Run, Fatboy, Run Movie Review: C+

I sit on my couch ready to throw up the little food that sits within my wretched stomach, preparing to write my first movie review in over a week and a half. A trip to Mexico and a subsequent virus has left me devoid of brain power, as evidenced by my many days of sitting in front of the television in a catatonic state, not even able to apply my beautiful fingers to the keyboard to write about movies. Run Fatboy Run is the first movie of many that I must review soon, as I am far behind and will be farther if I don't force myself to do something. And so here it is...

Run Fatboy Run stars Simon Pegg as an alleged fat man (most certainly the skinniest fat man to grace Hollywood that I can remember) who vows to run a marathon after his ex-girlfriend's new boyfriend reveals that he is doing the same. Pegg, best known in the U.S. for Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz, plays his usual self, the sarcastic and slightly awkward Brit. The character works well for him, but one has to wonder how quickly will audiences tire of him when not matched against Nick Frost. That may be a bit unfair, but it seems like Pegg - even in films such as Mission: Impossible III - hasn't exactly branched out. Then again, he's a comic actor; maybe he doesn't, as long as the movie is right.

But is the movie right? Run Fatboy Run is OK, neither as good as it could have been nor a waste. The movie has a feel-good energy to it, which takes it far; at the same time, it seems a bit too grounded at times. With a title like what it has, I was expecting something more absurd and outlandish; not slapstick by any means, but something a little goofier than what David Schwimmer has delivered. I guess I shouldn't fault the film for something like this, but it isn't as funny as I was hoping for.

Still, Run Fatboy Run has its funny scenes, and I liked the race sequence. All in all, Run Fatboy Run is a decent picture with an okay story and some good jokes. It isn't the next Shaun of the Dead by any means, but, then again, it was never meant to be. And now that it took me two hours to write this short, piddling review, I am going to return to reclining on the couch...

Review by Robert Bell (C+)

It's difficult to understand why it is that someone would stand their significant other up at the altar, or even if it actually happens outside of Hollywood fare. It seems more logical that one would go through with the marriage for appearances, then annul it the next day, or that they would get out of it before the refund time on deposits expire. There is also an unexplained innocence in the formula rom-com, which seems to believe that an audience would care or identify with the kind of moron that would pull a stunt like that.

Run, FatBoy, Run is essentially a standard Farrelly Brothers style romantic comedy, with less crudity, and more effort placed on characters. There's nothing particularly original or noteworthy as every moment of the film adheres to a pre-existing formula. It's harmless, and may stir some laughter in some audience members, but will be forgotten by most ten minutes after leaving the theatre.

Dennis (Simon Pegg) is a nervous wreck moments before his marriage to a very pregnant Libby (Thandie Newton). When it comes time to head to the altar, he runs, literally, and is chased by the wedding guests, Libby included.

Five years later, Dennis is working as a security guard for a ladies department store, living in a basement apartment, sporting a new prosthetic belly, and endlessly regretting his past mistake. Still in love with Libby, Dennis makes efforts to rekindle the relationship every time he stops by to pick up their son, Jake (Matthew Festoon). This struggle is exacerbated by the arrival of Whit (Hank Azaria), an American Financial exec who has started dating Libby.

Feeling the competition element, Dennis vows to run a 26-mile race that Whit plans to run, thinking this will win the heart of Libby. Being somewhat out of shape, and not particularly ambitious, Dennis' friends (Dylan Moran, Harish Patel) help whip him into shape (for reasons of their own).

There is very little to distinguish this film from any other about underdogs trying to win their "gal". Our protagonist is a hopeless failure, but likable nonetheless, his intentions are honorable, and he aims to earn his prize against all odds. Fatboy is complete with training montages, conveniently timed character revelations, and an overdone final race played without parody. It's all done well enough, but bridges on corny a little too often.

David Schwimmer has actually shows some promise behind the camera. While he occasionally rushes sequences giving them an amateurish feel, he avoids visual embellishment, making the film commercially viable, and showing that he likely has a second career ahead of him helming studio pics.

The performances throughout the film are uniformly decent, yet unspectacular. Simon Pegg plays the underdog well, unafraid to embarrass himself, and humanizing a potentially annoying character. Thandie Newton is charming as always, if underused, and not particularly well developed on the page. Hank Azaria plays smug and controlling well, not surprisingly.

Run, Fatboy, Run should please those looking for a digestible, predictable, light comedy. In fact, it's possibly the perfect airplane movie. It simply offers nothing new or even necessary to the genre, or more discerning viewers.

Speed Racer Movie Review: C

With the curiosity usually reserved for a cat chasing a laser pointer, I popped Speed Racer into my DVD player today, with hopes that it would serve as decent background noise while I toiled away at my day job but expectations that it would be a complete waste of time. The fact that the movie isn't nearly as bad as I was expecting is almost disappointing.

Emile Hirsch, one of the most respectable but consistently underrated young actors working today, stars as the title character, an eager beaver who is considered one of the best racers in the world, sort of like Anakin Skywalker before he fell in love with a woman who looks like Natalie Portman, went crazy and turned into a legless freak named Darth Vader. One of the largest corporations in the world tries to sponsor him, but when Speed Racer refuses, the corporation sets out to destroy him. That doesn't stop Speed from entering a race that is known to be fixed and to overthrow the big old corporation once and for all. Christina Ricci, John Goodman, Matthew Fox and Susan Sarandon also got tricked into starring in this picture.

The Wachowski brothers, best known for The Matrix, continue to prove that they are one-hit wonders with Speed Racer. While the movie isn't the disaster I was expecting, it is clear that these brothers have lost touch with their audiences and have become overconfident in their ability to wow audiences with snazzy special effects. If Speed Racer isn't the perfect example of style over substance, I don't know what is. The movie is colorful eye candy from beginning to end, and I give props to the Wachowskis for doing something completely different. The movie plays out like a live-action cartoon, only nothing like the hilarious Shaolin Soccer. I was quick to discount the movie when I first saw the previews a year ago; the movie looked terrible in execution and everything else.

On the one hand, Speed Racer is a visual feast that's worthy of something... what, I don't know. The visual style and graphics are something to behold, and at times quite mesmerizing. At the same time, they are so outlandish and intentionally unrealistic that the movie loses itself. While the Wachowskis got me caught up in the excitement of the races more than I expected, the film certainly didn't engage me to the degree that it needed to. It's hard to get excited about a race sequence where you know the worst that will happen is a couple of pixels will explode here and there. Furthermore, when the Wachowskis try other kinds of action - like hand-to-hand combat - the results are just terribly cheesy. And since the movie is rated PG, don't expect anything too violent, either.

The real problem with Speed Racer is not, ultimately, the special effects, but instead the fact that the Wachowskis forgot to make an exciting story to complement those effects. If they had just set out to make a kid's movie, I'd understand, but even though this film was based on a cartoon, you have to imagine that the studio, the Wachowskis and everyone else involved were hoping for some real box office dollars, not a $13-million dud. The story is OK, but nothing special. The writing is dreadful, perhaps intentionally so, as the only interesting characters are the little kid and his chimp. Hirsch, Goodman, Sarandon, Ricci and Fox are all wasted; Hirsch, if he was meant to be the main character, didn't leave a single lasting impression in my mind. On top of all that, the Wachowskis have a little too much fun with their film; they forgot to make some of the race sequences exciting, forgot that they were trying to tell a cohesive story and so on and so forth. The choice of music is also generally poor, and doesn't get the audience in the right mind set.

Still, surprisingly enough, I found some of the race sequences sort of exciting. On the flip side, though, the races strike amazing similarity to the pod race scene in The Phantom Menace, and say what you will about the Star Wars prequels and even the necessity of said scene, but the pod race was a seriously exciting sequence. Speed Racer pales in comparison. Let's not forget the awesome car chase scene in The Matrix Reloaded, too.

Speed Racer is more watchable than I was expecting, but it is a movie that everyone involved should have identified as a big flop long before it ever completed production. A better screenplay and more attention to maintaining the excitement factor could have made Speed Racer something, but ultimately it's a lot of flash without much bang.

Review by Robert Bell (C)

As cinema gradually evolves, it becomes increasingly clear that storytelling is becoming less of a priority. Glossy hyper-stylized images and hackneyed, insincere emotional catharsis are the wave of the future, as are indecipherable frenetic action sequences designed to overwhelm the senses with an almost orgasmic glee. Hollow excess and easily digested "wow" moments give a desensitized audience the homogenized escapist crap they so desperately seek; unwilling and unable to pause or reflect on anything with meaning. It's only logical, given the rapid take-no-prisoners, pop-a-pill-to-stifle-unwelcome-feelings culture we have become. Everything we do is designed to escape from reality: our entertainment, dream vacations and misguided career focus are all just filler, despite the requirements of emotional development, which need downtime and personal reflection in order to find a personal purpose and reason. Then again, isn't it that much easier to just quash away all of those feelings of confusion and inadequacy by accepting the ideologies and distorted moral codes of the majority? It is. And if we distract ourselves long enough while going through the motions of expectation, we may not even notice how utterly stupid and frivolous our surface driven lives are. Then again, happiness is defined by the individual, and maybe designer sneakers and a fancy new refrigerator is all one needs to feel satisfied in this world.

Speed Racer is the latest flash-in-a-pan innovation by the brothers Wachowski. Utterly impressive from a visual standpoint, almost begging to be seen on the big screen, Speed is a colourful, insanely stylized, aesthetic treat. This is the deep fried chocolate bar of cinema, featuring some intense and gorgeously shot action and races - that is, if the action can be made out, and if the endless exposition doesn't act as a tranquilizer. Clocking in at over two hours the film tests audience patience; shifting in tone too frequently and wasting time on an unnecessarily complex story that preaches the evils of powerful corporations who exploit heartfelt fun for financial gain.

Even as a child, Speed (Emile Hirsch) dreamed of being a racecar driver. It consumed him and every waking moment of his life. This is unsurprising, as he comes from racing stock, Mom (Susan Sarandon) and Pops (John Goodman) are embedded in the world, as is Speed's older brother Rex (Scott Porter). When a mysterious accident takes the life of Rex, the family is thrown into a funk.

Aided by his plucky, and uber-supportive girlfriend Trixie (Christina Ricci), Speed continues on with his racing fancies, garnering recognition in the minor leagues. This sparks the interest of Royalton (Roger Allam), who wants to sign Speed on to his corporate team of elite, high-tech racers. When Speed turns down the deal, he begins to learn of a corrupt sport that is controlled by financiers and business ambition. Fighting the instinct to let his passion be crushed by harsh realities, Speed teams up with Racer X (Matthew Fox) to try and take down the corporations.

Unsurprisingly, Speed delivers on the visual frenzy is advertises. The racing sequences feature jaw-dropping colour and style, staying true to the source Mach Go Go Go anime the film stems from. Cars jump through mid-air, drive up cliffs, crash into each other, spin around, drive upside down and speed along with visual gusto. Techniques used to deliver in-race conversation are particularly effective, maintaining visual urgency, while offering needed exposition. It's just a shame that the excess editing and constant chaos make it so difficult to make out at times.

Even sequences shot away from the action are visually impressive, impeccable costumes, makeup and set design, when matched with the stunning framing devices employed by the Wachowski's, make the film uniquely interesting throughout. But this is all the film has to offer.

The story is so unnecessarily convoluted and overdone that most audience members will find themselves checking their watch while waiting for the next race. If there were any depth or insight beyond "money and power is bad" this may have been justified, but instead Speed offers nearly 45 minutes of stylized exposition. Adding pretty colours to a lengthy discussion of corporate intricacy doesn't make it a great deal more exciting to watch.

In addition, there are a number of emotional oversimplifications. Pre-packaged heartfelt discussion are scattered throughout, giving context to the already generic relationships that Speed has with each person in his life. Perhaps some interest or emotional connection could have been salvaged from these sequences if Emile Hirsch didn't always seem so bored, confused and disconnected. He acts as a sounding board with absolutely no depth or uniqueness of character.

Also worth mentioning is the sheer level of annoyance the character of Spirtle (Paulie Litt), Speed's porky younger brother, adds to the film. Incongruous and often anarchic sequences of him creating mischief with his monkey are so grating and cutesy that it's tempting to throw miscellaneous items at the movie screen; be it cabbage, cell phones or a spare child.

Cutesy kid scenes add to the tonality issues of the film, as they are often juxtaposed with death, or sequences involving grisly gangsters torturing racers and threatening to feed them to piranhas. It's difficult to know how to feel when the film jumps from violent, to sad, to quirky, to comic, to angry every five minutes.

Many audience members will be able to overlook these flaws, as they are essentially in the theatre for the sole purpose of experiencing visual mayhem. And on that aspect, the film delivers.

Deception Movie Review: B-

Ewan McGregor and Hugh Jackman star in Deception, the critically reviled thriller that came and went from theaters faster than you can say flop. Clearly a film that was made on a bet, Deception is about routine as they come... except, I rather liked it. Deception has a piddling 12% rating on Rotten Tomatoes, meaning that nearly every critic and his or her mother - and grandmother - hated it. The Top Critics only gave it 4%, and the consensus of the reviews is that Deception "is a middling, predictable potboiler with mediocre dialogue and ludicrous plot twists."

Fair enough, but I still liked it. The dialogue isn't great. The movie was obviously written by a horny guy sitting at home in his basement, thinking about how he could write a story about an Average Joe who gets recruited into an anonymous sex club where he could have sex with lots of beautiful women that look a lot like Natasha Henstridge and Maggie Q. And Charlotte Rampling, what? Of course, just doing a movie about a dude having sex with bunch of random, easy women is called a porn, so it's best to throw in some intrigue, betrayal, murder and - you guessed it - deception!

Sadly, Deception is predictable, but I'm pretty sure director Marcel Langenegger, who's a cousin of Arnold only not really (do you think he was called "Wangenegger" in elementary school?), knew that from the beginning. At least I hope so. He seems to be fine with the fact that his thriller is pretty routine, as otherwise the picture looks decent enough, with a nice, crisp look and a fast-moving story. Neither McGregor or Jackman are great, but they make for okay characters, and after the cluster that was Pathology, they are Godsends.

As predictable as the movie is, I liked it, for the simple fact that it's, well, simple. The twist is executed pretty well and puts a smile on your face, and that's about all I could ask for. I was never bored and never wanted to scratch my eyes out, so that's good, too.

Unfortunately, the denouement is pretty damn bad. This may be time to issue a spoiler alert. After Michelle Williams, still angry over the death of Heath, shoots Hugh Jackman from out of nowhere, Ewan McGregor does the only logical actions possible: he gets the man's blood on his shirt, his fingerprints on the dude's passport and leaves the $20 million in the park. Are you freaking kidding me? And all this just so he can chase after the woman he loves, who was the one who betrayed him in the first place? And then some time later, they run into each other again? You have got to be kidding me. The ending is downright terrible.

If you really like thrillers and have nothing else to see, Deception is not nearly as bad as the critics say it is. I wouldn't go out of my way to see it, but it has its moments.

Pathology Movie Review: D+

Pathology. It once had a single definition: The study of disease or any condition that affects the length or quality of life. It now has a second: terrible movie.

Milo Ventimiglia, best known as Peter Petrelli in "Heroes," stars in this alleged shock flick about a group of medical students who start a game to see who can commit the perfect murder. What starts out as an "innocent" killing of one or two people here and there, however, turns into an all-out war as one of the students (Michael Weston) goes off his rocker just a little bit. Facing some not-so-good options, Ted (Ventimiglia) decides that he has to take matters into his own hands.

I have to admit... I was looking forward to Pathology. In fact, strangely excited. Ever since I saw the Red-band trailer, which featured lots of gore and gratuitous nudity, I thought that this movie, as far as horror thrillers go, could be halfway worthwhile. Alyssa Milano still looks good at 36, yes, and Lauren Lee Smith looks damn hot, but even the rather pointless sex scenes with the two of them (no, not together) can't save Pathology from the morgue.

The movie just sucks from beginning to end. The plot makes no sense: there's no rational motive for this many people to all get caught up in the same sick game; no matter how much you're around death, sociopaths don't just make it to grad school left and right and all end up on the same team together and decide to brutally kill people just to see if they can get away with it. It just doesn't happen.

None of the characters - including Ted - are even slightly redeemable; if Ted is meant to be the protagonist, it is a sad, sad day. One suspects - and by one, I mean me - that the writers intended to make us feel for Ted, but he commits murder along with the rest of them, cheats on his girlfriend without an ounce of remorse, and when he decides to do something about his situation, he's doing it to cover his own ass, not make up for the moral wrongs he's committed. I don't need a protagonist to be morally sound, but the characters in Saw are more likable than any found here. The lack of sensible characters also makes the film feel even more utterly ridiculous, as there's no one to contrast against them.

Pathology is boring and not nearly as gory as advertised; the gore wouldn't have saved the film, but it would have at least made the viewing watchable. Milo is going to have to stick to television for just a little longer if this movie is any indication.

War/Dance Movie Review: B-

I was recently sent a copy of the War/Dance DVD review, and delighted I was: the documentary, about war-torn Uganda, was nominated for an Academy Award.

War/Dance, directed by Sean Fine and Andrea Nix, focuses on several children who live in a displacement camp in northern Uganda. Their region is filled with rebels who rape, pillage, murder, torture and kidnap, and all have grown up with the sounds of gunfire as a way of life. Many of their parents and friends have been killed or kidnapped; some don't even know if their family members are still alive. Despite their misery, they do find solace in at least one thing: dancing.

Apparently, dancing is a big thing in Uganda. I'm not a huge fan of dancing myself, being neither good nor bad enough to stand out. When given a choice between dancing or sitting on the sideline watching the pretty girls like a desperate loser, I choose the latter. But these Ugandan kids... they sure seem to like to dance. Of course, dance has a different meaning over there, at least in regards to this movie. Each region has its own cultural dance style, and it's a sense of pride and cultural unity. Furthermore, the country has a national dance-off championship, where schools from all over compete for the top prize. And this year is the first year that this poor and war-torn village has had the honor to send their team to the championship.

The movie is a mix of dance competition and war stories, and the blend works moderately well. However, since I'm not into dancing all that much - including cultural African dancing - I found the stories about how these kids survived and witnesses brutal murders much more interesting. One kid in particular was actually kidnapped by the rebels and forced to do things - like shoot innocents - while in captivity. The story is haunting (especially since he hadn't even told his mother) and I would have loved for the filmmakers to dive more into his past. Some of the other children have tragically interesting stories as well.

The problem with War/Dance is also its saving grace; Fine and Nix could have gone one route and focused entirely on the tragic circumstances of northern Uganda, an approach I would have much preferred. But, then, War/Dance would be just like a dozen other pictures of a similar nature. And the title wouldn't make any sense. So the addition of a dance competition is a refreshing one, even if it isn't nearly as captivating of a focus.

Beyond the subject, War/Dance is a well done, pretty film. The stories told within make this a worthy documentary, but even with its focus on dance, there is nothing so unique that sets this apart from the rest.

Forbidden Kingdom, The Movie Review: C+

Fans of kung fu action movies have been waiting years - no, decades - for Jet Li and Jackie Chan to face off against one another, and they finally get their wish with The Forbidden Kingdom. Unfortunately, the movie is too little, too late for the aging actors, and the fact that the movie is an American production doesn't help.

Fans of the actors will generally say that Chan and Li's Chinese productions have always been better than their American ones, at least when it comes to action sequences. Hollywood, with more limitations and less willingness to commit its star actors to physically threatening stunts, has increasingly resorted to computer graphics and less elaborate fight sequences, especially for Chan. So fans must have been a little discouraged that Chan and Li would be squaring off against one another in an American-made film that, oddly enough, also stars a white teenager. Thankfully, The Forbidden Kingdom isn't a complete disaster, but it isn't the action epic that Chan and Li could have done.

Still, given that Chan is well past his prime, The Forbidden Kingdom coughs up enough action scenes to make it worth your while. Specifically, the scene where Li and Chan fight against one another - before they realize they are on the same side - is quite good. Not classic, but better than I was expecting. There are some other decent sequences as well, though some are spoiled with some silly special effects that only an American director could think of.

Unfortunately, the movie itself is a mish mash of material. While never terrible, Forbidden Kingdom never excels in any way or form. The fact that the movie is a blend of Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon and The Neverending Story doesn't help, either. I, and many other people, could have thought of much more suitable material for Chan and Li to star in, rather than a cheesy fantasy story about a magical staff and an American kid transported back in time. Throw in some pretty bad writing, and there we go. Of course, neither plot nor writing have ever being incredibly important to Jackie Chan or Jet Li movies, but as I get older and the quantity of kung fu movies expands exponentially, you really start to look for ones that stand out. The Forbidden Kingdom doesn't stand out in any way or form.

Though it's hardly Michael Angarano's fault for the writers building in an American character into a film set in ancient China, he just isn't a good fit for the movie. He doesn't have the look of an action hero - not even a wimpy one - and he never clicked for me.

The Forbidden Kingdom has its moments and it's cool to see Jackie Chan and Jet Li in the same movie, but there's nothing here that sets it apart from the rest. It would have been nice to see the two actors pair up in a movie with a slightly better plot and less American influence. Still, I could think of worse ways to spend an hour and a half.

Review by Robert Bell (C+)

The idea of Jackie Chan and Jet Li sharing the screen for the first time will excite many viewers. Known for an impressive roster of stunt work, audiences will surely expect a bevy of physics-defying choreographed fighting. With Forbidden Kingdom they won't be disappointed. What may be somewhat of a let down to fans of this genre is the fact that this journey is less about the meeting of these screen legends, and more about the maturation of an American kid obsessed with kung-fu movies.

Forbidden Kingdom is a slightly crappier version of The Neverending Story, with bootleg kung-fu movies substituting for old books. Where Neverending featured genuine emotion, heartache and personal growth, Forbidden settles for scatological humour, repetitive action and oversimplifications. It is the kind of film that shows shirtless men squatting under waterfalls while demure Asian women play lutes in the foreground. Some will find such images amusing, while others will find them beautiful—either response pinpoints the key audience for this movie.

Jason (Michael Angarano) is a socially inept Boston teen obsessed with kung-fu movies. He buys bootleg versions in a Chinatown pawn shop owned by a man referred to as Old Hop (Jackie Chan). When local hoodlums decide to bully Jason into gaining them entry to the pawn shop after hours, a robbery goes wrong, leaving Old Hop shot in the chest, and Jason falling off of a building holding an enchanted staff.

Mid-fall Jason is whisked away to a Chinese farming village, which is being ransacked by soldiers in servitude of the Jade warlord (Collin Chou). Captured and saved by a drunken Lu Yan (Jackie Chan), Jason learns of the staff's mystical powers, involving the Monkey King (Jet Li), and empire betrayal.

Identified as "the seeker" and thus destined to return the staff to the stone Monkey King, Jason treks across the desert accompanied by Lu Yan, as well as a vengeful orphan called Golden Sparrow (Liu YiFei), and Silent Monk (Jet Li), while being pursued by a villainess white-haired witch (Li Bing Bing) with ties to the warlord.

Kingdom is gorgeously filmed by Director of Photography Peter Pau. Impressive landscapes, framed impeccably are really the high point of this film, in addition to the well choreographed action. Art direction and production design throughout is also standout, as the sheer aesthetic of the film makes it worthy of a big screen view.

Unfortunately, the surface of things is all this film has to offer. The story itself isn't particularly original or interesting, focusing a great deal of energy on magical tchotchkes, training montage clichés, and forced mysticism. This is in addition to some groan-inducing dialogue that reaches a high point only when Jet Li suggests that a crouching tiger stance makes one look as though they're defecating.

On the other hand, direction by Rob Minkoff is decent. His main purpose is to capture the action effectively, and he does so with gusto. The scenes are appropriately taut and quick paced, without becoming unnecessarily frenetic. This leaves the audience able to enjoy these sequences without artistic distraction.

Overall, Forbidden Kingdom should please the 14-year-old boys that it is geared towards. The corny humour, decent pacing and solid action keep the film relatively engaging. It just isn't anything particularly special or new. This is bland escapist entertainment at its most adequate. However, a scene of Jet Li urinating on Jackie Chan's face should please filmgoers looking for something new. That's not something one sees every day.

Love Guru, The Movie Review: F

Just the other day, I received a box with two DVDs in it: Iron Man and The Love Guru. I was excited to have received both, though that excitement is for two entirely different reasons. Iron Man is considered one of the best movies of the summer, and The Love Guru... well, quite the opposite. I knew my curiosity would draw me to the infamous Love Guru before too long, despite its reputation as a brain sucker. Thankfully - and this is where my excitement comes from - I didn't have to pay for or use up any of my Netflix subscription for this dreadful piece of crap.

The Love Guru stars Mike Myers as a spiritual self-help guru named Pitka who has returned to America to break into the lucrative business. The Guru Pitka is immediately hired by the Toronto Maple Leafs and their unlikely owner, Jessica Alba, to help their star player (Romany Malco) get his playing back on track after the devastating separation from his beautiful wife (Meagan Good), who has taken up sexual union with star hockey player Justin Timberlake. As is to be expected, the Guru Pitka, who vowed celibacy at an early age, falls in love with Alba.

There's not much to say about The Love Guru, other than that it fails in every conceivable way. The plot is scattered, silly and uninteresting; the first two adjectives may be intentional, but the third is certainly not. The movie bounces all over the place without any recognizable focus or point, and as such it comes off as an hour-and-a-half "Worst of SNL" montage. The acting and writing is downright terrible, and while some people have given props to Justin Timberlake for making an utter fool of himself, even he isn't fun to watch. Still, he's better than the rest. Verne Troyer doesn't have much to do, and Alba, who doesn't get nearly as much screen time as one would expect, is there for eye candy and nothing more. As for Mike Myers, this is a possible career-killer right here. With exception to the first two Shrek movies, this guy hasn't made a good live-action movie in nearly ten years.

The real problem with The Love Guru, which is a compilation of all the points mentioned above, is that it is so conceited and full of itself that if it could look in the mirror, it would be oblivious to the fact that it is a hideous, broken beast. This is one of those movies that should been aborted with the morning-after pill, as even in it's earliest stages there's nothing that could have been done to make The Love Guru funny, let alone inoffensive to over a billion people. The concept is terrible, and the execution is even worse. Myers parades around spitting out sexual innuendos and then laughing at his own apparent cleverness, completely unaware that everything he is doing is falling flat. I've seen worse movies before, but never one that so defiantly thanks it is the opposite.

Curiosity may be drawing you to The Love Guru as well, tempting you to see whether the Mike Myers movie is truly as bad as it looked. Don't give in! It's not worth it! It's bad, it's not funny and it's a complete waste of time.

Review #2 by Robert Bell (D)

What might have been the most amusing thing about The Love Guru was what happened prior to the press screening.  While the audience got seated and the studio rep made nice with the most recognizable film critics, there was live sitar music and belly-dancers that shook about up and down the aisles.  The music was entirely too loud and people had to dodge around the dancers to get to vacant seats.  While this scenario alone was highly amusing, the roar of applause that came after the music ceased and the girls put their boobies away was even more bizarre.  It was reluctant at first, but clearly social expectations and guilt got to many audience members who then overcompensated, making the entire ordeal unintentionally amusing and somewhat ridiculous.  It just seemed to be an example of a marketing meeting gone wrong. 

The film itself is equally bizarre, but rarely sparks any sort of amusement (intentional or unintentional) or cohesion.  The Love Guru is essentially a cinematic pastiche of all things familiar to the comedy world of Mike Myers and recent pop culture.  The sheer inanity and peculiar nature of the on-screen happenings lead one to believe that something of amusement might come about, but it never really does.  Instead, the film spouts out a series of jokes about poo, scrotums, doggystyle sex, French-Canadian profanity and copious allusions to fornication, both elephant and human.  While this should amuse younger audience members and those who are a little less discerning, it will likely irritate and confuse those with a slightly more refined comic palette. 

Pitka (Mike Myers), a North American raised in India by Guru Tugginmypudha (Ben Kingsley), decides to return to his native land to become the number one guru, surpassing Deepak Chopra.  His main course of action involves getting on Oprah's talk show, until Jane Bullard (Jessica Alba), the owner of the Toronto Maple Leafs, seeks Guru Pitka out to help her with their struggling star player Darren Roanoke (Romany Malco). 

Having recently separated from long-time girlfriend Prudence (Meagan Good), Darren suffers from hand trembles, which interfere with his puck handling.  This is only exacerbated by the fact that Prudence is now dating a French-Canadian goalie named Jacques "Le Coq" Grande (Justin Timberlake), who reportedly earned his nickname by having an enormous hog. 

As Pitka attempts to help Darren with his love issues, his agent Dick Pants (John Oliver) attempts to get him onto Oprah's talkshow, despite the fact that The Love Guru is far more interested in having sex with Jane Bullard. 

Despite sequences of Justin Timberlake singing Celine Dion songs and trajectory gags involving the word tabernac, trademarked acronyms and the use of Mariska Hargitay's (the emmy-winning actress from Law & Order: SVU) name as a greeting and a prayer, nothing comes across as genuinely funny.  The only mild amusement comes when Myers candidly points out the joke he was just making matter-of-factly.  This is most effective in a scene where he and Romany Malco sit in a crowded bar and Myers makes pooping noises into a coffee mug.  When he is done he then states to Malco "I was just making diarrhea noises into this mug."  This is, sadly, as witty as the film gets as it often resorts to jokes that involve celebrity tabloid vagina and boogers. 

The juvenile humor isn't the only problem with The Love Guru, as there are issues with direction and modernity.  When songs like Brimful of Asha, Blur's Song #2 and More Than Words start crowding the soundtrack, it becomes clear that a major barrier within the film is how outdated it is.  Back in 1997 when Austin Powers, Brimful of Asha and Song #2 were released, this film probably would have succeeded as a fresh and edgy comedy, however, it is 2008 in a post Judd Apatow and Tina Fey comedy world and The Love Guru just doesn't fit.  It's a retread of the familiar and old. 

Also problematic is Marco Schnabel's bland point-and-shoot directorial techniques that only gains urgency during hockey montages. 

Those excited to see a variation on the Austin Powers franchise may want to check this one out, but everyone else will likely be disappointed, confused and wondering if they really did just see two elephants have sex in a hockey arena.

Baby Mama Movie Review: B-

From the writer of Austin Powers comes the latest Tina Fey comedy Baby Mama, a decisive Tina Fey-like movie that works moderately well but comes nowhere near Mean Girls status. Amy Poehler, Greg Kinnear and Steve Martin also star.

Baby Mama is about Kate (Fey), a successful executive who has neglected marriage and children in favor of her career. Told she is unable to have children, she finally decides to hire someone to do a surrogate birth - and chooses the unlikely candidate, a working class woman named Angie (Poehler) who... lacks common etiquette, like no peeing in the bathroom sink. After Angie leaves her sleazy husband (Dax Shepard), the two women find themselves even unlikelier roommates.

Going to the film, I had heard mixed reviews, ranging from "hilarious" to "downright stupid." Needless to say, I didn't know what to expect. Ultimately, Baby Mama isn't hilarious, but it isn't downright stupid, either. It falls nicely in between, and will make an enjoyable rental. Fey makes a good leading woman, bringing the typical wit we've expected of the SNL alumna. She isn't explosively funny, but is a good counteragent to Poehler, who pulls off the white trash chick quite well without taking it entirely over the top.

Unfortunately, Baby Mama's unwillingness to go over the top also hurts the film. I can't believe I'm saying this, but Baby Mama actually remains too modest at times. Poehler's character is not nearly as crazy and trashy as I was expecting, and it's a bit disappointing. Aside from the sink-peeing scene, which is shown in the previews, she really doesn't do anything too extreme. And, ultimately, that's how the end product is: nothing too crazy, nothing too extreme, and nothing all too exciting.

A perfect example is Steve Martin, who gets to do the zaniest character of the bunch (a Whole Foods-esque executive). He's funny in the movie, but not nearly as funny as he could have been with a few tweaks. At least he gets to have a ponytail.

Baby Mama is funny, but not too funny, clever, but not too clever, and entertaining, but not too entertaining.

Review by Robert Bell (B+)

Instead of the dick and fart jokes audiences have become accustomed to in an Apatow and Ferrell dominated comedy world, Baby Mama offers up some vagina and menstruation jokes; which for the most part are delivered quite well. Constant hilarity ensues when the two affable leads are on screen together, but the film lags with formulaic garble when they are forced to deal with their other less comically inclined co-stars.

Choosing career over family, Kate Holbrook (Tina Fey) finds herself single at the age of 37 and wanting a baby. Unable to naturally carry a fetus of her own, she turns to a surrogate mother agency run by the insincere and surprisingly fertile Chaffee Bicknell (Sigourney Weaver in another strong comedic role).

She is matched with the white-trash, karaoke singing Angie (Amy Poehler), who after impregnation, breaks up with her retarded boyfriend Carl (Dax Shepard) and moves in with Type-A personality Kate where comedy antics ensue.

While the actual script isn't particularly strong, featuring some weak jokes and uninspired character arcs, the performances make Mama worthwhile. Tina Fey has mastered the straight-man role, radiating condescension and delivering consistently amusing reaction shots. There are very few actresses who could use the word "taint" in such an inspired manner. Also, Amy Poehler embraces her ignorant stereotype with gusto, keeping her over-the-top character surprisingly grounded, which only makes the sincere delivery of such bizarre dialogue that much more amusing. When the two are acting off of each other, the film shines, offering often relentless humor.

Perhaps this natural chemistry between the leads is what makes the other exchanges throughout the film so unwelcome. Sequences involving Steve Martin and Dax Shepard are almost always void of energy, and Fey's relationship with Greg Kinnear feels somewhat forced.
It is easy to overlook the shortcomings of Baby Mama, as on the whole it delivers what it advertises. Some fresh female humor about stirrups and the anxieties surrounding the demands of juggling family with career are welcome in a male dominated comedy world.

Street Kings Movie Review: B

Keanu Reeves takes on corrupt cops, while hedging on being one himself, in Street Kings, a gritty and surprisingly decent action-thriller now out on DVD. Reeves plays a cop who, under investigation by Internal Affairs for questionable crime-solving techniques, finds himself between a rock and a hard place after one of his colleagues is brutally murdered.

Everything unfolds when Detective Tom Ludlow (Reeves) shows up at a convenience store to confront a fellow cop (Terry Crews) who has been working with IA to bring him down. At the same time, a couple of hoodlums show up and riddle the guy with bullets; even though Ludlow is innocent, the coincidence of him being in the same place at the same time is not a risk his superior (Forest Whitaker) is willing to take. His presence at the crime scene is quietly swept under the rug, but even with IA (Hugh Laurie) breathing down his neck, Ludlow isn't ready to let the bad guys off so easily. He could walk away and save his own neck, or keep digging and uncover secrets that some people would rather leave undiscovered.

There's nothing particularly original about Street Kings, as it is a typical corrupt cop thriller spruced up for the 21st century. At the same time, there's something refreshing about it as well. Since this film was relatively panned by critics, I have a feeling I'll be defending myself a bit on this one, but I really liked Street Kings. There is something satisfying about seeing Reeves play a down-and-dirty cops who pops out racial slurs to pick fights, isn't afraid to go in guns blazing and will stop at nothing to get to the bottom of things, no matter how many people he has to kill. While people get on Reeves' case about being a hollow actor, having just watched Point Break the night before, I can certainly say that he's come along way. He might not be a great actor, but he is an excellent fit in Street Kings.

It's surprising that the movie didn't get a bigger marketing push, given its violent nature and its all-star cast. A few years ago, at the height of Reeves' popularity, this movie could have made a lot of money. Whitaker and Laurie both turn in fine, albeit small, supporting performances, and even Chris Evans, who continues to surprise in grittier and grittier roles, is excellent.

Beyond the cast, though, I just liked this brutal look at LA cops. Director David Ayer (writer of Dark Blue, S.W.A.T. and Training Day) clearly has an interest for cop stories, and the grittiness rivals that of Training Day. Then again, Street Kings is no Training Day, but it still works in its own way. Recommended to those who don't like PG-13 thrillers.

Review by Robert Bell (C+)

When watching corrupt cop movies, or more specifically Street Kings, various questions come to mind, like: Is there a specific casting agency that specializes in gangsta hookers? Do police chiefs in three thousand dollar suits really say things like "trippin?" Are all troubled cops alcoholics? Is there anything edgy about airplane-serving sized Smirnoff? When did the F-word become so versatile? It's really quite a shame that questions like these, and a bevy of others, find themselves at the forefront of an interesting analysis of systemic corruption and varying degrees of morality.

Street Kings is an edgy and cleverly crafted exploration of corruption, redemption and varying shades of grey with hints of Ouroboros. The plot twists, gunplay and appropriately washed out palette should keep the key adult male demo engaged throughout. It's just unfortunate that the film has absolutely no sense of humor and takes itself so seriously. This is a dick-in-hand man's movie to an unintentionally amusing degree.

Tom Ludlow (Keanu Reeves) is a veteran LAPD officer with a solid, yet controversial, track record. Increased ambiguity in his role as law enforcer has led him to alcoholism and a moral crossroads. Luckily his Captain, Jack Wander (Forest Whitaker) and other squad members (John Corbett, Jay Mohr, and Amaury Nolasco) always have his back, even when he shoots unarmed men.

Meanwhile Ludlow's ex-partner, Terrence Washington (Terry Crews), is creating problems for Tom and his crew by exposing some of their secrets. After a series of unfortunate events, Tom finds himself in the middle of a conspiracy that may be just a little too easy to walk away from.

The overall didactics of the film are the strong point. Yes, Street Kings is essentially another corrupt cop movie, but it has something interesting to say. It explores how one might adapt to a system that is inherently damaged without conscious choice. When the status quo is morally defunct, how does one find morality within that? And if they do find it, where does that leave them? The film suggests that everyone is bad in their own way. It also explores how attempts to escape a problematic system are ultimately redundant, as the cyclic nature of human behaviour makes it a moot point.

The script by James Ellroy (LA Confidential) and Kurt Wimmer (Ultraviolet) is a mixed bag. While the actual story is well crafted, the dialogue is often amusing and characters are somewhat clichéd. Street Kings is so desperate to be edgy that everyone winds up with a tough talking street vernacular. While this is believable to a certain degree, the film overdoes it, as much of the street cop exposition feels forced and hackneyed. Aside from Chris Evans' and Hugh Laurie's characters, there isn't a great deal to distinguish the other police officers, detectives, or captains, as they all seem to foster similar belief systems and share the same vocabulary.

Acting throughout is generally favorable, most surprisingly by Reeves. He plays the stock alcoholic police officer in moral crisis quite well, mainly due to his trademark stoicism, which has been to his detriment in past films. Here it works well while integrated with his rage. He manages to command many scenes that require him to be an intimidating force, which is no easy task. Forest Whitaker on the other hand, turns in a bizarre and unconvincing performance. It's unclear what he was going for, but he struggles in delivering slang and overacts at inconvenient moments.

Street Kings will likely find an audience and a following. The lack of female characters in the film that aren't prostitutes suggests that this following will be male. There are some issues left to think about after the credits roll, but there are also many things to laugh about. It's hard to take a film seriously that is so convinced of its own importance.

Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day Movie Review: B

In many ways, Frances McDormand and Amy Adams are on far end of the spectrums when it comes to the way they act and the characters they play. McDormand is best known for playing scruffy, frizzy and unglamorous roles, while Adams tends to play characters with princess syndrome. So, when the two team up in Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day, they come off as one of the oddest, yet strangely enjoyable, on-screen couplings in recent memory.

McDormand plays the title character, a nanny who has found her work run dry due to her unagreeable and rather brusk mannerisms. When she makes the unethical choice to lie to get her next job, however, she unknowingly walks into the perfect situation. Suddenly, she becomes the social secretary - the last thing anyone would have ever expected of her - to a rising starlet named Delysia Lafosse (Adams), a beautiful, high-pitched and seemingly shallow singer on the verge of making her big break. The young woman has come to use her looks to her advantage, but her approach has dug herself into a hole, as she is in bed - literally and figuratively - with three different men, only one of whom she really loves. Who knew that it would take someone with such a straight arrow approach as Miss Pettigrew to save the day?

Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day is not a classic by any means, but it is an enjoyable throwback to films from the 1930's and 40's where dialogue and character interaction outweigh plot and, at times, character sentiment. Set in modern day, it would be challenging for Adams to pull off playing a woman who is sleeping or even entertaining three different men, but in the right time and with the right mannerisms, it makes for an oddly amusing backbone for a story. Miss Pettigrew, directed by Bharat Nalluri and written by David Magee and Simon Beaufoy, relies heavily on witty dialogue and the juggling of characters, and, for the most part, pulls it off.

Both McDormand and Adams are great in their respective roles. McDormand has obviously played tougher, more complicated characters - Guinevere Pettigrew is a walk in the park compared to what we have come to expect of her - but this movie shows that she is indeed one of the most versatile actresses working today. She can handle serious drama, disturbing crime or light, fluffy comedy equally well. As for Adams, she is one of the actresses who is going to continue to have to prove her worth despite turning in excellent performances time and time again and having an Oscar nomination to show for it. She truly is a gifted actress, but with her looks and her willingness to do a wide range of characters, some of whom seem only spritely on the surface, people may take her for granted as just another pretty face. While her performance isn't award-winning here, she is both limited and embraced by her character, which is multi-layered despite coming off as completely ditzy.

Miss Pettigrew is not a laugh-out-loud kind of film, but it is an entertaining one, and Nalluri, with his first truly mainstream film, keeps things going at the perfect pace. The movie is consistently light on its feet, and just when it seems like Miss Pettigrew has accomplished her task, three new problems arise for her to deal with. Eventually, the movie unfolds into a juggling act of volatile situations (volatile for the time period, that is) - with a bomb raid thrown in for good measure - and the movie becomes truly satisfying.

Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day isn't for everyone, but the movie is funny, charming and entertaining. Good performances and quality writing make this film one of the hidden gems of the year.

Review #2 (B)

Review by Robert Bell

Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day is a beautifully photographed throwback to films of the 40's. Great care is taken to frame each shot with exquisite art direction, wonderful costumes, and boisterous performances. Regrettably, the same care wasn't taken in presenting a consistent tone, or direction that goes anywhere beyond the surface.

Frances McDormand stars as Guinevere Pettigrew, a recently unemployed governess desperately looking for work in 1939 London. Constantly being turned down by the employment agency, Miss Pettigrew decides to intercept a job offer as a "social secretary" for flighty young actress Delysia Lafosse (Amy Adams).

Miss Pettigrew is immediately swept up in the responsibilities of the role helping Delysia sort out her relationships with three suitors; a poor pianist, Michael (Lee Pace), an intimidating nightclub owner, Nick (Mark Strong), and the son of a successful theatre producer, Phil (Tom Payne). She also finds herself in a romantic triangle of her own involving Joe, a successful fashion designer, (Ciaran Hinds) and Edythe (Shirley Henderson), his power hungry fiancée.

Over the next 24 hours Miss Pettigrew and Delysia will empower and learn about each other while finding out where their true love and destinies lie.

Pettigrew is a beautifully photographed film with a wonderful overall aesthetic sense. The careful detail to set design, costumes, hairstyles, and mannerisms make the film feel like it was made in 1939. Director Bharat Nalluri is clearly a fan of classic films, and ensures that every shot looks authentic for its time. There are shots in this film that are jaw dropping in their beauty.

Unfortunately, it appears that Nalluri attempted to take all of the shots from his favourite classical films and cram them into this one regardless of pesky things like cohesion and pacing. The first half hour of this film moves wonderfully, running along like a fast talking Howard Hawks film (aside from the nudity). However, once the film attempts to add some deeper significance it stumbles, never really regaining its footing. There are simply too many elements and tones are bouncing around for the viewer to ever fully grasp one, leaving the audience visually satisfied, but feeling emotionally robbed.

Screenwriters David Magee (Finding Neverland) and Simon Beaufoy (Blow Dry, The Full Monty) write some excellent dialogue here. Each character is given a vocabulary suiting the social and moral standing. This, like the direction, is at its best in the initial half hour of the film. There are some very witty exchanges between the various classes of people. However, the clever dialogue gives way to conventional storytelling methods, and formulaic conventions that don't always follow the natural progression of each character. The script is strong, but meanders as it reaches its conclusion.

Fortunately, the performances in this film are excellent for the most part. Frances McDormand plays her character with dedication, and depth beyond what was on the page. She overacts when appropriate for the film (it is intended to be a throwback), but always grounds herself helping to connect her to a modern audience. Amy Adams is charmingly over-the-top as a fledgling actress determined for success. She brings life to every scene that she is in, and alone makes the film more entertaining. The secondary performances are uniformly decent (aside from Tom Payne who never really fits in), but the standout supporting role comes from Shirley Henderson as a woman willing to sacrifice anything for riches. She humanizes a relatively villainous role to a point where you almost want to root for her.

Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day is cute and charming, but fumbles when it reaches to be more than that. Fine performances and exceptional art direction make the film worth watching, but the inconsistent direction leaves something to be desired.

What Happens in Vegas Movie Review: D+

I made the foolish mistake of renting What Happens in Vegas, with the expectation that it was not going to be very good at all. After all, the movie stars Ashton Kutcher and Cameron Diaz as two wild and crazy people who hook up in Vegas, and, in a spree of intoxicated fun, the two get married. Shortly thereafter, Kutcher goes on to win millions of dollars at the slots. Kutcher wants the money for himself, but Diaz - legally his wife - wants her share. For some reason, the courts order them to live together for a month or two to work out their differences, and the stage is set for the rest of this bad movie.

What Happens in Vegas is watchable, but that's about it. The romantic comedy does have a few funny moments, but otherwise it is just a poorly written, poorly edited attempt to make some quick cash by banking on its two stars. Writer Dan Fox, the mind behind the equally dull The Wedding Date, has written a movie so absurd in its premise that it's hard to ever take seriously. Sure, worse concepts have been had, but why would a court order two people who were clearly married during a night of drunkenness to "work out their differences?" And can we really believe that after weeks of trying to sabotage each other out of their money that the two would finally fall in love?

Regardless of the story, though, What Happens in Vegas is pretty stupid. One situation follows another that outweigh the previous in ridiculousness, and as an audience member, I just didn't care. Neither of the main characters are particularly interesting or likable, and the supporting cast - made up primarily of Rob Corddry and Lake Bell - ranges from annoying to boring. Good job, Dana.

Of course, Tom Vaughan and his editing crew have to share the blame, as What Happens in Vegas is just a sloppy film altogether. The movie cuts from one scene to another as if the studio wanted every unnecessary moment sliced, including necessary transition and setup.

What Happens in Vegas should stay in Vegas and out of your DVD player.

Promotion, The Movie Review: B-

From the writer of The Pursuit of Happyness comes The Promotion, an Office Space/Office wannabe that is better than I expected yet still not as good as it could have been. The Promotion stars Seann William Scott and John C. Reilly as two competing retail managers who are both vying to become the head of a new store.

Written and directed by Steve Conrad, The Promotion is smart and funny in a subtle way, but at times a bit too subtle. Conrad captures the desperation and awkwardness of retail life quite well; everything has a washed out feel to it, none of the characters are exactly sensational personalities and the executives live with a stick up their ass. Both Scott and Reilly are good in their respective roles, as both are quite believable as assistant managers. Scott isn't an idiot, but he isn't the most assertive tool in the shed. Reilly's character is even better.

The Promotion is a fun little movie, but rarely laugh-out-loud funny. The film is a story of mounting tensions and awkward competitiveness, where neither man is inherently bad but both go to some lengths to discredit each other. Unfortunately, Conrad keeps the movie too far in the realm of reality, where there really isn't that much excitement, hilarity or anything else. The film is subtle in its approach, but it never reaches the breaking point like you'd expect. Ultimately, there's not much too the film; while Conrad captures the essence of retail life, he never nails down the funny situations that make retail work so horrible. Maybe Conrad never intended to go in that direction, but he should have.

The Promotion has its moments and overall is relatively entertaining, but it lacks absolutely anything memorable. When the ending credits begin to roll, all you can do is shrug, put the DVD back in its case and forget about it five minutes later. Hence this short review.

Life Before Her Eyes, The Movie Review: B

The Life Before Her Eyes is a movie few have heard of and even fewer will see, but it's a movie I'm certainly glad I saw. Starring Uma Thurman and Evan Rachel Wood as the same character in two different time periods, the drama explores the effects of a school shooting on one woman.

The movie begins with Diana McFee (Wood) hanging out with her best friend Maureen (Eva Amurri) like best friends do in high school. They talk about life, their future, boys and the other things we take for granted. But when they hear gunfire one day at school, they know everything is about to change. The killer, a classmate, walks into the bathroom where they are hiding and forces them to make a choice: which girl will live, and which will die. Twenty years later, Diana (Thurman) still recalls that day every time she looks at her life, her husband and her young daughter. Trapped in the past and unable to embrace the present, Diana finds her life unraveling just as she has the chance to start over. She realizes she has to face her past and make amends, before everything is taken from her.

Directed by Vadim Perelman (House of Sand and Fog), The Life Before Her Eyes is a beautifully filmed and dreamlike movie where everything, from the visuals to the settings to the characters, all have special meaning. In many ways, the movie is a simple film, and yet, when all is said and done, is anything but. Treat it as such and you will be surprised by the time the ending credits come around, and for that I am amazed by this movie that I almost returned to Netflix without ever giving it a chance.

Some people have complained that the movie is boring, and for some people I can see how that would be the case. The movie paces itself like a thought moving to the next, and there isn't a real purpose in the literal sense of the word. Nevertheless, if you can look past such two dimensional perspectives, The Life Before Her Eyes is a deep and strangely mesmerizing film that will blow you away if you let it. That being said, it is by no means a masterpiece, but it is the film that Perelman set out to make.

The performances are good, especially from Wood, who really hasn't turned in a bad performance yet in her young career. Wood, who could so easily become a teen heartthrob if she decided to be, instead continues to opt for these darker, more interesting films, and I applaud her for it. Thurman is also good, but rather understated as she doesn't get to do much more than look glazed over most of the time. Nevertheless, she places her part effectively. Amurri also turns in a quality performance.

I won't say anything further, but the movie hinges on a surprise that I won't talk about other than that it caught me completely off guard and entirely made the film worth it. Without the surprise, the movie would have been good but nothing special; with it, Perelman has created a film that few will see but everyone will remember. Highly recommended.

Tim Burton's The Nightmare Before Christmas Movie Review: A-

When I first saw The Nightmare Before Christmas, I was not a big fan. It's not that I didn't like the movie - it's that I didn't love the movie. Fifteen years later, with the 2-Disc Collector's Edition coming to DVD, I have new appreciation for the Tim Burton classic.

I'm pretty sure Walt Disney has set it upon itself to release the movie in theaters - and subsequently on DVD - every year until man grows wings, so it's very unlikely that anyone and their grandmother has not seen this movie ten fold since its release. Well, except me. Regardless, the movie is a classic, with incredible visuals, great songs and a mesmerizing story.

I'm not sure what drove me away from the movie originally, but perhaps, as a child, I didn't get the blend of Halloween and Christmas. Now, I see it as a major accomplishment that Burton, the man behind some pretty weird films, was able to pull of a child's film that verges on scary but never quite crosses that line. Who knew that Jack Skellington, the Pumpkin King of Halloween Town, could become such a likable, enjoyable, lively and unscary protagonist? Of course, credit needs to be given where credit is due; the director of the picture, Henry Selick (who went on to do James and the Giant Peach) and the screenwriter, Caroline Thompson, are just as responsible, if not more so.

The 2-Disc Collector's Edition contains a bunch of bonus features - I'm not sure which are new, if any - including the uncut version of Burton's Frankenweenie short, some behind-the-scenes featurettes, another short film named Vincent, an audio commentary and deleted scenes. All in all, it's a pretty good collection, though I highly doubt two discs were needed. More impressive is the box the film comes in, which is three dimensional and quite well done.

If you don't already own The Nightmare Before Christmas, it is certainly one worth owning regardless of age. If you already have it and are a diehard fan, you're probably not missing too much with the collector's edition.

Postal Movie Review: B-

I'm currently watching Uwe Boll's Postal, and the day has come that I never, ever, ever thought would happen. I'm going to say it, despite fears that God may strike me where I sit with a lightning bolt of extreme proportions. I'm going to say it, even with fears that I may forever ruin my reputation as the best movie critic in the history of the world. Yes, it's true: Postal is not that bad. In fact, it's halfway decent. Hell, I rather liked it. Yes, I liked a Uwe Boll movie.

Postal is about... well, I'm not quite sure. I've been writing reviews while watching, so haven't completely been paying attention, but there's something about Osama Bin Laden and the Taliban attacking a children's festival at the same time as a bunch of misfits, including a trailer trash guy and a Bible thumper, plot to kidnap Verne Troyer. Uwe Boll himself shows up to get into a fight with the creator of the video game "Postal," on which this movie is - apparently very loosely - based. There's also a plot involving the Asian Bird Flu, a bunch of horny monkeys, gay sex and a variety of other random things.

To say Postal is controversial is an understatement, as Boll tackles all kinds of subjects, from terrorism to politics to religion and homosexuality. Thankfully, he doesn't attempt to tell us a message, and instead has just make an incredibly zany and offensive film that some will find funny if offensive things appeal to you. For example, Postal begins with two terrorists flying a plane into the World Trade Center... of course, they had decided to go to the Bahamas after finding out that they were no longer promised 99 virgins upon their death. If not for those pesky passengers that broke into the cabin, they all would have lived. Later, an old Asian woman who doesn't know how to drive pisses off a cop so much that he blows her brains out, and things just go from there. Basically, there's nothing off limits in the film.

Postal shows a vast improvement in technical skill over Boll's other pieces of crap. Backed by a decent script, Boll shows that he can actually make a sensible movie. He's still not a great director, but Postal looks and feels like a real film. It also helps that Postal is by far and away a ridiculous comedy, whereas most of Boll's other pictures have been more serious fare. Plainly, Boll should stick to comedies, because it seems to work for him.

It's not a classic, but I foresee Postal becoming a cult classic in time. I can't believe I just said that.

Counterfeiters, The Movie Review: B+

When the Nazis started running out of money, they took the easiest option: develop bogus money. Based on a true story, The Counterfeiters explores the unique story of a Jewish man - the best forgery expert in Europe - forced to help the Nazis finance their war effort.

Die Fälscher stars Karl Markovics as Salomon 'Sally' Sorowitsch, a man known for making the best forgeries in the region. Cocky, ambitious and self-centered, his goal is to successfully copy the American dollar. He will get his chance, but not in the way would ever have wished upon himself. World War II kicks off and Sally, a Jew, finds himself in the Hell that is Auschwitz. However, he is saved from the general population by one of the camp's commanders, who was also the man that originally apprehended him. Sally is giving a crew to help develop the perfect forgery of the British Pound and, eventually, the American dollar. As Sally nears the completion of his life long dream, though, he is faced with a terrifying decision: finish the dollar and save the Nazis, or sabotage his own work and risk death.

The moral dilemma in The Counterfeiters is what makes this movie so compelling, and what drove it to an Oscar for Best Foreign Picture. What would you do in such a situation? Would you be brave enough to, practically in the face of your captors who are willing to kill you and your friends without remorse, sabotage your own efforts? This is one of those rare WWII films that only come along every couple of years; it's not that others haven't been done better, but few have focused on such a unique situation as portrayed here. I mean, how many other films have you seen about a Jewish man in Auschwitz who isn't suffering physically?

The Counterfeiters is a good movie, but not as emotionally powerful as some. In some ways, I actually give the director props for not making an emotionally manipulative movie; still, as interesting a tale as this is, it isn't as impressionable. The Counterfeiters is one of those great movies that will be forgotten in a year's time.

Nevertheless, the acting and screenplay are top notch. Markovics delivers an excellent performance, and, supported by a strong cast, commands the film without chewing scenery.

The Counterfeiters is a film worth seeing. It's original, interesting and well-done, and worthy of its Oscar.

Prom Night Movie Review: D+

I'm about ten minutes away from the end of the remake of Prom Night, and all I can say is that it's disappointing so far. Time and time again, these horror movies cease to amaze me; after all, shouldn't it be incredibly easy to make an entertaining movie about teenage girls in prom dresses getting hacked to pieces?

Prom Night stars beautiful Brittany Snow as Donna Keppel, who, when younger, watched her family get butchered by a sadistic killer. Years later, on her prom night, the man escapes and comes after Donna, obsessed with having her all to himself. The hotel where the prom is being held becomes a killing ground as her friends and hotel staff get picked off one by one by the relentless murderer.

It's a story that should work, remake or not. Put a bunch of attractive girls in prom dresses, have a few of them get out of their prom dresses, slap an R rating on the pic with some quality sex, nudity and gore, and you have yourself a decent thriller. Throw in a disturbing, obsessive killer and there you go. Director Nelson McCormick takes things another direction. While not all the blame can fall on him - the PG-13 rating was certainly the studio's doing, and some of the plot points are the fault of the writer - he is, ultimately, the captain, and the captain is responsible for the actions of his crew. Prom Night is about as PG as horror movies get; aside from a few stabbing and gutting sounds, the amount of gore is minimal at best. As expected, the use of sex and nudity is strictly forbidden, leaving the characters to do rather boring stuff like dance a little bit, go up to their hotel rooms to check on their friends, and get attacked.

Prom Night isn't nearly as dreadful as I was expecting, but that may just be due to low expectations. Still, it lacks the excitement and edge this movie could have so easily attained. There are a few plot points that really kill the film, some picky and some not-so-much. For starters, the main characters keep going up to their rooms and back down again; while I'm sure the allure of getting up to the room as fast as one can would be on many teenagers' minds (whose bright idea was it to have a high school prom in a hotel, anyway?), the fact that the characters come and leave from the prom is a bit odd, and seems merely an avenue to get people killed in uninteresting ways. Specifically, why would a prom queen nominee head up to fool around with her boyfriend shortly before the king and queen are announced? Beyond that, the police strategy is just lame. While I give writer J.S. Cardone credit for attempting to intertwine a believable police response into the story, he just isn't that good at it. As soon as the police realize that the killer is indeed within the hotel, wouldn't they pull Donna to safety? And when they do decide to extract her, what do they do? They pull the fire alarm (couldn't they just ask the hotel to turn it on?) before they even locate Donna. Other little things, like the fact that Donna decides to go up to get her mother's shawl from the room - via an elevator that in the real world would not be functioning - after the fire alarm went off, are a bit weird.

What really hurts the movie is the final act, where McCormick and Cardone take us away from the hotel, the prom dresses and everything else to Donna's house, where standard horror cliches ensue. The cops protecting the house do little, but what's worse is that the entire premise of "prom night" is lost once the characters "calm down," dress down and try to go to sleep. Oh, and I hate dream sequences, and McCormick is so lacking originality that he decides to use several to have "scary" moments when none really exist.

The actors do a good enough job for what they've been given. Snow looks great, and the rest of the cast is pretty and likable. Unfortunately, the movie isn't scary and lacks a truly threatening villain. Johnathon Schaech has the look, but whether due to the writing or acting capabilities, he comes off as rather boring villain. Had another ten minutes been added to the opening sequence (and had it not been a dream sequence), McCormick could have really established the killer as a truly disturbed guy. His obsession and jealousy is never exuded in the right way, and it would have been nice to see more interaction between him and Donna. Even though the two never had a real relationship, it would have been interesting to see things from the killer's point of view, on a psychological level.

Prom Night is watchable, but it lacks the scares and originality to make it anything more than a mediocre slasher flick. A different director and screenwriter could have taken advantage of the available resources to a much greater result.

Review by Robert Bell (D-)

Bring out the taffeta, corsets, sequins, corsages and underage drinking; it's time for prom! Acting as a cultural tradition of tacky dresses, broken cherries and lonely fat girls who don't get asked, the prom defines so much of what is wrong with Western culture. Teenagers learn to spend ridiculous amounts of money on formalwear, hotel rooms and gaudy limousines, while desperately seeking the approval of their sycophantic peers. It ushers in adulthood with gusto, defining the shallow surface-based world we live in that encourages underweight 17-year-old girls to shove their fingers down their throat to expel the handful of peanuts they had for lunch. One can only hope that they will be voted the prom king or queen, winning the popularity contest of false sincerity.

Prom Night dispels no myths about the glitzy debacle, featuring brain-dead teens babbling about menstrual cramps and who they intend to fornicate with, all while smiling blankly with perfectly glossed lips and soulless eyes. The purpose of the film is essentially to stage sequences of inevitable slaughter for each camera friendly vixen, but fails at even this simple task. The scares are about as innovative and clever as a black cat unexpectedly jumping out of a closet, and character logic is almost indecipherable. This is PG-13 horror at its crappiest; a movie best viewed while drunk.

Coming home one night, teenaged Donna (Brittany Snow) arrives to a quiet and suspect house. Upon finding the dead body of her younger brother, she decides to hide under a bed, where she watches her mother get stabbed to death by creepy stalker (Johnathon Schaech).

Several years later, Donna is seen living a relatively normal teen life, save some occasional mental anguish and a need to pop pills. Coming up on prom, Donna has picked out the perfect champagne-coloured prom dress and is totally stoked to take a limo with her sassy, sexually liberated best friend Lisa (Dana Davis) and their bitchy cohort Claire (Jessica Stroup). Their concerns are mixed: Claire struggles with PMS and her relationship with Michael (Kelly Blatz), while Lisa wants only to be prom queen and to shag her dreamboat boyfriend Collins (Ronnie Heflin), and Donna is like totally upset that high school is almost over, but manages to overlook this while making out with her 40-year-old date, Bobby (Scott Porter). The gang gradually disappears up to various hotel rooms for random bizarre reasons, only to be slaughtered one by one.

Aforementioned slaughters are a bit of a problem in Prom Night. Each kill is similar, as characters find themselves alone and hearing a suspicious noise, only to have the wild-eyed Schaech jump out from a corner to strangle or stab them. Keep in mind that there are never stab wounds after said stabbings, and that the strangling is often shown in inadvertently amusing close-up (especially in the case of a particular male hotel employee). There is absolutely no tension or creativity demonstrated in this capacity, leaving one to wonder why they're even viewing the film.

In addition, characters regularly make weird and unexplained decisions. As the hotel is being evacuated, Donna decides to take a quick run up to her room to grab a clothing accessory. It's just such a bizarre decision for a psychologically scarred teenaged girl to make given the circumstances. This is just one example of many sloppy writing devices demonstrated throughout.

The young cast does their best to bring life to their cardboard roles. Jessica Stroup in particular has quite a bit of screen presence and is consistently a pleasure to watch. The young men in the film are bland and interchangeable, but Brittany Snow carries the film relatively well, appearing natural on camera and giving an occasionally convincing "scared" vibe. Other times, her fear seems a bit more like she's about to throw a hissy fit at the shopping mall because there isn't a shirt in her size.

Prom Night feels like a half-assed, last minute hack job throughout. It may please less discerning 14-year-old girls who are easily scared, but will likely annoy all other demographics.

Where in the World is Osama Bin Laden? Movie Review: B+

First he ate French Fries for a month, and now he's taking on the number one fugitive in the world. Yes, it's the natural progression: Morgan Spurlock is asking Where in the World is Osama Bin Laden?

I will blow the ending: Spurlock does not answer the question. He doesn't find the guy, which is a bit disappointing since I assumed that would be the only suitable climax to such a film. I mean, he spends all his time asking people in Palestine, Afghanistan, Saudi Arabia and so forth where Osama is - he should have been able to find him!

In all seriousness, Where in the World is Osama Bin Laden? is an entertaining, intelligent and down-to-earth documentary. It isn't as funny or mind blowing as Super Size Me, which got me off fast food for a month (and now I barely eat it at all), but WITWIOBL, as I like to call it, works in its own way. Spurlock, as he likes to remind us, leaves his pregnant wife to go travel around some not-so-friendly places in search of Osama, or, more realistically, in search of the average Muslim. The real point of the movie is that most Muslims in the Middle East, while not completely the same as the average American, are not that much different. Some may understand Osama and al Qaeda more than we do, and others hate America for what it has done - or what they perceive it's doing - to the Middle East, but the average Muslim is a moderate Muslim, with no interest in blowing themselves up or joining the jihad.

Spurlock travels from one country to the next, talking with these people and examining both the hypocrisy of Osama and the United States. He touches on the fact that the U.S. doesn't side with countries and their governments because they treat their people well; the U.S. sides with countries and people that provide immediate benefit to their goals. That's why Osama, Saddam Hussein, the Saudi government and many others have all been U.S. allies at some point or another.

Spurlock uncovers nothing new, but for the less-than-worldly American, Spurlock presents the issues at hand in a very entertaining, insightful way. He reveals the people he talks with as smart, likable individuals. He shows us the conditions that people are living in - from the slums of Afghanistan to the shopping malls in Saudi Arabia that, while safer, are much more restrictive. Spurlock asks some moderately tough questions in some awkward places, including to a couple of students at a Saudi school while their teachers are standing by. Understandably, he doesn't get much out of them. Strangely enough, other than the stray bullet here or there, Spurlock runs into the most trouble when a bunch of Jewish people get upset at him and start shoving him around, forcing the police to take action. Those were some angry Jews.

Spurlock is trying to get a message across, but does so in a way that isn't a "liberal" attack on his own country. WITWIOBL is one of those rare political documentaries that crosses party lines. Its faults are pretty minor: it would have been great to see him attempt to interview a few more radicals, or more people of official standing, like politicians or community leaders. The ending is a tad weak, as Spurlock attempts to cover over his cowardness (I wouldn't have gone in either) with a vain attempt at establishing a happy ending. At least end his message with a, "And I was scared" bit.

While not as shocking as Super Size Me, Spurlock's Where in the World is Osama Bin Laden? is an enjoyable, intelligent documentary that presents things on a "stupid American" level. And for once, that's a good thing.

In Bruges Movie Review: A

It took me over a week to watch In Bruges. My friends and I got to within ten minutes of the ending credits when, just as one of the main characters was shot through the stomach, the DVD froze. I quickly reported the problem to Netflix and they sent me a new copy within a day, but then it took several days to get everyone's schedules to work together. I could hardly wait.

Despite what some critics - and coworkers - say, In Bruges is a highly entertaining, funny and unique comedy. The flick, which stars Colin Farrell and Brendan Gleeson as two hit men who, after a hit gone awry, are sent to Bruges, Belgium by their boss (Ralph Fiennes) until things calm down. While Ken (Gleeson) immediately takes to the small, medieval town, Ray (Farrell) is horrified by the boring nature of the place - until he finds that there is a movie being filmed nearby, which stars "midgets," and meets Chloë (Clémence Poésy).

In Bruges is a hilarious film - but you have to appreciate quirky, sarcastic jokes and a lot of swearing. The people who didn't like this film either didn't get the jokes or didn't care to enjoy them, but In Bruges, written and directed by Martin McDonagh, is packed full of laugh-out-loud pieces of dialogue. Both Gleeson and Farrell are great and all but carry the film on their own, but Farrell is especially excellent. This is the kind of movie that demonstrates just how good of an actor he can be; while he is known more for serious fare such as Tigerland and The New World, he is absolutely hilarious here and shows exquisite range.

In Bruges runs that fine line of dealing with hit men and violence and being consistently funny. More often than not, a movie can be one or the other but not both, but McDonagh pulls it off rather seamlessly. The last 20 minutes or so are fairly serious and a tad bloody, but the transition doesn't seem abrupt at all. He moves his characters from serious to funny and back to serious again without much effort, and even manages to make some of the more "serious" scenes pretty damn funny.

The movie is not for everyone, but those who like edgy, quirky comedies with an European twist should have plenty to cheer about with In Bruges. This is one of the funniest movies of 2008.

Shutter Movie Review: C-

Shutter, the latest in the ongoing stream of cheap horror movies, stars "Dawson's Creek's" Joshua Jackson and Transformers' Rachael Taylor as a newly married couple who move to Japan and find themselves haunted by a deadly ghost.

The plot of Shutter really isn't important, as it continues in the vein of other similar horror films - specifically Japanese remakes - only with a slightly different trimming. Essentially, the approach director Masayuki Ochiai takes is to copy what has been done before and make it even more predictable and inane. After all, to do horror movies these days, all you have to do is have your characters catch some glimpses of dead Japanese people and establish a plot where the ghost is attemptingt to get revenge for some wrong done to her in the past.

In all fairness, Shutter isn't nearly as bad as I was expecting. It has a twist I wasn't really expecting (whether I cared is another matter) and Taylor is pleasant to look at. Nevertheless, the movie is just a blatant rip-off of a genre that ran dry shortly after The Ring made it to theaters, and no matter how attractive the lead actress is, she's not enough to save this film from unoriginality. Furthermore, as one might suspect, Shutter isn't remotely scary, as Ochiai relies on turn-your-head-and-see-a-ghost techniques that have been used so many times I almost see ghosts in real life.

Compared to some movies from the Japanese horror remake genre (I'm not sure if Shutter is a remake, but it sure feels like it), Shutter is at least watchable, but it won't scare you and it won't really surprise you, despite Ochiai's cheap attempts to do so. In other words: don't waste your time on Shutter.