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Wee, sleekit, cowrin', tim'rous beastie, "We live together, we act on, and react to, one another; but always and in all circumstances we are by ourselves. The martyrs go hand in hand into the arena; they are crucified alone. Embraced, the lovers desperately try to fuse their insulated ecstasies into a single self-transcendence; in vain. By its very nature every embodied spirit is doomed to suffer and enjoy in solitude. Sensations, feelings, insights, fancies - all these are private and, except through symbols and at second hand, incommunicable. We can pool information about experiences, but never the experiences themselves. From family to nation, every human group is a society of island universes. Most island universes are sufficiently like one another to Permit of inferential understanding or even of mutual empathy or "feeling into." Thus, remembering our own bereavements and humiliations, we can condole with others in analogous circumstances, can put ourselves (always, of course, in a slightly Pickwickian sense) in their places. But in certain cases communication between universes is incomplete or even nonexistent. The mind is its own place, and the Places inhabited by the insane and the exceptionally gifted are so different from the places where ordinary men and women live, that there is little or no common ground of memory to serve as a basis for understanding or fellow feeling. Words are uttered, but fail to enlighten. The things and events to which the symbols refer belong to mutually exclusive realms of experience." -Aldous Huxley, 1954, "Doors of Perception"
And I'd give up forever to touch you
Cause I know that you feel me somehow You're the closest thing to heaven that I'll ever be And I don't want to go home right now And all I can taste is this moment And all I can breathe is your life Cause sooner or later it's over I just don't want to miss you tonight And I don't want the world to see me Cause I don't think that they'd understand When everything's made to be broken I just want you to know who I am And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming Or the moment of truth in your lies When everything seems like the movies Yeah you bleed just to know your alive And I don't want the world to see me Cause I don't think that they'd understand When everything's made to be broken I just want you to know who I am I don't want the world to see me Cause I don't think that they'd understand When everything's made to be broken I just want you to know who I am I just want you to know who I am I just want you to know who I am I just want you to know who I am I just want you to know who I am Do you sometimes wake up and wonder how you got here?
I hate memories. I hate the fact that every time I recall that something or someone my memory gets rewritten and become more persistent. I hate the mistakes I have made and the stupid things I have said or done. I hate the recollection of such missteps even more.
I want to pick up the pieces and move on but my memory haunts unrelentingly. I wish to forgo the useless tidbits of history but they would not let me leave. Is that something that could free me from memory’s siege? (Note: Broke two things today – one cup (dropped it) and one ceramic soap holder fixture (with my head coming up from picking up the soap). Ate too much chicken. Slept poorly. Unproductive.) They were not meant to be married
I was not supposed to be born It is all the fault of history And I am out to right this wrong. I prayed for a miracle...
...and all I got was psychosis. Mood is not dependent on circumstantial factors.
You can still feel crap while living in a perfect world (as per myself). Or you can feel great living in a crap world (as per Gilbert's "Synthetic Happiness.") Which one are you? I woke up today with an optimistic mood which has now sunk to deep depression. I am actually suicidial currently - but I am not crying for help - and I probably won't do anything drastic. I feel like cutting myself, what what would the point of that be? Not seeing my psychiatrist till this Friday.
I have a suspicion that this depression is sleep-induced, which in turn is Zyprexa-induced. I'm halving my Zyprexa dosage (from 10mg to 5mg nightly) to see if it could make me sleep less and thence lift my moods a little. It's a silly thing to fuck with your meds especially when you're unstable, I know - but what else can I do? I have been smoke-free for a few weeks now - I lost count how many. The Zyban/Wellbutrin is really helping but after this week I'll be tapering off it and will hopefully stay smoke-free. I could start again tonight, but it's so easy to start and so hard to quit. I am not whining - I am merely recording. I know this will pass and things would eventually get better (because probably getting worse eventually, too). This does not make my current pain less real. But I seem to realise something as well - perhaps I need to effect some changes to my circumstances. I am having my study break and my exams are up in two weeks, on two consecutive days. I have been trying to study; and I feel guilty when I break. There are many other things I would do if not for the exams, but because of the upcoming exams I feel like I should be postponing them. The result is an intense, agitated boredom - when you've had enough studying done for the day, and while permitted or motivated to do anything else.
There is nothing I can do now, and I believe any effect of my current revision on my exams will be miniscule. I am, however, looking forward to a great week ahead, although there is every indication that it would only end in disappointment. I will wake up tomorrow, and I would have nothing to do but to study. I am not sure if this would be a blessing or a curse. It hath been a long day. Today is the first birthday of this blog.
This blog served as a document of my life in the past year - and a lot has happened in the past year. As always, it had been a tremendously difficult year, but coming out on this end I am a lot better. I hope the upcoming year will be a even better one. Babies don't sleep this well...
Let it be noted.
I am worried. I am worried about being worried and worried about going crazy. I have been losing sleep. Took 30mg Zolipdem last night and woke up with an empty tub of ice cream on my desk - me having no memory of eating it, nor would I normally eat so much in one sitting.
I am feeling stuck. I feel that until after my exams, I am not supposed to live life or to think about things at all. I feel that nothing should be going on until after my exams. When did all this begin? I am so worried. The more I think about it the more intense it becomes. I am trying not to run away from the feeling but to acknowledge its pressence, and to just let it me. I am now drinking a beer and I will pop an Ambien when I finish. I'm not sure if it would be sufficient to get me to sleep, but I absolutely have to get up early tomorrow. I hope I won't feel too crappy tomorrow to get through the day. 1. Starting a new relationship
2. Ending a current relationship 3. Moving to a new country/city 4. New car 5. New apartment 6. Smoking/quitting smoking 7. Alcohol What might work 1. Going out and seeing people 2. Medication 3. A holiday 4. Swimming (short term) I don't want to sleep. I want to stay awake to experience my condition to the full - I want to reacquaint with the things to which I have became blase. Sometimes I think of doing some one thing that will change everything. I want to enter the state in which I am completely content - I am yearning to fix things - to unmake my past mistakes.
No one promised that things will get better. ![]() ![]() ![]() Feeling stressed an alienated lately, and am not getting any work done. It's times like these when I head down to Canberra for an escapist weekend - and often I would come back feeling a lot better. Canberra's food scene is so much more interesting than Sydney. Or perhaps it's just because I'm more ready to splurge on food when I'm on holidays down there. All up 8-hours in the car, $50 in fuel, and $80 for three meals. Had a good time, and thought some things through. Reached no conclusions, though.In hindsight, many of the bigger decisions I've made were based on the unjustified belief that good (or better) things would happen to me in the future. In a way, this is no different from the religious fanatic believing in divine providence.
I think I need to accept that better things would not be happening. This is as good as it gets and this is my life slipping by. I need to put away my misguided expectations that someday everything would just fall into place. If things were to happen, they would have happened a long time ago. If things were to fall into place, they would have fallen into place a long time ago. This is all there is to it. I need to learn to take time off and relax. I need to have some quiet time with which to enjoy myself and not worry about things. I feel guilty about relaxing. I feel guilty about taking time off when there would still be work undone - but my work could never be completed. Effectively I go for a long time without breaks. This is not the first time I committed to set aside reflective time - I have done it in the past and had previously even tried to include a daily ritual of quiet time - that didn't last one week. It's like everytime before exams you would promise yourself to work harder next session, yet when the next session comes you forget all the stress and slack off again. I am not slack. I think I am just too harsh on myself to the extent that I am immobilised and unable to work. Also, for some unknown reason, I find going to class to be very difficult. It used to be a bad case of social anxiety - but now that the anxiety is manageable and I still do not want to show up to class - I could have gone as far as the front door of the class and decide to turn back and drive home. Perhaps I just hate having to sit there for two or three hours, trapped. Or perhaps I've just screwed up so many times that I've been conditioned to not-go to class. How do you break from previous conditioning? In a way, this also relates to my work. I find it almost painful to just sit down and work. Maybe it's because so many of my previous assignments had been done on or after the deadline that the whole notion of "working" invokes intense feelings of distress. I need to break from this also. Once again, I need to remind myself the need to pause and reflect. The negative feelings are always going to be there - something will always be broken in my life. This is as good as it is going to get and nothing better is going to happen - ever. At least I have no legitimate to believe anything better would happen. I am also worried that I might be going crazy again. October is my crazy month. I am at a stage when 20mg of Zolpidem would not make me sleep. I am at a stage when I had to dose myself twice with a major tranquiliser just to calm down and not freak out. I am worried about this, amongst many other things. I am trying to acknowledge the existence of these feelings, and just let them me - the more I try to run away the more noticeable these problems will become. October last year was my crazy month. But I also recall a period last year when I was really into the moment. It is times like those that my writing becomes most prolific. At least this year my life has been more routine, consistent, and ritualised. Apart from that I am not entirely sure if things are better now. In a way, they must be because I have two excellent doctors to call upon. But I am still at exactly the same place I was last year - despite a change in address and in living arrangements and in vehicles. Perhaps this is why I am so worried and concerned about screwing up again this time round - if that happens, I would have to relive the past two years again. I need to write more - but the more I try to write the more difficult it gets. It is like the more I try to rest that the more agitated I become. I need to remain in control. I need to remain in control of my sleep and my wake and my finances. There are some things in my life which are going against plans - they are trivial things - but nonetheless they still irritate me. I see repeating patterns in my life - and that worries me. I hope I can sleep well tonight. Give me a few more insomniac nights of shit sleep, and I will be asking my doctor for something else for sleep. It is when I lie in bed at night waiting on sleep that I am most awake.
Homework is capitalistic concept. Homework alienates the individual and reduces him to nothing more than a homework-doing being. The concept of “homework” presupposes the separation between “schoolwork” and “homework”, and thence between “home” and “school”.
Homework naturally leads onto “overtime” – the further exploitation of an individual away from his place of work. Overtime presupposes a distinction between work and home – between private, free time and work-time. Within the domain of work the individual is stripped of his humanness. But the world is the human world... |
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