't. In some schools they have abolished failing grades; they'll give you as many times as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.
9. Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summer off and very few employers are interested in helping you find yourself. Do that on your own time.
10. Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.
11. Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one. We all could.
12. Smoking does not make you look cool. It makes you look moronic. Ditto for "expressing yourself" with purple hair and/or pierced body parts.
13. You are not immortal. If you are under the impression that living fast, dying young and leaving a beautiful corpse is romantic, you obviously haven't seen one of your peers at room temperature lately.
14. Enjoy this while you can. Sure parents are a pain, school's a bother, and life is depressing. But someday you'll realize how wonderful it was to be a kid. Maybe you should start now.

Katie Paine is an entrepreneur. The following, excerpts from her manifesto, are some of the things she believes to be true about life in general:

1. Stay Fit: Staying Alive comes first – run, exercise, do something to keep yourself healthy.
2. People are Important: Relationships are next. Without friends, you are nothing. A friend, or a connection extends your lifespan by a decade. Put your friends first. The pain of losing a friend is the worst you’ll ever experience. Spend time with the friends you have while you have them. They might be gone tomorrow or next week, you never know.
3. Enjoy Life: No one ever lay on their death bed and wished they’d spent more time vacuuming, or at work, or asleep
4. Be Yourself: Be who you are and see who is pleased, stop trying to make everyone happy. You can’t. Be true to your values, your beliefs, your vision, your soul. Nothing else matters.
5. Everything happens for a reason.
6. Care: After breathing, the most important thing in life is caring.
7. Make a Difference: There are millions of people on the planet that just take up oxygen. Do you want to be one of them, or do you want to make a difference? You don’t have to make a difference on the whole while world. Make a difference in your community, in your family, in your neighborhood. It’s just as important.
8. It’s okay to miss your friends, it preserves their memories.

Related » The Rules of Life
» Secrets of Success

"For there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so." - William Shakespeare

An unhealthy self-esteem is often because of a warped self-identity which makes us more prone to stress, depression and anxiety. Cognitive therapy (also known as cognitive behavior therapy) is very effective in reducing depression and anxiety by providing us an amazing insight to all our actions and feelings. When applied consistently over a period, it also helps correct faulty perceptions about our personal identity thus increasing our self-esteem and making us more resilient.

What is Cognitive Therapy?

The basic premise of cognitive therapy is that your thoughts and attitudes - not external events - create your feelings.

An example: You are waiting for a friend who is late. If you are feeling annoyed, you might be thinking, "He is always late and makes me wait." If you are worried, you might be thinking, "It's not like him to keep me waiting. I wonder what's wrong?" The event is the same - the friend is late, but depending on your thoughts your feelings will differ.

Another example: If you just read the above and thought, "It's some trick. This guy is playing with words and imaginary situations to fool me ...", you might be feeling angry. On the other hand, if you thought, "Wow. That's profound ... This means I can change my feelings by just changing my thought!", you might be feeling very excited.

Based on this premise, cognitive therapists believe that "distorted" thinking patterns causes depression and unhealthy anxiety. A "distortion" in a thought means that while the thought might seem very truthful and realistic, it is actually clouded by faulty perceptions and not factually correct. And hence, correcting these "cognitive distortions" (a "cognition" is simply a thought) can help a person cope better with depression and anxiety.

The ten cognitive distortions

1. All-or-nothing thinking: All-or-nothing thoughts are characterized by absolutes. This distortion polarises a person's thinking into either extremes without any shades of grey. Perfectionist thoughts are often characterized by this distortion - they often feel if something is not perfect than it's a total failure.


2. Overgeneralization: A single negative event is seen as a never ending pattern of failure or defeat. These thoughts are characterized by words such as "always" or "never". For example, when John had a romantic rejection he thought, "Girls just don't like me. I'll always be alone."


3. Mental Filter: This is characterized by concentrating all efforts on a single negative details at the cost of other positive ones. Example: A teacher praises your essay a lot and adds in the end, "... but your handwriting is terrible, you really need to work on that." You obsess only on this negative comment for days, ignoring all the positive feedback you got.


4. Discounting the positive: You reject all positive outcomes by insisting that they "don't matter". Example: A designer, you create a great piece of art and everyone praises you. You discount it by saying, "These people have no idea. Any designer could have done this". This distortion takes the joy out of life and makes you feel frustrated and inadequate.


5. Jumping to conclusions: Without factual basis you assume things will go negatively. There are 2 formats of this distortion:
   
   Mind reading: Without any confirmation, you conclude that a person is reacting negatively to you. Example: "She must think I am idiot."
   
   Fortune telling: You predict a negative outcome; that "things will go bad". Example: Before an interview you might think, "I am going to mess this up and not get the job."


6. Magnification / Minimization: "Making a mountain out of a molehill" characterizes this thought pattern. You might exaggerate the importance of your problems and shortcoming and / or minimize your plus points.


7. Emotional reasoning: You assume your negative feelings reflect reality. Example: "I hate myself. This proves I am a rotten person." or "I feel angry. This means I am being treated unfairly."


8. "Should statements": You believe that things should be the way you hoped or expected. Example: "I shouldn't have scolded her." or "People should be nice to everyone." Should statements directed against yourself make you feel frustrated and guilty while those directed at other people make you feel frustrated and angry.


9. Labeling: Another form of all-or-nothing thinking, you attach a negative label to yourself or others. Example: Instead of saying you made a mistake, you label yourself a "loser". You may also label others - "He is a SOB". Labeling makes you think that the problem is with persons character, rather than his / her attitude or belief.


10. Personalization / Blame: Personalization is characterized by a tendency to hold yourself responsible for events that were beyond your control and leads to feelings of guilt, shame and inadequacy. Example: A child does something bad, and the mother thinks, "It's my fault, I am a bad mother." Blame is the opposite of personalization where you don't take any responsibility and blame other people. Example: "My girl friend is responsible for all the misery in our relationship."

Common misunderstanding about cognitive therapy

• Cognitive Therapy is all about changing your thinking, and does not involve behavioral change.
  Actually, Cognitive Therapy addresses your thinking, emotions, behaviors, and physiological symptoms (if applicable). Cognitive Therapy is called Cognitive Therapy because it is based on the premise that your underlying beliefs about yourself, others and the world influence the way you perceive situations, and prompt you to have certain thoughts, emotions, behavioral responses and physical symptoms.


• Cognitive Therapy only deals with surface layer problems, and it does not do much to change the root of people’s problems.
  Cognitive Therapy treatment starts by addressing present problems as a way to help patients gradually change their underlying problems. Cognitive Therapists work with patients to analyze what's happening in a given situation, come up with alternative responses, experiment with implementing new ways of thinking and acting, and gradually begin to change their responses to situations. When patients see how their reactions, mood and other symptoms can improve once they begin viewing situations in a more realistic light, they gradually begin to chip away at their ‘deep-seated’ core beliefs.

Continued » Cognitive Therapy - 2

(This article is incomplete and a work in progress.)

"Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up." - Thomas Alva Edison

What are the elusive secrets of success apart from the oft heard and less practiced 'hard work' and 'dedication'? Researchers have discovered that people who overcome impossible odds - discrimination, illness, personal grief and failure - and succeed have certain common personality traits. These characteristics of successful people include:

1. Happiness as a habit: Sadness, anger and other sufferings come easy. But being happy is very tough. Successful people have a talent for enjoying life. They try to latch on to the everyday joy, however simple or small. If they can't have big victories, they accept small ones. Terrence Des Pres, a former Colgate University professor who studied the attitudes of Holocaust victims, calls this tenacious hold on life "a strength beyond hope".

2. Flexibility to change: Accepting changes, and being flexible to them is necessary for success. Accepting changes means not abdicating ones responsibility and not blaming others for current circumstances. It means to look at change as an opportunity to learn and improve our skills.

3. Tenacity: Don't give up. Trying won't make the problem go away, but it'll make it more bearable. Successful people ask "What do I do next?" rather than "Why Did I fail?" This helps in 2 ways - you don't get bogged down by your 'failure' and focusing on doing something else keeps you motivated to keep working.

4. Reaching out to others: When faced with failure or overwhelming circumstances, successful people don't shut out others from their life. They readily ask for help when needed, and cherish the involvement. Duke university researchers have found that one of the best indicators of health, happiness and long life was the tendency to reach out to people beyond your immediate family.

5. Living in the present: Don't wallow in self-pity or live in a fantasy world. Says author Fredrick Buechner in The Hungering Dark - "Not one of us can bring back yesterday or shape tomorrow".

6. Having a dream: Goals give focus and can be incredibly motivating. Successful people don't shy away from dreaming and working on something 'seemingly impossible'.

7. Thinking long term: Most people look for quick shortcuts to success and aren't ready to endure any short term pain. Successful people don't mind stepping out of their comfort zone and think long term.

8. Interest to learn: Another common habit of successful people is the continuous desire to expand their knowledge - from books and, people they meet.

9. Sense of urgency: Successful people don't procrastinate and prefer to be decisive and act quickly. They don't waste time because they value it highly.

10. Mindset about success: The authors of Built to Last: Successful Habits of Visionary Companies say - " ... what appears to be constant is that the principles don't change over time. What defines these people's lives is their commitment to doing something that is meaningful to them."

Related » Setting Goals
» Overcoming Failure
» Make your Own Luck

"Let us never negotiate out of fear, but let us never fear to negotiate." - John Fitzgerald Kennedy

Prepare for the Negotiations

It is foolhardy to negotiate on assumptions, so make sure you have some specific facts in hand. Some of these information can only be learnt during the interview process; elicit them from the interviewer when an offer is made, before starting the negotiation.

1. What is your worth in the market? Changes in the job market is constant due to a globally competitive economy. So the first thing you should find out is the current salary trend for your job profile.
   
   
   
   • There are many free and fee based online resources on salary surveys like payscale.com, jobstar.org and salary.com that can give you a ballpark range.
   
   
   • Research salaries at similar firms in the same job function and the same industry. Call similar companies directly and ask their salary ranges for the type of job you seek.
   
   
   • Ask recruiters, employment agents, other professionals and your own network of friends and associates.
   
   
   • Other places to research are professional trade journals and business magazines and newspaper and online job listings.
   
   Remember to consider factors like location and experience that play a huge role too.


2. What is the offer package? In case an offer has been made to you, get specific details on the following facets of the offer -
   
   
   
   • Job Responsibilities: The specific job responsibilities and the first assignment you'll be working on is one of the most important aspects of the offer. If the assignment is to your liking, you might be more willing to be flexible.
   
   
   • The Signing Bonus: Some companies also offer an initial one-time bonus for start-up expenses like a new wardrobe or as an incentive to accept an offer over another (anywhere between 20% to 200% of the base salary). But keep in mind that since future raises are computed as a percentage of your base, it can be to the employer’s advantage to entice you with a signing bonus rather than a higher base salary. Also, most firm offering signing bonuses will ask you to commit in contract to work for a certain period. If you breach that contract, all or part of the signing bonus would have to be paid back.
   
   
   • Base Salary: It is best to present a neutral appearance and not tip your hand by any involuntary response like "Wow!". Some firms offer a higher signing bonus if you accept the offer immediately. Unless you've made up your mind, it is always better to ask for a reasonable amount of time to consider their offer.
   
   
   • Pension: A pension is a very important part of the pay package, especially if you intend to work long term for the same employer. Find out if they provide a pension to which the employer contributes. If they do, what is the pension scheme and how much is the employer contribution? Is this dependent on an employee contribution? What are the 'death in service' benefits? (Eg. a lump sum and a reduced pension for a spouse or nominated beneficiary.) What happens if you have to stop working due to some illness or disability? (Some schemes might pay you the pension you would have got at the end of your normal retirement age, other schemes might not be so generous.)
   
   
   • Relocation Package: If you are offered a relocation allowance, make sure you understand what is included - moving household goods, house hunting trips, and brokers' fees are examples.
   
   
   • Benefits Package: These are generally non-negotiable and are often standard for all employees. But they vary from company to company and so can be used to compare various offers before reaching a final decision.
   
   
   • Promotional Opportunities: Find out the promotional opportunities of this position, and the kind of salary progression to be expected in the first three to five years?
   
   
   • Tuition reimbursement: Organizations that want to encourage their employees to gain further education and training offer some form of partial or complete tuition reimbursement.
   
   
   • Future raises: Find out the methodology of the reviews and how future raises are computed and awarded. Are there performance-based raises and bonuses?
   
   
   • Profit sharing: If you are working for a growing and profitable organization, profit-sharing programs can offer you great year-end bonuses based on the success of the organization or your division.
   
   
   • Starting date: Some companies might want you to start immediately, and some might be more flexible.
   
   
   • Deadline: When an offer is made, the company also provides a time frame to respond. This is often negotiable; don't hesitate to ask for more time if you need it.


3. What does the interviewer earn? This information can give you an extra edge if the interviewer is also the one under whom you'll be working. After all, you wouldn't like your subordinates to make more money than you, right? So keep that sensitive issue in mind when you start negotiating. Generally ten percent less than what he/she earns may be an appropriate figure to negotiate on, but proceed carefully to make sure that the interviewer doesn't feel personally threatened by your salary request. (If you can't find the exact figure, even an estimate can help - use step 1 to figure it out.)


4. Who's the boss? As early as possible, find out who the final decision maker is with regard to hiring, determining your job title, and authorizing your compensation agreement.


5. Who's the competition? If possible, determine how desperate is the employer to fill in the position, how many other candidates are being considered and how you measure up to them.

Be Realistic, This is How the Market Works

According to Jeanne Sahadi, CNNMoney.com senior writer, employers seem to have the better hand in pay negotiations. Some insights from her:

1. Your pay doesn't necessarily reflect performance and seniority. Demand and supply in action - Managers will pay what the market demands to get the right candidate. So in a tight job market the starting salary of a new hire at your level may come close to or even match yours, despite your seniority and experience. And companies generally won't correct this discrepancy unless you raise the issue.

   Keep abreast of the going rate for people with your experience and education, especially if you were hired in a down market.

2. Campaign for pay raises months before the review. Smart companies "always have a little something in their back pocket ... to use when they need it - say to keep an employee they can't afford to lose," said Dallas-based compensation consultant Rebecca Elkins. Say you fit that category, and you request an 8 percent raise when the company typically has offered you 4.5 percent. Smart managers would ask themselves, "Am I willing to lose this person for $500 a month?"

   The day of your review is not the time to negotiate a higher raise since your manager has already gotten approval for the increase he's budgeted. Your campaigning should start months before.

3. When you're told they can't pay you more now, budget may not be the issue. If you ask for more money and your boss says the budget is too tight now, it might mean - your boss doesn't think you're that much, he doesn't have the authority to make that decision, he doesn't want you competing with him or that you are already paid at the top of the company's scale for your position.

   Ask around what it will take for you to reach your desired pay level or consider whether you want to continue working in that position at that company

4. Bosses pay more if they like you. Bosses do have favorites. So it's easy to assume your manager sweetens the pot for his faves. But more realistically, chances are the employees he likes the most are also the ones who make his job easy and who make him look good to his managers.


5. Yes, there is a blacklist. Some companies push select employees out of their jobs or layoff an entire department just to get rid of one or two people without incurring liability. One easy way to get on a blacklist is to insult the boss or be overly negative about the company on email, in a meeting, or at the water cooler. Then there are some employees who can do no wrong, or if they do, they're far more likely to be given some slack. They're the employees who are perceived as trustworthy, even if they're not the top performers.

Negotiating Tips

While every interview will be different here are some common pitfalls you should avoid while negotiating your salary package:

1. Initiating Negotiations Too Soon
   Timing is very important. The best and appropriate time to negotiate is when a formal offer has been made.


2. Only Negotiating Salary
   While the base salary or the money is the most negotiated piece of the salary package, don't ignore the other parts. These include signing bonuses, unpaid leave, relocation expenses, flextime, severance and predetermined timeframes for salary reviews. Be flexible.


3. Mistrusting the System
   Many job seekers operate under the assumption that employers will, without exception, try to lowball and take advantage of them, no matter how well-qualified they are for a position. While some employers might pay employees below industry standard, you should never enter a negotiation with a them-versus-me mentality. Many companies have a predetermined budget for every position and an offer may boil down to a take-it-or-leave-it proposition, only because that's all the budget allows for the position, not because the employer is trying to take advantage of you.


4. Assuming Your Degree Entitles You to a Higher Starting Salary
   Having an advanced education is nothing more than a threshold requirement that enables prospective employers to narrow down the pool of applicants to a manageable size. If you have relatively little real-world work experience, your degree may keep you in the running, but it won't entitle you to a higher salary.


5. Believing Every Negotiation Should End in Your Favor
   It's naive to assume you'll always get what you want. Negotiating isn't a win-lose proposition; it's a compromise, and you should be prepared for that. That doesn't mean you should settle for any offer that comes your way, but sometimes an agreeable settlement just might not be possible.

"We all live with the objective of being happy; our lives are all different and yet the same." - Anne Frank

Feeling stressed out? Tired? Bored? Here's a few simple tips to cope with stress and help you become more energetic and alert:

1. Take a Stroll: Studies show that spending time outdoors provides a mood boost by reducing stress hormones and lowering blood pressure. Sunlight can also increase the body's production of serotonin, which lifts mood and increases energy. A weather where there's a lot of air and water movement in the atmosphere (like in a thunderstorm) may also increase the body's oxygen intake and serotonin levels, says Michael Terman, Ph.D., director of the Center for Light Treatment and Biological Rhythms at New York–Presbyterian Hospital.


2. Obsess Less: When your mind is in overdrive, your body secretes stress hormones, such as cortisol, which over time can wreak havoc on the body. It can also make falling asleep difficult by suppressing the hypothalamus, the part of the brain responsible for lowering body temperature so that you can shift into sleep mode. For a quick fix, "Ask yourself, 'Am I in imminent danger?' It may sound irrational or melodramatic, but that's the point. You bring yourself down to earth by reminding yourself that your worries aren't crises. This will relax your body’s adrenal 'fight or flight' system and help you feel in control."


3. Drink Fluids: Your body needs water to transport oxygen to your cells. Deprive yourself of sufficient liquids and you may feel tired or get headaches. While there's no magic number for the amount of liquid to consume in a day, experts say you should try to drink at least four tall glasses of water. Caffeine gets a bad rap, but used judiciously, it can give you a lift. Try to limit yourself to one cup of coffee in the morning and, if you must and it doesn’t interfere with falling asleep at night, a half cup after lunch. Consider switching to green tea, which contains caffeine but also theanine, a calming substance that counteracts the jitters from caffeine.


4. Do Things That Lift Your Spirits: Fun people, rhythmic music, and funny movies can boost your energy level, researchers have found. Listening to music invigorates the body by activating several areas of the brain at once, building new nerve connections. It also increases oxygen flow to the heart, which perks you up as well.


5. Eat Consistently: Eating consistently - three small meals with snacks in between - keeps your blood-sugar level even, so you don’t experience the highs and lows that occur when you go too long without food, says Molly Kimball, a registered dietitian at the Ochsner Clinic’s Elmwood Fitness Center, in New Orleans. Ideally, all your meals and snacks should contain complex carbohydrates (produce, whole grains) to provide fuel, and protein (nuts, cheese) to give you endurance. Try an apple and a piece of cheese or carrot sticks and edamame. Snacks of refined carbs, like cookies and pretzels, provide an initial rush, but the body burns them quickly and your energy soon flags. To satiate a sweet tooth, try dark chocolate. It contains the chemical phenylethylamine, which increases energy by improving mood and attention span.


6. Exercise: Regular workouts boost energy stores by conditioning the body to make optimal use of oxygen and glucose, its two primary fuel sources. There's good evidence that simply walking regularly can boost energy.


7. Breathe Deep: Shallow breathing prevents the body from getting enough oxygen. Many people fail to breathe deeply when they feel tense, which is one reason they may feel zapped at the end of a stress-filled day. "The general principles of correct breathing are to make it deeper, slower, quieter, and more regular," says Andrew Weil, M.D. Doing so helps you force more oxygen into your cells, which slows heart rate, lowers blood pressure, and improves circulation, ultimately providing more energy.


8. Move Around: The more active you are, the better your circulation will be. And good circulation is essential for energy because blood transports oxygen and nutrients — fuel for the cells — to the muscles, brain, etc. If you have a desk job, get up throughout the day — once an hour is ideal — to give your body breaks from activities such as typing and staring at the computer. Also, stand up when you’re on the phone or pace around the office. When you’re stuck seated, like on a long car ride, do neck rolls and shoulder shrugs and circle your feet to keep blood circulating.


9. Don't Slouch: Good posture opens the chest cavity and increases oxygen intake by as much as 30 percent, making more energy available to your mind and muscles. If you’re a sloucher, trade in your chair for an exercise ball, which forces you to sit taller, says Andrew Weil, M.D., author of Healthy Aging.


10. Try Something New: Recent research confirms new experiences give you a rush. "We've known that when people do something novel, the brain's reward chemical, dopamine, is released," says Gregory Berns, M.D., a neuroscientist at Emory University, in Atlanta, and the author of Satisfaction: The Science of Finding True Fulfillment (Henry Holt, $24, amazon.com). But novelty has an added benefit. "What we’ve discovered in the last five years," Berns says, "is that dopamine is also a motivating chemical that gears us up to do more." In other words, take a trip or learn Spanish and you may also feel inspired to start a new project at home or work.

Related » Overcoming Failure

"The most difficult phase of life is not when no one understands you. It is when you don't understand yourself." - Author Unknown

If you are not happy or satisfied with your life for reasons you can't pinpoint specifically, it's probably because your self-esteem might be in the low phase. Low self esteem can make you blame yourself for things that aren't your fault; underestimate your abilities, and make you a pessimist. Self-esteem plays a role in almost everything you do.

What is Self-Esteem?

Very simply put - how much you like yourself and feel lovable and capable..

Self-esteem is often confused with self-confidence. Self-confidence is the knowledge that one can succeed at something – relationship, career, goal etc. Self-esteem, on the other hand, is the capacity to like and love one self; and feel worthwhile, irrespective of all the ups and downs of life.

Someone with a healthy self-esteem simply likes himself or herself. A healthy self-esteem is not contingent on success because there are always failures to contend with. Neither is it a result of comparing ourselves with others because there is always someone better. With a healthy self-esteem, we like ourselves because of who we are and not because of what we can or cannot do or what others think of us.

Self-esteem is the foundation of our personality, a fundamental essence that defines everything about us. Self-acceptance and our personal identity together constitutes our self-esteem -

• Self-Acceptance:

  Self-acceptance is not a denial of a need for change or improvement - it is simply a recognition of who we are. As Dr. David D Burns says, "We need to learn to accept and love ourselves as a flawed and imperfect human. We need to accept our strengths as well as our weakness without a sense of shame or embarrassment."

  It is foolish to deny our shortcomings since it helps us to empathise and connect with others. After all, for example, if you've never felt embarrassed or foolish how can you genuinely care for and understand someone who has? If you feel ashamed of certain feelings and avoid or try to repress them, how do you think you will react to those feelings from someone else? Our personal identity develops from self-acceptance. This is why self-acceptance is at the core, and the first and most important step we need to take to enhance our self-esteem.

• Personal Identity:

  What we think about ourselves, our self-image or personal identity, is also very important to our core of existence. It is our cultural and personal values, beliefs and philosophy by which we define our personal worth; it influences how we evaluate ourselves and others.

As mentioned before, self-confidence is knowledge and mastery of skills. In today's westernized culture, self-confidence does affect our personal identity (and thus self-esteem). But self-esteem plays a more dominant role in influencing the other.

Self-esteem isn't constant; it fluctuates - it is not an either / or proposition. There is high self-esteem and there is low self-esteem, and many gradations in between.

Self-Esteem and Behavior

Low self-esteem fosters many unhealthy behaviors. Even though we might become aware of these behavioral problems, it's often a Herculean task to change them unless the root of the problem (the warped self-esteem) is not dealt with first.

An example: Perfectionists try to hold themselves to a higher standard than others because they fear criticism and seek approval due to which they often procrastinate, fear away from taking risks or are late in completing tasks.

Since their concept of self-esteem is based on getting 'outside' approvals (i.e. they feel good about themselves only when people whom they like and respect 'approve' them), unless they work on correcting this warped idea, they'll have great difficulty in changing their behavioral problems.

A study on self-esteem and sexual behavior in adolescents by Indiana University School of Medicine reports - "... 40 percent of the girls with low self-esteem in seventh grade had sex by ninth grade ... High self-esteem had the opposite influence on girls, who reportedly were three times more likely to remain virgins than girls with low self-esteem. Fifty percent of the boys with high self-esteem in seventh grade had sex by ninth grade, compared to only 29 percent of the boys with low self-esteem."

Self-esteem and Relationships

People who feel that they are likable and lovable (in other words people with good self-esteem) have better relationships. They are more likely to ask for help and support from friends and family when they need it.

How we look at our self also decides how we believe people judge us. This is why many with low self-esteem get stuck in unhealthy relationships - if we don't like or love ourselves, it's easier to believe that others will not too.

For example, an unhealthy self-esteem might make some people believe that their partner is much better than them and they're lucky to be with him / her. This might occasionally result in feelings of insecurity, jealousy and and actions like making unrealistic demands from the other person. Low self-esteem can manifest as you looking for signs that your partner has lost interest in you or prefers someone else or is only seeing you because they pity you. Or it can make us defensive and feel like we are being criticized when we are not.

Self-esteem and Emotions

All emotions are actually healthy – even those so called negative ones like anger, sadness, frustration etc. It's natural (and healthy) to feel upset when you fail, or outraged at an injustice. "If you are facing, or think you are facing, a negative event, it is not healthy for you to feel good about the occurrence of this event, nor is it healthy for you to feel indifferent about it. Rather, it is healthy for you to feel bad about it. Feeling bad about a negative event helps you to think clearly about the event, to change it if it can be changed and to make a constructive adjustment to it if it can't be changed", says Dr. Windy Dryden professor of psychotherapeutics at Goldsmiths College, University of London.

But a warped sense of self-image can cause these emotions to become destructive – sadness can become depression, healthy anger can become unhealthy, destructive anger. The more unhealthy our negative emotions become, the more it interferes with our ability to think clearly about it, we are less likely to change it in constructive ways if it can be changed, and if it can't be changed our adjustment is likely to be a poor one.

Building Self-Esteem

The development of self-esteem is a lifelong task. From the moment we are born, we are all developing, refining and changing our sense of personal identity and self-acceptance. Here are some steps that can help us improve our self-esteem:

• Focus on your strengths, not shortcomings - Using self hatred to 'motivate' yourself to change can be very damaging. Forgive yourself for your mistakes and focus more on your strengths than your weakness. Don't put yourself down and don't beat yourself for any lack of skill or any weakness.
• Maintain a gratitude diary - Make a list of the things that you already have that were once goals - all the things in your day you can do, the activities and people of your life you are most grateful for, the resources you already have available to you. Add to this list ever day - write down at least one thing you are glad about every day.
• Learn to identify cognitive distortions - The more our thoughts about ourselves are distorted / incorrect, the harder it is to like, love and accept ourselves and / or others. Cognitive therapy teaches us how to identify the distortions in our thoughts and beliefs, and correct them.
• Compete with yourself, not others - People with healthy self-esteem compete only with themselves. The less self-assured person feels compelled to equal or surpass his colleagues' success because they equate their self-esteem with success, and hence feel threatened with someone more successful. They endlessly seek approval and applause, feel happy when they get it or devastated when they fail or are criticized.
• Play self-esteem games: Play the self-esteem games every morning for 5 minutes. Research indicates that these computer games help us enhance our self-acceptance.

It helps to remember: Since ups and downs are a natural part of our life, we can have a healthy self-esteem and still have self doubts occasionally.

Related Notes »

• I Am Me (a poem on self-acceptance)
• Self hatred vs Self love
• Assertiveness

Useful Books »

• The Self-Esteem Workbook
• The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem
• Ten Days to Self-Esteem

"A good many failures are, ofcourse, nothing but mistakes, the result of greed, stupidity, thoughtless bandwagon-climbing, or incompetance whether in design or execution. Yet, if something fails despite being carefully planned, carefully designed, and conscientiously executed, that failure often bespeaks underlying change and, with it, opportunity."
- Peter Drucker

One aspect of confidence is the knowledge that you have the skillset to succeed at something. As Peter Drucker emphasizes, failures are necessary to identify skills you lack, learning which can contribute to your self-confidence. While increased confidence reduces fears of failure, some other things to keep in mind:

1. Be realistic: Expect to face failure. There is no one in this world who hasn't failed at something at some point in life. Successful people haven't achieved their success because they have learnt to avoid failures; rather they have learnt how to cope with the defeats they face. And, like Marissa Ann Mayer said, learn when to quit.


2. Don't 'lash' yourself: Many have a tendency to look down hard on themselves when they fail. Emotionally berating and putting oneself down does not help and this self-hatred makes things worse.


3. Don't take failure personally: Related to tip 2, don't over-generalize your failures and conclude that there's something wrong with you or you are less competent than others. Some examples of over-generalizations: Someone turning you down for a date doesn't mean you are ugly or lack social skills. You not getting the job you want doesn't mean that you are incompetent. Failing a test doesn't mean you are stupid.


4. Don't analyze when you are down: We are more likely to misinterpret and make erroneous conclusions when we are mentally and emotionally exhausted. And it's natural to feel sad, anxious, irritated, angry etc. when we fail at something. Think of it as emotional exhaustion - similar to the physical exhaustion one feels after a work out. Just as you need to rest your body after a physical activity, you need to rest and rejuvenate your mind too.


5. Talk about your feelings: Express your feelings out loud to a trusted friend or family member rather than brooding on them alone. Tell them to be supportive, humorous and give you a good time first, and advices later.

Related » Make your Own Luck
» 10 Ways to Cope with Stress
» Secrets of Success
» How to Quit

“If everyone is thinking alike, then somebody isn’t thinking."
- George Patton

Seek other people’s opinion before embarking on something. One of the biggest mistakes people make is to try to plan and do things alone. You can save a lot of time, energy and money by seeking advice from other people.

So, what's the best way to do this? Here's one brainstorming strategy that can be quite effective if you are at an 'idea stage'.

First, it helps to understand that a person can be an optimist, realist, or a pessimist depending on his mood. The optimist (or the 'idea builder') loves to work with ideas, to dream and build upon them. The pessimist (or the 'gloomy Gus') on the other hand will tend to find faults and predict depressing forecasts. The realists will be a mixture of the above two, with practicality.

So what happens when you throw around your ideas to people? Well, one those 'personas' will kick into action - The 'optimist' might share your enthusiasm and offer more great ideas. The 'pessimist' will focus on all the way your ideas will fail or won't work. The 'realist' will offer you a plan of action of how to implement the ideas, and also point to the potential pitfalls.

All this different advice and opinions might bog you down if you don’t find a productive way to 'process' this feedback. One way of going about this is to:

1. First go to the optimist(s) to build upon your idea.
2. Than go to the pessimist(s) to find faults in these idea.
3. Next - Work on again with the optimist(s) to 'rectify' the faults found by the pessimist(s).
4. Repeat Step 2 again if you feel the need. Else start working on a plan of action with the realist(s).
5. Let the pessimist(s) find holes in the plan of action.
6. Work with the realist(s) and the optimist(s) to better the plan in case holes are found.
7. Repeat the process again if necessary.

I am sure you get the idea.

It also helps to remember that, while it is a good idea to seek advice from the people who are experts in their respective fields, don't immediately dismiss the layman's opinion. The lay person can sometimes offer you a very different perspective.

"Early to bed and early to rise -- till you get enough money to do otherwise." - Peter's Almanac

Money management or personal finance budgeting should be a very important element of everyone's lifestyle. But unfortunately because of ignorance or laziness many are not serious about it. The key to mastering your finances is simple - become a wise spender, and personal finance budgeting helps you precisely with this. To plan your budget:

1. First calculate your total monthly income from all sources.
2. Figure out your major expenses for the month and then categorize them.
3. At the start of the month estimate and write down the monthly expenses for each item.
4. Note down your daily expenses in a sheet.
5. At the end of the month, calculate your total expense for each item.
6. Now you can easily find out, on which item your expenses are up to your budget or on which it has crossed your initial estimate. This will help you to cut down expenses for each item to keep your finance within your budget.

Remember, the whole idea behind this exercise is to make you a think before you spend - the less you spend, the more you have. Some things to keep in mind about your budgeting:

1. Be realistic - Budgeting is not a miracle that'll suddenly solve your money problems or suddenly reveal some hidden amount of money. It works by creating awareness about your current financial status (debts, savings, investment, emergency funds etc) and your spending patterns. This awareness gives you a better insight to make informed choices during any financial transaction, giving you more control over your finances and increasing your confidence.


2. Invest time - Once you start budgeting, you slowly realize the truth of the old adage of 'Time is Money'. Time is the most important element for money management. The more time you are prepared to invest in your money matters, the greater return you can expect from it; e.g. spending at least 10 minutes a day noting down your daily expenses.


3. Clear bad debts - Try to draw a line between your good debt and your bad debt. A "bad" debt can be too many credit cards or loans with high interest rate. A "good" debt may be a student or business loan or mortgages because these can also be considered as long term investment. It’s always advisable to pay off your existing debts, like outstanding amount in credit cards or any loans which carry a high interest, before setting aside cash for savings. This is very important to remember - bad debts eat into your daily expenditure and savings and can totally disrupt your saving plans. Hence, tackle any bad debts head on.


4. Place your daily needs above your wants – It's very important that we understand the difference between our wants and our needs. For example, eating is a need, but dining out in an expensive restaurant is a 'want'. If you see that you are spending excessive money on your 'wants', then either cut back on them or think of some alternative which costs less.


5. Categorize your spending – Try and categorize your spending plans: e.g. broadly - like debt, daily expenses and savings; and more specifically - like household expenses, travel expenses, mortgage and car payments etc. Then keep aside some amount for each category and try to meet the expenses in that category with it.


6. Create a savings plan – You need two kinds of saving plans - one for long term (like a retirement plan), and another for emergencies (loss of income, major illness, house repairs etc.). To save, obviously you need money in hand. And the easiest way for that is spending less than what you earn. Also note that a saving plan is most effective when you ideally have no debts, or at least no "bad" debt.

Why do we feel the way we do? While Cognitive Therapy - 1 explained how our perceptions and thoughts are largely responsible for our moods and actions, it helps to be aware that all our emotions have a common thought pattern or cognitive model or theme. Learning to recognize our personal thought patterns that trigger our emotions is necessary to break out of a bad mood:

1. Anxiety, worry, fear, nervousness or panic occur when we believe we are in danger and or perceive something bad is about to happen - "What if she laughs at me?", "What if this lump is a sign of cancer?"


2. Anger, irritation or resentment is felt when we think that someone is treating us unfairly or trying to take advantage of us in someway.


3. Frustration results from unfulfilled expectation. We insist things should be different - either with our own performance ("I should have been more careful"), someone else ("Why can't he wash the dishes immediately") or an event ("Why does it only rain when I don't have an umbrella?").


4. Sadness results from thoughts of some loss - we believe we have lost something important and dear to us - failure to achieve some goal, romantic rejection etc.


5. Guilt or shame: Guilt results from thoughts of self-condemnation ("I did a bad thing", "I should have helped" etc). Shame involves the fear that somebody might find out about what you did and look down upon you.


6. Inferiority or inadequacy genrally result when we compare ourselves and think that we are not as good in comparison with others. "He's smart and rich. I'm just average. There's nothing special about me."


7. Loneliness is felt when we tell ourself that we are bound to feel unhappy because we are alone and aren't getting enough love and attention from others.


8. Hopelessness or discouragement occurs when we convince ourselves that our problems will go on forever and things will never improve. "I'll never find a good job" or "I'll always be alone".

One of the greatest misconception about cognitive therapy is that you should continuously analyze your moods and try to feel happy all the time.

There will be m