They had cut down a Christmas tree in the forest next to the castle. The tree had been brought in like a trussed turkey and then it was placed in a large terracotta vase and placed in the hallway.

The Press Secretary had refused to decorate it as it was not in his job description. The Queen was in a strop that morning for other resaons, though. Meanwhile the tree remained in its natural state and really the Press Secretary thought that it was better like that. These baubles, the kitsch decorations and twinkling lights made it look like a gaudy clown.


The Press Secretary dreaded Christmas too and the the Royal couple were torn between nostaligia for Christmas broadcasts and having the enlarged family around them as they gorged on pheasant and other unfortunate birds who had had the misfortune to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. Shooting parties indeed!

The Press Secretary picked up a copy of the underground paper 'The Royals Who Stayed'. It was a daring publication and the editors and staff risked imprisonment if they were caught. It now had a readership of 45,000 readers or so.

The Queen went into a BBB (Blame Bolshie Blair) when she saw the headlines. None of the NERD press had dared carry those headlines but the police had been to No.10 and had interviewed 'Call me Tony' in a delicate enquiry relating to allegations that certain honours (like knighthoods) had been sold in return for large sums which had gone into his party coffers.

"That is disgusting!" the Queen exploded. "How dare he sell MY honours!"

"Nothing has been proved yet - in any case it will all be shoved under the carpet - no NERD paper would even dare mention that story!" the Press Secretary laughed bitterly.

For more info , visit the site www.queeninitaly.com

"Now" the Queen said, "we do need to set the right tone in describing the property".

The Press Secretary suppressed a yawn (successfully) and tore himself away from the Daily Mail with its Middle England preoccupations- Santa Claus (because he had a big fat stomach) was not to be emulated, health experts warned and actresses who had been at the Botox again.

"Of course - now, do we want to describe the delightful setting?" he asked "Look at what I found on the Internet - just to give you an idea " he laughed

'The property is nestled in a very big forest and it's filled with hundreds of olive"

The Queen smiled "Can't see the house for all the olives?"

"Sounds spooky" said the Prince Consort who had just skated in on his Heelys.

"There are some trees but we want to give the impression of light,shade and absolute silence" said the Queen


"How about this, the Press Secretary giggled 'there are numerous romantic nooks where one can relax or paint or write also in the olive groove"

"Grove, surely?" said the Queen

"Just a typo but I am afraid these Italian owners have not had the English checked by a native speaker"

"And they go on.... ' there are also some corner with a stone table ........ look is understated and stylish ... the residence is a light and charming traditional stone house in a cheerful high position".

They burst out laughing "Nothing like a cheerful highposition" PC guffawed.

'This is the best one I have found ... listen ... 'There is a big laundry to use to the guests with washing machine and dryer!"

"So, if you arrive all sweaty you will get a thorough wash 'n dry before being given the keys to the property! the Queen laughed.

"My favourite one though is the ad for a Rome hotel which states that it is in a 'Suggestive Palace of 1640'!
More info is on the site :- www.queeninitaly.com

Another difficult morning ahead. The Press Secretary wondered why he had not taken early retirement. The papers were full of the Queen's accent ! They were saying that in spite of her accent having changed over 50 years which had brought her closer to her people, the monarchy was still an anachronism and the results of the referendum were perfectly in keeping with the mood of the country! Given that the referendum had split the country in half, the Queen would be extremely cross if she read this.

According to The Journal of Phonetics, the Queen's accent had gradually changed over the years and the phonetician had listened to every Queen's Christmas message since 1952!
How boring, the Press Secretary thought. He quickly put these unloyal thoughts from his mind as he read the report.

It was the vowels that had done it. 'Thet men in the bleck het' in 1952 had now become 'That man in the black hat' in 2006.
Thank goodness, the Press Secretary thought. Now people were opening their mouths wider and experimenting with a wider range of vowels much to the relief of foreign students visiting NERD.

"Thet men in the bleck het" he said aloud just as the Queen came into the study.

"Have we got a visitor?" the Queen asked brightly.

"No, no, just musing aloud" he replied quickly. He folded the paper just in time as his eye caught another observation about the accents of the rest of the family which stated that Anne's accent was suburban, Edward had a tough of Cockney and the nieces and nephews spoke Estuary!

"You do know that the stables near the orchard are almost ready" he said breezily to distract her.

"Excellent"the Queen said

"We will put ads on our website and try to encouage paying guests to give them a break from NERD - only monarchists need apply" she laughed.

Visit the Queen's site for info on Italy www.queeninitaly.com

They were trying to decide what to get in for the weekend.
The Queen was writing the shopping list. She had decided that she would practise her Italian and the Press Secretary who was in a good mood, decided to ignore her spelling mistakes , just this once. One needed to encourage students after all and he knew this so very well as he had been an EFL teacher in another life.

She had written 'proshooto' instead of 'prosciutto', 'formadgio' instead of 'formaggio' and '6 uovi' for '6 uova'. She always had problems with 'ch' being pronounced as 'k' but here she was immovable and claimed that she was keeping up to date with the younger Italian generation who peppered their text messages with 'k's all over the place so much so that the letters 'ch' had practicaly disppeared from their language.

It was only as they were moving out towards the car when the Queen dropped the shopping list. She had taken two plastic bags (she was very ecologically minded and always recycled the shopping bags) and suddenly the list was on the ground at his feet but it was no ordinary piece of scrap paper this! As he picked it up the Press Secretary turned it over and
saw that it was an invitation to a gala dinner offered by Mr. B at the Palazzo Berluke in Rome for 2nd December after the glorious March on Rome !

"Oh, that invitation.... yes, I quite forgot... did not even reply" she said vaguely. "Does it say RSVP?" she asked distractedly.

"Yes, it does actually"

"Never mind, we are not really courting Mr. B any longer, are we -anyway I am sure he has enough to cope with, what with his dodgy knee and fainting fits".

The Press Secretary smiled and thought she might be finally weaned off Mr. B.

"Did I put milk on the list?"

"There 's something called 'late'.

"Yes, we are late....!"

"L A DOUBLE T E" the Queen said laughing." Latte - these double consonants will be the death of me".

Visit the site :- www.queeninitaly.com

"I know all about it - that Caravaggio was probably worth only half that estimate of $100 million!" the Queen said a little petulantly. She picked up the Daily Mail and noted with great pleasure that Cherie Blair (of Lady Macbeth fame) had had a go at journalists in general, accusing them of having no moral principles.

"Just sour grapes after the Cheriegate affair" she sniffed.

"And she never learnt to curtsy properly!" she said angrily.

Storm clouds were gathering so the Press Secretary placed a copy of the Italian paper 'Corriere Della Sera' in front of the Queen. She was quite alarmed to see Mr. B. being carried off the stage after he had fainted at a meeting on Sunday.

"Just overdoing it - you know he is a superman, claiming to be a mere 25 when he is only 70. But two to three hours sleep a night does take its toll".

"But all the super secret vitamins, potions, elixirs he has been taking?" the Queen asked.

"But he has had too many sour grapes after his defeat in the elections. Those probably tipped the balance", the Press Secretary laughed.

"It's so funny -look at this photo- you can see him being carried out feet first - even the soles and heels of the shoes are shown close up but not from a side view so no one knows whether he has raised heels. That mystery has tantalized the Italian nation for the last two decades!"

They all laughed and then decided the lunch menu. A light terrine with prosciutto and cheese filling with diced vegetables, followed by an omelette with mushrooms and shrimps. The Press Secretary promised to make them a lemon and lime curd souffle' for dessert.

Visit the Queen's site for more info on Italy www.queeninitaly.com

It was a minefield this morning! The Press Secretary groaned as he saw the headlines - full of the lost, forgotten Caravaggio, found in an old storeroom at Hampton Court, lovingly restored and about to be unveiled in Rome of all places!

The Queen would probably know by now that that painting was worth $100 million and although she could never have sold it when she was on the throne, the idea that it was going into the NERD coffers, would cause her blood pressure to rise at the very least and at worst she might have an apoplectic fit.

The headlines were awful in the tabloids :

'Carelessness Cost EX HRH A Cool Million'

'Treasure Trove in The Royal Attic'

'Haphazard Housekeeping Reaps Bitter Harvest'

Decision. There was no point in hiding the truth, but at least the Queen should be spared some of those vulgar headlines!

He quickly looked through the papers for some tempting titbits which might distract her attention. There were some quite attractive little numbers this morning:

Mr. B on trial with Mr. Mills in Milan for allegedly false testimony
as regards TV legal rights. That might get her going on a TAT (Tirade Against Tessa) - Mr. Mills's wife who had to leave her husband because of the shame or because she wanted to save her political skin?

Divorce rates spiking in Italy - about 3 in 10 marriages failing - mostly due to the mothers- in- law invading the wife's space.
Actually the Press Secretary felt a vague sympathy for the mothers as they were shamefully exploited as babysitters and general dogsbodies.

Tony Blair on another World Peace Mission - Peace ??
Maybe looking for another oil rich nation to invade?.

He folded the papers at the correct pages and waited uneasily for the Queen to enter.

Don't forget to vsiit the Queen's site on :- http://www.queeninitaly.com

"She's absolutely furious!"

"Who?"the Queen asked puzzled

"The Mayor of Bracciano, the town where TomKat tied the knot"
said the Press Secretary.

"Tomcat is a male cat" said PC with great emphasis.

"But that was not clarified in the Scientology wedding ceremony - 'perhaps a cat' - sex not specified" said the Queen.

"Anyway,why is the Mayor so upset?"

"First, she did not get an invite to the wedding and the Mayor of Rome did -so sour grapes there. Secondly , the town was besieged by paparazzi, traffic blocked and then TomKat did not even make an appearance or go on a walkabout- it could have really put Bracciano on the map and the residents might have got a little thrill- you know'Bracciano becomes a Hollywood Suburb'" said the Press Secretary.

"Instead, nobody appeared in the town - everybody arrived surrounded by bodyguards, portcullis up and all the town got to see were a few lousy fireworks and as it was a foggy evening, these were damp squibs. No flowers sent to the Mayor, no telegram of thanks" he continued. "And she was going to make them Honorary Citizens of Bracciano!"

"You know, I think the Mayor is right" the Queen said thoughtfully " They should have done a walkabout - I would have done - I have always respected my subjects- I mean people in general" she finished lamely.

The residents were pleased at least that when all the stars arrived, it was raining!"the Press Secretary laughed.

"At least Mrs Beckham's hat was useful - she was wearing what looked like a flying saucer !" sneered PC.

Visit the site :- www.queeninitaly.com

Tom Cruise's wedding seemed to be getting a lot of attention in the NERD press- much more than in the Italian papers.
The town of Bracciano was beseiged by paparazzi and one ex-English resident of the town had written to the Middle England Bible complaining that they would like their town back.... please Tom!

But some residents were cashing in on the event,even renting out their balconies with a view of the castle for a mere $1,000
for the day! Tom of course was in full control - he had put a million dollar gagging order on the catering staff so that no details of the wedding feast at one of the most famous restaurants in Rome would be revealed.

"But who cares what they are going to eat?" protested the Queen.

"Well, I suppose a waiter could get a nice tidy sum for revealing the menu to a journalist and steal Tom's thunder"
mused the Press Secretary. "But he didn't succeed in getting the airspace closed over Bracciano - the helicopter traffic is deafening", he laughed.

"The Scientology wedding ceremony is rather interesting- he promises or acknowledges that 'girls need clothes and food and tender happiness and frills, a pan,a comb and perhaps a cat!" exclaimed the Queen.

"And she promises or knows that 'young men are free and may forget their promises" chimed in the Press Secretary.

Prince Consort snorted "So, if Tom is unfaithful, she can beat him over the head with the pan, use the comb to get him out of her hair and console herself with the company of the cat!"

Find out more on Italian events and food on :- www.queeninitaly.com

They were looking at the news on the national network when
Romano Prodi appeared. He seemed to be suffering very badly from a bout of 'Jowltitis'- words lost in the ample jowls, incapacity of finishing sentences within a reasonable length of time. There was a long explanation about the Budget which was having a stormy passage through the Senate and the Lower House.

"Mr. B. has had a knee operation- he claims he was up on his feet, only 24 hours after the anesthetic and this beat many footballers who have had the same operation because they took four days!"

"Thats's normal, isn't it for man who claims he has a biological age of 35" the Queen said crossly.

"Let's decide the date for our trip to Rome"said the Queen , reaching for the espresso coffee pot and pouring herself her third coffee that morning.

"Any date except 2nd December"said the Press Secretary.

"And what is wrong with 2nd December?" she asked

"That is the big day fo MR. B's March on Rome' in protest against the Prodi government - there will be thousands and thousands of people there so the city will grind to a halt" said the Press Secretary.

"Wheelchair or crutches ?" teased the Queen smiling.

"I could give him my pair of Heelys" the Prince Consort said and they burst out laughing.

"Not a bad idea, actually- he might damage his other knee and might have to retire from politics!" said the Queen gleefully.

Mr. Prodi reappeared again on the News saying that the Italian people had gone mad and were not prepared to tighten their belts and think of the future of the country.

"Whatever the future, I really do think Mr. Prodi needs a complete restyling" the Queen said thoughfully.

Don't forget to visit the website for more details on what the Queen is up to:-

www.queeninitaly.com

They were watching Italian TV and practising their listening skills in Italian- a very good exercise, the Press Secreatry reassured them. He should have known as he had been a teacher of English in another life.

PC yawned and stretched his never ending legs and said

"I am going for a skate on my Heelys as it is a super day"

The trees were turning and autumn was well advanced but the temperatures were almost a balmy 19°.

"Now, do tell me"the Queen confided to the Press Secretary, once PC had gone .... "why do the Italian lady newsreaders always show such generous cleavages - I cannot remember seeing anything like that on the Beeb"

"Oh they are quite respectable compared to the two ladies on the Sunday afternoon show- their push ups and 'decollete' have been mentioned in the national press, even the staid Corriere della Sera" the Press Sercretary laughed.

"Even Mr. B's daughter had a go at them saying she would not allow her children to watch TV in the afternoon!", he continued.

There followed a desultory discussion on the merits of dressing down which was the in thing in the States and increasingly so in Italy.

It was just at that point that the generous breasted newsreader mentioned "Mucca Pazza" in NERD.

"Mad Cow disease again.... what on earth is happening? the Queen asked alarmed.

"Nothing much - just that .... " he paused as he listened and then translated

"A 54 month old cow got into the food chain so they are withdrawing meat from the supermarkets"

"Silly old cow" said PC who had just skated back into the drawing room and flopped down in his chair.

They were having lunch - a plate of delicious pasta with courgettes, lemon zest and grated goat's cheese which gave a sharp taste to the otherwise bland flavour of the courgettes. One of those marvellous Italian recipes that could be dashed off in a few minutes. A meal in itself. The Press Secretary shrugged off the compliments - he was a talented cook and always ready to help out when Maria flapped.

As she put down her fork after a second helping of pasta, the Queen poured a glass of Novello wine. It was called 'Winter Flowers' and had just been released. As she sipped the light bodied wine with its hints of fruit and mellowness, she asked

"Where is Bracciano?"

"It's a small town to the north of Rome, on a rather picturesque lake - about 40 kms from the Eternal City" replied the Press Secretary.

There had been a lot of coverage in the papers as the town got ready for Tom Cruise's third wedding.

The fairy tale castle overlooking the lake was the venue it appeared. Crawling with paparazzi, there was lots of speculation about whether the wedding would be legal or not. Tom wanted a Scientology ceremony, Katie wanted a Roman Catholic one. But everyone knew that she would be wearing a Giorgio Armani dress.

"The mayor says she hasn't had any requests for a civil ceremony, the local parish priest says 'no way' as Tom is divorced, Scientology is not recognised in Italy, so that means a sort of 'Mission Impossible' really, I guess" said the Press Secretary.

"Wedding Impossible !" said the Prince Consort and for once they all laughed and poured some more glasses of the Novello wine.

"You know that Barot terrorist?" asked the Press Secretary.

Nobody bothered to reply- they seemed engrossed in the papers as usual. PC was playing the cut-out 'Hangman' issued by The Sun, making sure that at least Saddam Hussein would be virtually and repeatedly hanged by millions of readers. Just like the old days when people were allowed to watch hangings. Now with Internet and The Sun, everyone could be a voyeur.

Nevertheless, the Press Secretary continued

"He was arrested while he was having a haircut in Willesden High St !"

"That must have been a close shave" guffawed PC but nobody paid him any attention, which pleased the Press Secretary because that was a typical lousy PC joke.

The Queen stretched out a hand and placed her coffee cup on the side table. "Now, I want to plan the Piazza Navona part of the Rome tour" she said to no one in particular . Communication this morning seemed to be particularly disjointed but the weather was glorious so no one seemed to mind.

The Queen read out from her guide

"William Faulkner, after he had won the Nobel Prize for Lietrature, was in Rome with Lauren Bacall and when Lauren asks him why he drinks, he replies

"When I have one Martini, I feel bigger, wiser, taller. When I have a second, I feel superlative. When I have more, there's no holding me !"

"Time for aperitivi?" laughed the Press Secretary.

"I can't say I like Martini, but I will have just one Prosecco - it might make me feel taller", giggled the Queen.

"I will have two so I feel superlative" laughed the Press Secretary.

"And I will have more so there will be no holding me" threatened PC.

"Just one will be quite enough for you, my gallant Consort" said the Queen sharply.

"As if I wasn't tall enough!" PC muttered.

"That Barot was a nasty piece of work - just as well he is behind bars!" said the Press Secretary with a vehemence unsual for him, given his rather mild unassuming character.

"But he was only a Kazakstan journalist who made a funny politically uncorrect film 'Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan' said the Queen giggling.

"No, no," said the Press Secretary even more vehemently , BARot is the Al Quaeda 'Terr-rst' as George Bush would say, who planned to use a dirty bomb and kill thousands of NERD citizens"

"How confusing - BORat is the journalist and BARot is the terrorist - cannot possibly remember that" said the Queen losing interest rather quickly.

She picked up the Daily Mail and laughed "Look" she said gleefully, "Tessa forgot to add on VAT to the 2012 Olympics bill and now they might have to fork out an extra one billion pounds!"

The Press Secretary recognised the signs of a TAT (Tirade Against Tessa) so very nimbly changed the subject

"Have you finalised your itinerary for the Rome Tour?"

This worked a treat and the Queen became animated.

"I have just been reading about all the famous people who frequented the Caffe Greco , such as Hans Christian Andersen, Baudelaire, Goethe, Liszt and Mendelssohn. We must have coffee there and perhaps we can play the 'Coffee Game ' too -it's right next to Piazza di Spagna"

"But no truth in the story that Casanova was stood up by a woman at the Caffe Greco - just an urban legend" laughed the Press Secretary.

The Queen switched on her computer, signed in for her e mail, typing in the username of 'lilibet_cheated' and then the password. She deleted a few spam items and then did a search for what she was looking for. After a few clicks, she had found what she wanted.

She gathered up the guide books and returned to the sitting room where the Press Secretary and PC were watching 'East Enders'.

"Found it" she said flopping down on the sofa.

"What have you found, dear?" said PC absently

"We are going to hire a scooter for moving around Rome - quite the best way to travel - just like Audrey Hepburn did in that wonderful film - so romantic!"

"You want me to be your Gregory Peck ?" joked PC

"Well, if you have nothing better to do..... look, this scooter hiring company is called 'Bici and Baci' (Bikes and Kisses!) - that is so romantic - they have an ad here in the guide book!"

The Press Secretary burst out laughing

"Now why on earth should the story of the creation with God
creating Adam on a scooter be good publicity for a scooter hire company?"

"And on the eighth day, God created a Vespa" the Queen laughed. They giggled a bit and agreed that it was the most original publicity they had ever seen.

"You will need a crash helmet - both of you actually" the Press Secretary warned.

"No problem, the man I spoke to on the phone said he would give us a 'casco' each. I will just slip it over my veil" the Queen laughed.

"And the Rome traffic- how on earth will you cope?"

"Don't forget, I drove an ambulance in the War!" she admonished him.

And don't forget to visit the site :- www.queeninitaly.com

As he entered the study, the Press Secretary saw that the floor was strewn with guides and maps of the Eternal City.
The Queen was excitedly earmarking pages and looked up as he came in and said

"We absolutely must see the Trevi Fountain -Dickens said that it was 'silvery to the eye and ear'. Oscar Wilde was impressed too saying that 'the sound of the waters is wonderful; it soothes'," she said showing him a large photo of the fountain by night.

"You will have to drink the water if you want to return" laughed the Press Secretary.

"You are joking - I actually know that used to be the custom but you only need to throw a coin in - 5 cents should be quite enough- I think this trip is going to be quite expensive" she replied.

"Well, let's hope they don't turn the water off " laughed the Press Secretary as he thought of Anita Ekberg and Marcello Mastroianni in 'La Dolce Vita'. Lasting happiness and passion could be turned off like a fountain, he thought ruefully.

"Next stop will be the Palazzo Barberini -look, they have restored the palace - it really does look quite different from the film - do you remember when she left on the scooter and the gates banged shut?

'Of course I do - it's one of my favourite films' the Press Secretary said.

"I have just had a brilliant idea!" laughed the Queen , scooping up the guides.

" I will need to surf the web " she added with a glint in her eye.
'

"Do the Italians bother with Halloween?" asked the Queen suddenly.

"Well, it is not really an Italian custom at all but it has become fashionable to ape the Americans in lots of things including all Hallows'Eve to give it its popular title. Anyway it is good business for shop selling costumes so it is suddenly fashionable to cut out pumpkins and dress up - a bit like Carnival really"

"Why is 1st November a holiday then?"the Queen asked.

"That was and still is a religious holiday - All Saints Day- that is when Italians remember their dearly departed so the cemeteries are crowded and florists stalls rake it in"

"You will be glad to know that Pagans in prison in NERD are to be given a day off work for Halloween" PC said sneering.

"Why?"

"Paganism is a religion so to be fair to everybody, they have a right to their holiday, just like the Msulims, Sikhs, Jews, Christians.

The Queen suddenly lost interest in the debate- she was a bit upset anyway at all the talk in the Press about whether God should be addressed as HE or SHE, hostesses banned from wearing religious symbols while at work and above all the fact that 'The God Delusion' by Richard Dawkins, dedicated to deconstructing God, was becoming a bestseller in USA and NERD.

She felt uneasy as traditional customs seemed to be changing rapidly. She would hardly recognise her kingdom when she got it back!

"Let's plan our Roman Holiday" she said to cheer herself up.

The noise grew louder- wheels, rumbling, trundling. What was it? One of the builder's labourers having a race with a wheelbarrow?

The door was flung open and PC arrived, panting a little and wheeled round the desk and drew up smartly beside his wife the ex Queen of England.

"How do you like my new Heelys?" he asked triumphantly.

The Queen and Press Secretary tried hard not to gape. The Queen, not losing one ounce of her aplomb, took off her glasses and said

"What method of transportation is my Consort using? she said frostily.

"They're Heelys - trainers with built-in wheels- I can glide everywhere as if floating on a cushion of air !"

"And how do you brake- you very nearly hit the desk , you know" said the Press Secretary laughing.

"Yes, I do need some more practice in stopping- actually nearly
crashed into the cement mixer in the courtyard" PC admitted frankly.

"Exhibit A- one solid cement Prince Consort- one careful owner"
laughed the Press Secretary.

The Queen shot him a nasty look and was not amused !

They talked for a while about 'heeling' which was the latest craze sweeping NERD and the USA. PC explained that the correct technique was to keep one foot directly behind the other during the slide which could reach a maximum speed of 10 mph. As for braking, one had to drag the heel down or run forward.

"Must get on - want to practise some more" said PC whizzing off.

"I think he needs a psychiatrist" said the Queen turning to look at the Rome guide and the beautiful Tortoise fountain.

The Queen was a little cross that morning. Certainly the newspapers seemed to have started a sort of silly autumn season. The only consolation was that the weather in Italy was glorious- a sort of Indian summer while Britain was cool and wet. She picked up one paper after another a little disconsolately.

The stories in the press depressed her and even the gorgeous coffee did little to raise her spirits. She sometimes wondered how on earth she could be Queen of a nation who :-

1. Headlines with 'aghast' and 'shocked' because a pelican had eaten a pigeon in a park and everybody from parents, grannies and babysitters were totally freaked out.

2. Borat's politically incorrect film was getting great reviews. Photos of Sacha Baron Cohen arriving in a battered station wagon - she thought nostalgically of elegant galas and premieres.

3.The one millionth photograph of the Cheshire cat 'Call me Tony' leaving for Parliament with all his yellow post-its sticking out from an elegant folder - the very model of a model Prime Minister. She felt a vague nausea - too much coffee or too much of a PM who was like a leech sucking the blood of the nation?

4. Demi Moore had had her knees done by a brilliant plastic surgeon. There was a lengthy debate on the aesthetic aspects of sagging or scarring. It was almost raised to a moral and ethical debate.

The Press Secretary entered and seeing the article on Demi Moore laughed

"To sag or to scar, that is the question !"

"Why don't we plan a trip to Rome - I could do you a splendid Rome tour after you have seen Romano Prodi"suggested the Press Secretary.

It was at that point that they turned to each other startled by the sound of what seemed like the hum of roller skates in the corridor.

They continued the briefing some hours later. The air was deliciously cool but the Queen brought her umbrella, just in case there was another downpour.

"Mr. Prodi is very mild mannered but can have a sharp tongue at times. His most famous broadside was in the TV debate with Mr. B when he said he relies only on figures like a drunk man clings to a lampost!"

He then went on to explain his skills as a technocrat. His most famous remark about the Italian people were their great ability for tactics, cunning and social do-it-yourself. He has been compared to the Italian sausage meat 'Mortadella' because of his plump nature and even as a parish priest because he has this genial, kindly air.

"The biggest problem is this medical condition he suffers from", the Press Secretary said gravely.

"What is wrong with him?" the Queen asked sharply.

"Well, he has great difficulty in speaking and the words seem to get lost in his ample jowls. It is called JOWLTITIS. No cure for it apparently but there are more serious aspects as well"

"Such as" said PC showing a lttle sympathy.

"Well, he cannot seem to finish a sentence and the effect on his audience is drastic"

"And?" said PC impatiently.

"People go to sleep because they cannot wait for the end of the sentence. There are long pauses and the effort to remember the beginning of his sentences is exhausting so they
drop off. Other people on the other hand have the opposite reaction and start cheering him on and are often heard shouting 'Go on Prodi, spit it out... finish the sentence!!
It is almost like watching a World Cup match!"

"Well, said PC "I will never suffer from JOWLTITIS - I am as thin as a rake and my face is gaunt and....."

The Queen intervened as she recognised the symptoms of a display of self pity.

"My husband and I are perfect !" and they all chuckled

"I see that Romano Prodi has weighed in on the veils debate , more or less supporting
'Call Me Tony'" said the Press Secretary trying to suppress a yawn as he was becoming bored with the whole issue.

"That reminds me" said the Queen looking down at her rough hands "we should try and fix a meeting with Mr. Proddi soon, now that has government has lasted the whole summer".

"Now, said the Press Secretary briskly, "the first thing is to get his name right"

"It's Romano PRODDI", said the Queen testily.

"No, it is not- Proddi with a double 'D' reminds me of my childhood when we had to attend a Protestant school in the slums of Cork and the Catholic children mocked us singing,
'Proddy Woddy Green gut, falling down the stairs', can't remember the rest"

"And what did you reply ?" asked the Queen

"Catty Watty going to Mass, riding on the devil's ass"

They all had a good laugh and the Press Secretary said

"Now let us get his name right- I know loads of English people who call him Proddi - the correct pronunciation is PRODI with a long 'O'- rhymes with DODI".

As soon as he said it he could have bitten off his tongue and the Queen shot him a dirty look.

"Well...... try TOADIE" that should help you remember it.

"But it is not a very nice association , is it ?" the Queen replied frostily.

"Try ROADIE then" the Press Secretary said a little desperately.

"And what, may I ask is a roadie?"

"Oh, the guy who sets up the transport of equipment for rock groups" said the Press Secretary breezily.

"All right then, roadie will have to do, Mr. Romano Roadie"

"No, Mr. Romano PRODI !"

"Elocution lesson over, I hope" sneered PC and then exclaimed

"Up-Helly -O"!!

Don't forget to visit www.queeninitaly.com

She came in from deadheading in the garden- she had finished all the lantanas -they might produce a few more flowers before autumn really set in. She flung down her headscarf on the hall table. It lay there, shimmering silk with the rather silly design of stirrups and reins which conjured up glorious Ascot days.
"I cannot understand all this rapper business- I saw in the Middel English bible that David Cameron is planning a meeting with a certain Chicago rapper called Rhymefest".
"Rhymefest - just love their lyrics - lots of 'gangsta' stuff, murder music and knife culture" said PC gloating over his wife's ignorance.
"And what, may I ask has that got to do the Tory party and their solid oak tree logo ?" she asked a little tetchily.
"Oh just trying to win over the younger voters- actually Rhymefest has invited him and I quote 'I invite you to sit down and have a cup of tea and talk to a real rapper and learn that rapper music is more than murder music and knife culture' said the Press Secretary. He thought this might be a better topic than a TAT (Tirade against Tessa) or BBB (Blame Bolshie Blair) so was quite happy to pursue it.
"Actually knowing some of the lyrics, he will have quite a job and they might need more than a few cups of tea" said the Press Secretary noting that the Queen had lost interest.
"Look at this - Lady Macca has accused your Sir Paul of attacking her with a broken wine glass and trying to strangle her as well" said PC.
"Sounds like a rapper lyric to me" laughed the Press Secretary.

For more fun and games, Italian recipes and sights, visit: www.queeninitaly.com

"We really must get a sealed sign-in" said the Queen as she furiously clicked through her email that morning.
She was obsessed with her personal security and protecting her privacy especially the fact that the NERD anti-monarchists might have got hold of their re-entry strategy which was known as 'Operation Return'. That was the plan whereby they would 'cause' another referendum to be passed through Parliament.
She took a few sheets of paper off the printer, put them in order and then said
"Spyware, viruses, hackers, spam, splogs.... it really is a jungle"
"Mind the tendrils" mocked PC doing his Tarzan act.
Suddenly the Queen commanded 'Get rid of Norton".
PC sounded puzzled. "Wasn't he the head gardener at Balmoral?"
"That was Morton" she said impatiently. "Norton is an anti virus but we really need more effective ones"
"But we have had FOUR installed"the Press Secretary protested.
"Never mind, the more the merrier -ask the webmaster to look after it, will you" she said turning to look at the papers which the Press Secretary had placed on her desk. It was all VEILS this morning. Jack Straw, Tessa Jowell and 'Call Me Tony' had all weighed in and said veils were a barrier and represented separation. There was even talk of reigniting the veils issue which conjured up images of bonfires in the council housing estates.
"Poor women, since I was ousted, they have never had a moment's peace- I could have championed their cause. After all, I wear a veil too!"
"What veil - I never saw you with the niqab!" said the Press Secretary.
"And what is this ?" the Queen asked dramatically as she pulled on her headscarf. "Never go out without it or at least some form of headgear".
She tied her headscarf and laughed "I'm off to do some deadheading!"

As the Queen came down the stairs that morning, PC threw her a clementine. She caught it with difficulty and glared at him.She replaced it in the bowl of fruit
"Just off the trees in the garden- the very first ones of the season" PC said happily as he tore off the peel, releasing a shower of zest which filled the study with that incredible aromaof sunkissed fruit.
"How is the estore doing?" she asked hopefully.
"Er.... not very well, the webmaster is looking at ways of increasing traffic to our site" the Press Secretary said.
They turned to the papers. Madonna was in the process of adopting a little boy from Malawi by whisking him away in a her private jet. Illegally it appeared, as she would have had to have been resident in the country for at least eitheen months.Bridget Jones' knickers had not even reached the reserve price of £3,900 on eBay so they were withdrawn.
The knickers were to be sold for charity.
"Well, we are a charity ... no, no, we cannot have her knickers on our estore.... we might be desperate for money but not that desperate"the Queen said, shaking her head.
"Oh my darling, oh my darling Clementine" sang PC.
The Queen merely ignored him and took a pear from the bowl of fruit.

"Now , I want the Flat Queens on the home page and then all the other products on the second page" said the Queen sharply.
The webmaster shuddered and set to work.
"Do you need to update the home page in any way?" he asked politely.
"Yes, we are letting out the stables to decent monarchists- put in 'Share the Royals' Exile in delightful setting' - there is a photograph as well. You can leave the bit about our plans for a triumphant return. The other things we are selling are :- 'Life is too short for bad coffee' cushions, Italian espresso coffee, travel books on Italy, rapid Italian course. I am so glad we have done a deal with the Italian Tourist Board- they will be flocking to Italy in their droves".
The Press Secretary suddenly said
"I have finally managed to get a copy of the undergrond magazine 'Royals who Stayed' - you know it is banned in NERD"
She looked at him over her large glasses and said
"Of course I knew that- democracy and the free press are dead now in NERD- what is this issue about?"
"You grandson Harry and all his secret trips to South Africato see his girfriend - she will now be studying at Bristol University- Nice photo of him with a fun T shirt with 'Stylin' onthe back"
"Stylin'?" she asked puzzled
"Means 'I'm on to a good thing!"

"Bad news, I am afraid" said the Press Secretary that morning.
The Queen put down her coffee cup and raised a quizzical eyebrow.
"No good news then?"
There was no good news at all really and the Press Secretary would never mention the fact that a new play on Lady Di , showing her in bed with two men with Down's Syndrome and the Queen as a dwarf would be made into a film next year!
"It's Prince Victor Emanuel- they put a microphone in his cell while he was in Potenza jail and he boasted of fooling the French judges when he was accused of murdering a young man about 30 years ago-so he got off scot free! Not to mention the latest accusations about aiding and abetting prostitution."
"We certainly do not want to be associated with THAT royal family" the Queen said firmly.
"It is rather ironic that the Prince spent the last forty years trying to get back into Italy from where the Royal Family were banned and now that he has misbehaved he wants to leave Italy as quickly as he can - of course now he is not allowed to leave" the Press Secretary laughed.
"Ain't misbehavin" laughed PC
"Apart from certain royals misbehaving, I think you need a new image"suggsted the Press Secretary gently
"Maybe we should take a leaf out of the Swedish Royals' book and display a more relaxed fun approach so that when we go back, we will have a brand new image- fun, cool ,trendy pensioners" said the Queen thoughtfully.
"Carl Gustav took part in a veteran car rally and drove a car with an egg on a spoon in his mouth and the nation rejoiced in his fine teeth" the Press Secretary said
The Queen shot him a doubtful look. "What do you think WE need to do to change our image ?"
"Lighten up, enjoy life, dress casually-sneakers, baseball cap and a travel pouch are all fine nowadays". The Press Secretary, knowing that ideas would take time to germinate and grow, changed the subject and switched on his portable computer and asked
"Have you seen my fabulous photos of the Calabrian sunsets?"