Lots of types of people buy lottery tickets. So how can there be a "type" when it comes to lottery winners? You know when you see the big winner in the paper that they blew the entire 2.5 million on a bingo binge and a gold-plated barbecue to bring with them to attend every Nascar event for the next 25 years.

I don't get how the same type of person wins every time.

Maybe it's Ford, paying off the lottery officials, knowing that if the rednecks don't win the lottery they'll never sell the big pick-up trucks.

At Ellesmere & Pharmacy in Scarborough there is a butcher shop called "Halal Fresh Meat". The ads in the window say "Beef, Veal, Lamb, Goat, Chicken, Ground."

Ground?

I've heard old folks saying "Everyone will eat a pound of dirt before they die." I just didn't know it was a Muslim thing.

Maybe David Suzuki should start by reducing the emissions on the motorcycles he manufacturers before he preaches to the rest of us.

I love how things sometimes happen by accident but look like they're planned. For instance, at the intersection of Queen and Coxwell in Toronto there are two porn shops. So the slogan should be "Come to Queen and Coxwell to find everything you need to make a Queen's Coxwell."

If it's true that everything happens because of God's will, then I imagine God invented beer, cigarettes and fast food to ensure that everyone has an equal chance with the chicks. I mean, I'm already brilliant and incredibly funny. Imagine if I was in shape! The other guys wouldn't stand a chance.

Also at Ellesmere & Kennedy in Scarborough: "Members in Christ Assemblies" church. I don't know much about church, but I don't think there is anything in the Bible about Christ wanting anyone to put their members in him.

Slogan in the window at the Chinese Hut Restaurant at Ellesmere & Kennedy in Scarborough: "Natural Health Taste."

What does Natural Health taste like? I think I prefer un-natural un-healthy taste.

I wonder if, at the Toronto Street Naming Association Annual Conference the keynote speaker always says something like "our industry has been on a constant up-swing ever since that one low year when by accident, we named a street Avenue Road."

I always get the question "did you see the game last night?" Because I am a guy, people assume I am into sports. But I'm really not. I always say I don't watch sports because I don't enjoy playing them because I suck at sports.

But I have realized that is pretty stupid logic. If I only watched things I was good at, the internet porn industry would see a massive drop in downloads overnight.

Do you ever take your clothes to a 1-hour dry cleaner? There should be a disclaimer on the sign saying "1-Hour Dry Cleaning* but we pick which hour.

Every time I try to get my clothes cleaned in an hour, there are a billion reasons why I can't have it. Like:

"Sorry, you have to drop your clothes off before 7 to get the 1-hour service."
"But you open at 7:30."
"Are you here to get your clothes cleaned or to make excuses?"

Dry cleaners are some of the funniest people in the world.

Now that it's warming up and people are getting their dogs out again (See previous post), it's time for a few reminders.

1. If your dog doesn't come when you call, your dog should be on a leash.
2. If your dog is aggressive towards other dogs, your dog should be on a leash.
3. If your dog is aggressive towards people, your dog should be on a leash.
4. If your dog will steal from people's picnics, your dog should be on a leash.
5. If you are walking a dog, YOUR DOG SHOULD BE ON A LEASH!

That about sums it up.

Taking the bus offers so many great eavesdropping opportunities. Like the day I heard a couple of young kids discussing what they had learned in Social Studies class recently.

"The girls in that religion, they have to wear, you know, vials on their head."

I laughed so hard I almost cried. I could just picture women from some strange religion walking around with vials and beakers and other lab equipment on their heads. I guess their religion really values good posture and balance.

Jodi likes to watch a few shows on TLC. The Learning Channel. Learning? What do TLC viewers learn? Well, the educators from "What Not to Wear" teach us the important lesson that if you do not spend $5,000 each season to change your entire wardrobe then you are a bad person.

The only time I change my wardrobe is when I gain weight. Which, according to TLC's "I Can Make You Thin" also makes me a bad person.

So, to review: TLC is educational; Lloyd is bad. The truth hurts.

I noticed there is a bookstore at Lawrence and Victoria Park in Scarborough, run by the Canadian Bible Society, called "The Bible Store." That must be the world's smallest store. A store with only one product.

Imagine if they started doing that for every book. Instead of big box bookstores, you could just have little stores, each specializing in just one title. There would be "The Cat in the Hat Store" or "The Archie Double Digest Volume 163 Store."

We'd be over run with tiny bookstores. I don't think it's going to catch on.

I read in the newspaper this morning about protestors in Edmonton, protesting against a coal gasification project near the city. They assembled in front of City Hall for their demonstration, in which they used origami paper geese to call attention to the effect the project might have on migratory birds.

Environmental protestors using thousands of sheets of paper to prove a point? Killing trees to save trees? This could revolutionize the protest industry. Some ways in which this new protest method could be put to use by other groups:

-Right-to-lifers arranging to have their members all have public abortions to draw attention to the plight of the fetus.

-Civil rights demonstrators organizing their protestors in an orderly fashion by race, religion, gender and sexuality to point out the plight of minorities.

-Anti-war protestors opening fire on women and children to show how destructive war is.

-Protestors at the G8 meetings outsourcing their protest to India for wages well below the poverty line.

I think this new reverse psychology protesting will be very exciting. Thank you, Edmonton protestors for this fun new trend you have started.

I imagine that every successful job interview for a bus/subway/streetcar driver with the Toronto Transit Commission goes like this:
"Can you call out the stops with a mouthful of ball bearings?"
"Yes, of course."
"You're hired."

Her - "Welcome to The Everything for a Dollar Store!"
Me - "Thanks. I'll take everything in the store. Here's your dollar."
Her - "?"

Speaking of hairspray, is anyone on the planet actually attracted to hair that looks like it would break if you touched it?

I haven't used hair spray since my high school prom, so I'm not exactly a hair spray expert. But I imagine that in the production of hair spray, all sorts of horrible things happen to the environment. There has to be stuff in hair spray that will make its way into the water and eventually end up in polar bears' livers.

If the kids who take the same bus as me in the morning would just cut back on their hair spray use by 50%, I imagine they would single-handedly be responsible for stopping global worming.

And my bus wouldn't stink of hairspray anymore.

Like on most public busses, the Toronto Transit Commission's busses have little digital signs that say the route number and where it is going. For instance, every morning on the way to work, I catch a bus on Brimley Road that says "21 Brimley to Scarborough Centre" or something like that.

But there is one bus in particular that makes me laugh every time I see it. It is the 86. It just says "86 Scarborough" on the front. It sounds like the route number and name were decided by someone who really hates Scarborough.



I say, leave Scarborough alone. And 86 that bus instead.

Telus is always advertising their cell phones by showing fish swimming around them. I don't get it. Does Telus offer waterproof phones? That would actually be pretty good for me, because I can't swim, so if I fall off a boat, I could call 911.

"911, what is the emergency?"
"Glub bla fffet glub"
"Is this some kind of joke?"
"Glub bbb ffllb."
"Damn, I hate those new Telus phones."

A sign outside the Color Your World store on Lawerence Ave E in Scarborough:

"Help wanted - Trade Division. 30-40 hours."

My first thought: 30-40 hours is not nearly enough notice for most people.

There is a condo building at the corner of Brimley & Ellesmere in Scarborough with a sign on the front door that says "Please leave door closed at all times."

So, why have a door? How do those people get home? And when they find a way in, are they stuck?

The big sign at the front of the bus that says "Please exit at the rear doors" is clearly too complex for most bus riders to understand.

How hard it it to understand that the whole bus riding process will go much smoother if you get off at the back while people get on at the front? It's very simple physics. Everytime you get off at the front, you slow down the whole bus trip for the rest of us by slowing down the people who are trying to get on. Why do you do this?

I think it comes down to how sexually repressed we still are. Do people really think that it will make them look bad if people see that they enjoy getting off at the back door?

Have you seen the commercial on TV for the Olympics that has a bunch of kids saying things like "I'm not a loser" or "I'm not a loner" in several languages. Then they all start saying "I'm an athelete" like you can't possibly be both.

(If you don't recognize the commercial, go to olympic.org and click on "The Best of Us"in tbe multimedia gallery in the top right.)

What kind of jock nonsense is this? I always expect the next line to be "so go find a fat kid to call names and leave the jocks alone. Faggot."