TAZ Forum :: A Computer, Gaming, and Social Network Community of Friends :: View topic - The Official Joke Thread:

"Thought for the day!

In the beginning God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower, spinach, and green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Cr�me Donuts. And Satan said 'You want chocolate with that?' and Man said 'Yes!' and Woman said, 'and while you're at it add some sprinkles.'

And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.

And God created the healthful yoghurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.

So God said 'Try my fresh green salad.' And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said 'I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them.' And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken and fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it 'Angel Cake' and said 'It is good.' Satan then created chocolate cake and named it 'Devil's Food'.

God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its �1 double cheeseburger. Then said 'You want fries with that?' and Man replied 'Yes!

And super size them!' And Satan said 'It is good.' And Man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

Then Satan created the National Health Service.

Thought for the day

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040 there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them....
_________________"

originally posted by Shippwreck

Top Ten Habits of Highly Effective Flamethrowers

Rule 10: Never forget that the person reading your mail is a person, with feelings that can be hurt. If you see the opportunity, hurt them.

Rule 9: Behave online as you do in real life. This way, you can act like a total jerk under all circumstances.

Rule 8: Lurk until you get a feel for what's acceptable in a particular forum or newsgroup. Then leap in and do the opposite.

Rule 7: Be aware of others' time and bandwidth. Never post anything shorter than seven paragraphs. Ensure your sig is at least a screen long.

Rule 6: Make yourself look good online always post your abuse in complete, grammatically correct sentences.

Rule 5: Share expert knowledge. If you know how to push someone's buttons in a forum, send private email to everyone else telling them.

Rule 4: Help keep flame wars under control: lead the charge.

Rule 3: Respect other people's privacy...if you have some dirt about a member of a newsgroup, spread it only via private email.

Rule 2: Don't abuse your power. Flame only those who disagree with you.

Rule 1: Remember: You were a network newbie once, too. You deserved all the flaming you got then. The current batch deserves no less.

TAZ Forum :: A Computer, Gaming, and Social Network Community of Friends :: View topic - The Official Joke Thread

posted by .:front2back:.

Hmm the post time is showing the 20th sad to say that has long since passed.. real time (sorry to the Kiwi's) 16:32 on the 21th of January. hmm what is the time on this blog West coast USA or Hawaii?

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so,two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are dose? Asks the attendant. "They're called tees" replies Tiger. "Well, what on god's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger. "Fookin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "BMW tinks of everyting!"

GOD LOVES BLONDES TOO

A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone
bust and she's in dire financial straits.
She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help.
She begins to pray..."God, please help me. I've lost my business
and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well.
Please let me win the lotto."
Lotto night comes, and somebody else wins it.
She again prays... "God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost
my business, my house, and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lotto night comes and she still has no luck.
Once again, she prays.
"My God, why have You forsaken me? I've lost my business,
my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often
ask You for help, and I have always been a good servant to You.
PLEASE let me win the lotto just this one time so I can get my
life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open.
The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God Himself...
"Sweetheart, work with Me on this... Buy a ticket."

A priest, a rabbi, and a buddhist monk walk into a bar, sit at the end and start having some drinks. Two hours later, they come out with a better understanding of each other and a mutual respect, the beginnings of a friendship that last a lifetime.

-

Man 1: Knock, Knock
Man 2: Who's there?
Man 1: It's me Johnny.
Man 2: Oh, hey man! Come on in, and have a beer.

-

How many people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

If you call up Steven Murphy Electrical Contractors on (08) 9284 7281 they can send over a qualified electrician to screw it in for you between 9-6 on any working day, guaranteed to arrive within an hour of your call or you get 50% off!

-

A white man is driving his Cadillac on a highway in Texas. He notices a black man pushing his bicycle along the side of the road.

He pulls over to talk to the black man and offer him a ride. He says "I can't fit your bike in my car, but I can tie it to the back and let you ride behind me. If I'm going too fast, just yell."

The black man says "No thanks, that sounds pretty risky" and keeps pushing his bike down the road.

-

"A man walks into a whorehouse and pays a prostitute for sex. He contracts an STD and passes it onto his pregnant wife. Their child is born deformed and has a difficult life. When asked if he could see the humor in the situation, the child replied 'No. No I don't.'"

-

What do you get when you're gay?

Made fun of.

-

How do you drown a blonde?
Hold her head underwater until she can no longer breathe and stops struggling.

Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory?
Repeated absences and stealing.

-

A man spends his first day in prison talking to his cell mate. His cell mate gives him a few tips on surviving maximum security in his first weeks there, and then pauses to look outside the bars of the cell.

"I got an escape plan", says the man's cell mate.

"What is it?"

"Put this blanket over your head, and I'll tell you what to do when the guard comes back."

The man puts the blanket over his head, and his cell mate begins to rape him. Savagely.

-

A horse walks into a bar, and the barman says "Why the long face?". The horse replies:

"I'm deeply troubled by the anthropomorphic aspects of my existance and the extent to which I am now protected by law."

-

A man walks into a bar.

He is an alcoholic whose drinking problem is destroying his family.

-

What's worse then finding a worm in your apple?

The Holocaust.

-

Why was six afraid of seven?

It wasn't. Numbers are not sentient and thus incapable of feeling fear.

-

What's sad about 4 black people in a Cadilliac going over a cliff?

They were my friends.

-

Why couldn't Helen Keller drive?

Because she was blind and deaf.

-

Have you seen Stevie Wonder's new house?

No.

Well, it's really nice.

-

A kid is riding down the street when his chain pops off his bicycle. The kid yells "God damm!" as he begins to fix it. A priest walking nearby overhears the boy taking god's name in vein and says "Don't say 'God damm' say 'God help us'".

The kid says, "I am an atheist, get away from me".

-

What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza?

A Jew is a person adhering to the Jewish faith and a pizza is an oven-baked, flat, usually circular bread covered with tomato sauce and cheese with optional garnishes.

-

What do you get when you turn 3 blondes upside-down?
An embarrassing situation

Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach?
She was a schizophrenic

How do you confuse a blonde?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her

-

"Why aren't there any Mexicans on Star Trek?"

"Well, that's a highly debatable assumption. First, one only sees a small fraction of the Terran population on the show, so there is no reason to assume that any ethnic group is unrepresented in that vision of the future. Secondly, there have been several notable characters played by actors of Hispanic descent. Recently, these include Robert Beltran (Chakotay) and Roxann Dawson (B'Elanna Torres). Interestingly enough, Dawson seems to have changed her last name from Caballero, perhaps in order to reduce the risk of being typecast because of her ethnicity. Star Trek in general seems to be very progressive with respect to using diverse casts, as evidenced by the first interracial kiss on The Original Series, and the introduction of Chekov during the height of the Cold War."

-

Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella around?

In case it should rain.

-

A blonde girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter. "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress." she says.

"Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear.

"I said 'I'LL BE BACK TOMORROW AFTERNOON TO PICK UP MY DRESS'," says the girl, this time louder.

-

A man walks past a bar and sees a sign which says "PERFORM THE THREE FEATS AND WIN A MILLION DOLLARS!" Thinking that a million dollars sounds like a great idea, he goes inside and asks the bartender what the deal is.

"First," says the bartender, "you have to chug this entire bottle of vodka. Second, there's a crocodile in the back room with a bad tooth. You have to pull it. Third, there's an eighty-five year old woman in the back who's never had sex. You have to have sex with her."

The guy think it over and says "okay, sure. You have a deal!" He grabs the bottle of vodka and, with little effort due to the fact that he's basically a professional alcoholic anyway, downs it. Then he slams the empty bottle down and goes into the back room. There's a lot of screaming, some growling, and various crashing sounds. Finally a silence falls upon the bar. Minutes pass, then an hour. Finally the bartender sends a barmaid back to see what's going on. A few minutes later, she comes back out.

"What's he doing?" asks the bartender.

"What's left of him is back there in the croc pen," she says, her horrified face pale with shock. "His clothes are tossed in the corner. I think he tried to fuck the croc. The croc...the croc ate him."

"Oh, Jesus," whispers the bartender. "Jesus."

-

What do you call 5 mexicans in quicksand?
A dangerous situation that could soon turn tragic.

-

Four blondes are driving to Disneyworld. They finally get to Florida and they see a sign that says "Disneyworld: left" so they take the left and have a wonderful time at what many people believe to be the most magical place on Earth.

-

How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?

Do something really nice for her, like buy her the piece of jewelry she looks at every time you go into the mall, or bake her a cake. If you have the time and effort, make her something. People appreciate thought and effort in a present more than money.

-

There once was a man from Nantucket. He owned a sailboat. I haven't seen him in years.

-

As their plane spirals towards the ground, a young man asks the pretty girl next to him if she would have sex with him, as he does not want to die a virgin. Surprised by this request, she declines, stating that in addition to the sheer inappropriateness of the idea, the mechanics of copulating in a crashing aircraft seem very difficult if not impossible. He agrees and admits that he was only trying to lighten the mood. However, she was busy putting on her oxygen mask and didn't hear this last bit. They both spend the last moments of their lives in anxious reflection.

sorry for the interruption...

The TAZForum is now open!

Please see the link on the bottom of this page.

or...

just go here...http://tazforum.tntboards.com

A little paper bag was feeling unwell, so he took himself off to the doctors. "Doctor, I don't feel too good," said the little paper bag.

"Hmm, you look OK to me," said the Doctor, "but I'll do a blood test and see what that shows, come back and see me in a couple of days."

The little paper bag felt no better when he got back for the results.

"What's wrong with me?" asked the little paper bag. "I'm afraid you are HIV positive!" said the doctor.

"No, I can't be I'm just a little paper bag!" said the little paper bag.

"Have you been having unprotected sex?" asked the doctor.

"NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!"

"Well have you been sharing needles with other intravenous drug users?" asked the doctor.

"NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!"

"Perhaps you've been abroad recently and required a jab or a blood transfusion?" queried the doctor.

"NO, I don't have a passport - I'm just a little paper bag!"

"Well", said the doctor, "are you in a homosexual relationship?"

"NO! I told you I can't do things like that, I'm just little paper bag!"

"Then there can be only one explanation." said the doctor.
"Your mother must have been a carrier."

Name That Christmas Tune
by Unknown

The following Christmas carols were written by government officials.
Can you guess the original titles?

1. Move Hither The Entire Assembly Of Those Who Are Loyal In Their Belief
2. Embellish Interior Passageways
3. Vertically Challenged Adolescent Percussionist
4. First Person Singular Experiencing An Hallucinatory Phenomenon Of A Natal Celebration Devoid Of Color
5. Soundless Nocturnal Period
6. Majestic Triplet Referred To In The First Person Plural
7. The Yuletide Occurance Preceding All Others
8. Precious Metal Musical Devices
9. Omnipotent Supreme Being Elicit Respite To Ecstatic Distinguished Males
10. Caribou With Vermillion Olfactory Appendage
11. Allow Crystalline Formations To Descend
12. Jovial Yuletide Desired For The Second Person Singular Or Plural By The First Person Plural
13. Commence Auditory Reception The Announcing Cherubs Vocalize
14. Kris Kringle Will Be Arriving In The City In The Not Too Distant Future
15. Bipedal Traveling Through An Amazing Acreage During The Period Between December 21st And March 21st In The Northern Hemisphere
16. Its Arrival Occurred At Twelve O'Clock During A Clement Nocturnal Period
17. Exclamatory Remark Concerning A Diminutive Municipality In Judea Southwest Of Jerusalem

Answers: 1. O Come All Ye Faithful,
2. Deck The Halls,
3. The Little Drummer Boy,
4. I'm Dreaming Of A White Christmas,
5. Silent Night,
6. We Three Kings,
7. The First Noel,
8. Silver Bells,
9. God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen,
10. Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer,
11. Let It Snow,
12. We Wish You A Merry Christmas,
13. Hark! The Herald Angels Sing,
14. Santa Claus Is comming To Town,
15. Walking In A Winter Wonderland,
16. It Came Upon A Midnight Clear,
17. O Little Town Of Bethlehem

http://www.kneedragger.net/lights (Video. Not exactly a joke, but VERY cool.) Enjoy. :-)

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me... I have a killer jigsaw puzzle and I can't figure out how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then turns to her and says,
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to
assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He held her hand softly, led her to a chair and said, "Secondly, I'd
advise you to relax.

Let's have a cup of coffee, and then.... " he
sighed, ".....

let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."



unknown

re·cur·sion (rĭ-kûr'zhən)
N.
See "Recursion"


Heeheehehee :D

Fair Ladies and Noble Gentlemen:

I, RaPUNzel, have a HAIR-raising tale to SHEAR with you
written by the Brothers TRIMM.

When I was a young CURL, a jealous queen LOCKed me in a
tower.

I was STRANDed and was at my SPLITS END -- truly a damsel in
THESE TRESSES!

The queen thought it was a PERMANENT SOLUTION but, day after
day, knight after knight would try to climb the tower, which
was so tall the FOLLICLE you!

They would climb my BRAID, and if they weren't so handsome,
I would give them the BRUSH off.

Gee, I wonder if that's where I got my reputation for being
such a big TEASE.

One day, a handsome knight named Prince LATHERRINSE tried to
rescue me.

He was HEAD & SHOULDERS above the rest.

I said, "COMB and SHAVE me!"

The queen found out about it and cut off my hair.

And let me tell you, Hell hath no fury as a woman SHORNED!

She'll have Hell TOUPEE because I am not someone to TANGLE
with.

Prince Latherrinse WISPed me away and we got married and had
twins.

But, we didn't live happily ever after because he placed too
many CONDITIONERS on our marriage, which were really
CRIMPING my STYLE.

So, we PARTED ways and a custody battle ensued.

It came down to SPLITTING HAIRS (heirs) so he took one twin
and I took the other.

So, now I don't date princes anymore because I don't want a
LATHER RINSE REPEAT... (read the shampoo label).

And I've gotten back to my ROOTS by changing my hair from
BLONDE to brown and this new color is to DYE for.

After all, BRUNETTES have more pun.

Well, that's the LONG AND SHORT of my HAIRY tale.

I bid you all ADO!

A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a
scapegoat.



Our struggle today is not to have a female Einstein get
appointed as an assistant professor. It is for a woman
schlemiel to get as quickly promoted as a male schlemiel.
---Bella Abzug, US Politician



A young couple were on their honeymoon. The husband was sitting
in the bathroom saying to himself, "How can I tell my wife that
I've got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink?
I've managed to keep it from her while we dated, but she's
bound to find out sooner or later."

Meanwhile, the wife was sitting in the bed saying to herself,
"How do I tell my husband that I've got really bad breath? I've
been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting,
but as soon as he's lived with me for a week, he's bound to
find out."

The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife
and so he walks into the bedroom. He walks over to the bed,
puts his arm around her neck, moves his face very close to
hers and says, "Darling, I've a confession to make."

And she says, "So have I, love."

To which he replies, "Don't tell me, you've eaten my socks."

Driving to the office this morning on the Interstate, I looked over to
my left and there was a woman in a brand new Mustang doing 65 miles per
hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner! I
looked away for a couple seconds and I looked back she was halfway over
in my lane, still working on that makeup!!!!

It scared me (I'm a man) so bad, I dropped my electric shaver, which
knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying
to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it
knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between
my legs, splashed and burned BIG JIM AND THE TWINS, ruined the damn
phone and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL!!!!!!

Damn women drivers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Heehee...that's great! :D

A guy, his Wife and his Mother-in-Law go for a trip to the Holy Land. The Mother-In-Law dies over there.

The Undertaker says: You can have her shipped home for $5000 or have her buried here in the Holy Land for only $150.

The guy replies: We'll send her home.

The Undertaker then asks why.

The man replies: 2000 years ago a guy died and they buried him here, and 3 days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance.

Which of these applied to me...
-My Garage is so full of recycled PC's and Parts that the Car regularly has to sit in the weather. -I had an Apple MAC that I refered to as Black Betty (ok but it is close to Bessy)
-I use CD Roms as drink coasters, and have rested a XXXX or 2 on a CD or 5.
-I regularly manufacture Jewellery for my self and familly from dead HDD's and FDD'd, heck I even have a dead 486 mobo hanging on the wall as a piece of art like a painting.
-Many a time my wife had to disconnect the power, just so I could hear the "Me or the Computers" comment.
-I have a Compaq work shirt, a Sharp, Panasonic, Toshiba Cap, I had a IBM, Digital and a HP cap.
-My desktop has from time to time displayed images of machinery from work sites I was active at. the images in the wallpaper folder include some of my fathers farm animals (grew up on a farm-don live there no more)
-The net value (depreciated) of the PC equipment, is just a bit more that the value (replacement) of the family car.
-I had a bumper sticker that said.."My other Car has a Pentium 3", and "32Mb of RAM Qualify's for disabled Parking"
-I had a van that when I sold it, the wrecker offered my 3 times as much if I left the Phone in the vehicle.

awe shucks, I only realy qualify on 3 counts..

See ya all nex time

Hi mg,

I'll delete and move this once you post the rest...so they stay in a group...or you can just edit that post and add them on...whichever works best for you...

You gotta be Canadian to understand this one...

A newfie calls 911. "Hello, is this the RCMP?" "Yes. What do you want?" "I'm calling to report about my neighbor, Mike Fitzpatrick! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood." "Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the RCMP officers descended on Mike's house. They searched the shed where the firewood was kept. Using axes, they busted open every piece of wood but found no marijuana. They swore at Mike and left.

The next day the phone rang at Mike's house. "Hey, Mike! Did the RCMP come to your house?" "Yeah!" "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yep." "Merry Christmas Buddy".

I have more...but the blog won't take them right now...I'll try to get them up later.